Paul Knops and Darcie star as Adam and Eve in “The Bible.” (
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When Mark Burnett, who brought us “Survivor” so long ago that Jesus must still have been in swaddling Pampers, brings us his first-ever scripted series tonight, you may be very surprised at how a reality producer interprets the most important book in Western history.
At times it’s terrific, and at times it’s positively, well, unreal.
Unlike the actual Bible, Burnett’s new series, “The Bible” on History, comes with a disclaimer telling us that this is an “adaptation of Bible stories” which “endeavors to stay true to the spirit of the Book.” No pun intended, I’m sure.
The spirit really must have moved Burnett and his co-producer (and wife) Roma Downey, because this five-part, 10-hour, scripted mini-series is nothing if not a labor of love; sometimes it’s a very laborious labor of love that is open to interpretation . . . their interpretation.
The series begins with Noah telling the story of gorgeous 20-somethings Adam and Eve as he’s trying to keep the arc afloat in a massive storm, and it ends 10 episodes later after the crucifixion and resurrection of the equally gorgeous surfer dude Jesus.
For those of you expecting less glitz and more grit: You might consider renting “The Passion of the Christ” instead, at least for the New Testament episodes.
Unfortunately, some stretches of the printed word combined with reality-show theatrics and over-the-top reality-show music often takes “The Bible” to places even God couldn’t have invented.
Such as?
Such as insane Burnett-signature fly-overs and whooshes that will make you think you are about to be dropped into the tribal council.
Instead, they’re flying over biblical locales like the Garden of Eden, Noah’s flood zone or ancient Israel.
Then, there’s the lot of Lot, with flourishes that are so out there that you don’t have to be a biblical scholar to know they just aren’t in the Good (or even the bad) Book.
In order to get teens onboard, Burnett and Downey created —yes — a kick-ass karate Asian angel to help Lot and his brood smite evil with well-placed roundhouse kicks. It’s pretty darned hilarious, although, God knows, it wasn’t meant to be a knee-slapper.
Then, there are all those Brits. Who ever told film producers that all the heroes and villains in the Bible were English?
Just because the King James Bible is the most common English translation doesn’t mean Jesus and the rest of the gang were Brits in real life! For sure, they didn’t look like the Tudors.
But in Hollywood, Brit spells Biblical. So, once again, we’re given thousands of ethnic Moroccan extras rending their garments, ululating and rioting around fair-skinned WASPs in the key roles.
It was getting to be too much, so by the time I got to Episode 6, in which the Virgin Mary gets pushed around by a rowdy crowd when she shows up pregnant, I knew I’d have to call in the heavy guns to help me separate, as the Bible says, “the wheat from the chaff.”
Taking liberties in biblical movies is as old as “Ten Commandments” director Cecil B. DeMille. And even though I just published a novel titled “The Sixth Station” after six years of researching the Bible, this was all new to me. I mean, a martial-arts angel, the slapping around of Mary and crowds yelling “Is-ra-el! Is-ra-el!” like a crazed soccer fans?
So, I gave the DVD set to Monsignor Jim Lisante, who happens to be a regular commentator on theological topics for Fox News when he isn’t ministering to his flock.
“So was the Virgin Mary slapped around?” I asked.
“That’s all mental gymnastics,” he says. “Artistic license. But remember, in those days, even though it’s not stated anywhere in the Bible, women who were pregnant before marriage would have been stoned by the crowd.”
What about the fact that Joseph is depicted as a hunky 20-year-old and not the older man as we have come to know as Mary’s betrothed?
“That, too, was an invention of religious art,” Lisante says. “We don’t know his age, but I suspect it was done in art to downplay the physical contact between them. Joseph was a righteous man who did the right thing by Mary.”
One of the only non-Brits in the cast, beside Roma Downey, who plays Mary, is Diogo Morgado, a Portuguese soap-opera hunk.
Jesus here is sure pretty to look at — even though there is no evidence that Jesus was the handsomest man on Earth. But again, Downey and Burnett are following Hollywood tradition by making Jesus look like a supermodel.
So, will audiences respond to this reality-show “Bible?” Probably.
Cheese is a big seller in supermarkets — and on TV.
Or in the words of the good Monsignor, “Well, ‘The Bible’ is superior to direct-to-video films like so many religious productions. And I think religious people will watch because they are so hungry for religious programming right now.”
And that’s the truth. I swear on the Bible.
‘The Bible’: an episode Guide
Episode 1 (Today, 8 to 10 p.m., History Channel): Adam and Eve; Noah’s ark; the sacrifice of Isaac; the seven plagues; Moses parts the Red Sea.
Episode 2 (March 10, 8 to 10 p.m.): Joshua takes the city of Jericho; the Israelites battle the Philistines; Samson and Delilah; David and Goliath; David conquers Jerusalem; David and Bathsheba.
Episode 3 (March 17, 8 to 10 p.m.): King Nebuchadnezzar takes Jerusalem; the Jews are exiled to Babylon; the Romans take over; The Annuciation; the birth of Jesus; King Herod kills the Holy Innocents; the rise of Pontius Pilate.
Episode 4 (March 24, 8 to 10 p.m.): The Pharisees preach against Jesus; Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead; Judas betrays Jesus; the Last Supper; Jesus is condemned to death.
Episode 5 (March 31, 8 to 10 p.m.): The Crucifixion and Resurrection; Jesus hits the road; the Apostles are martyred; Luke and Paul begin to write the gospels; Peter reaches Rome.