Phil Mushnick

Phil Mushnick

NFL

Gruden nonsense ruins NFL broadcasts

There is one way left to get through this: the Stockholm Syndrome. Like Patty Hearst, first we identify with our captors, then we roll with them. When it’s all over — and if we make it — we’ll leave it to the courts to decide.

There’s no other way to way to survive another season of ESPN’s “Monday Night Football” but to feign brainwashing, then mummy-walk over to the other side. In the very first series of Jets-Falcons on Monday, Jon Gruden began a night’s worth of provocations, of sense-defying dares to enter the dark.

First he noted Atlanta’s versatile star running back, Steven Jackson, is out, adding, “It’s hard to replace a top-flight player.” Stop it, stop it! …

Then, after the next play — a completion to Tony Gonzalez — he said, “When you throw the ball in the middle of the field, you like to throw it to a reliable Hall of Fame tight end.”

OK, OK, you win! We’ve seen the light. We’re under the spell, the influence. Now, everyone, to the power plant!

Gruden several times noted Atlanta’s offensive line was a wreck, a collection of backups and just-arrived castoffs. Yet, that didn’t prevent him from repeatedly praising Jets’ defensive end Muhammad Wilkerson for playing an “All-Pro” game. Or were the two stand-alone issues?

And Gruden was just getting started! He’d soon speak in code.

Early fourth, after TE Kellen Winslow caught a short touchdown pass in the right corner of the end zone, Geno Smith held the linebackers by faking a handoff into the line, rolled right, then threw; a good, old-fashioned play — Gruden identified what we’d just seen:

“They just ran a spider two Y banana.”

Either that was cult ransom code or Gruden was ordering sushi. Either way, MNF abduction victim (and Post reader) Rich Jeffries was flabbergasted: “Call me crazy, but I thought that was a mosquito four-narrow cumquat.’”

But for all the thanks-for-nothing noise Gruden made all night, he didn’t say a word when the Jets next kicked the PAT, for a 27-14 lead with 12:00 left. No two-point try at that point? The first time we needed Gruden to speak up, he gave us the silent treatment!

Another “Monday Night Football” telecast drowned in ESPN’s own juices, taking us with it.

In the first quarter, the Jets had fourth-and-1 from just inside Atlanta’s 5, ball on the left hash. The Jets lined up to go for it — perhaps looking to draw an offside. The play clock expired; delay of game.

But the Falcons, likely recognizing that the field goal try, 5 yards back, would be at a less severe angle, declined the penalty.

But not on ESPN. “So the penalty backs them up five,” said Mike Tirico, who next noted Nick Folk kicked a 22-yarder. Had he done the quick FG math — add about 17 to the line of scrimmage, for the snap, another 10 for the goalposts — he’d have known the snap was from the 5, not the 10.

When the second half began, Chris Berman was on camera, still filling from the studio. ESPN missed the kickoff! We missed the kickoff!

But that’s OK; Stockholm Syndrome. Sensory deprivation until we snap, stare straight ahead and follow the leaders. Spider two Y banana. Yes; yes, of course.

* * *

Objections AWOL on Victorino HBP

GIVEN that every play changes every game, lost in Tuesday’s Red Sox-Rays Game 4 was that Boston’s Shane Victorino, a master masochist who has been hit by more than 60 pitches, made no attempt to avoid a pitch that otherwise would have been close to being a called strike.

And given Victorino’s HBP chart — he already had been hit twice in the series — you could smell it coming: Top of the fifth, no score, runner on first, 1-1 count. Arms extended over the plate, he made no effort to withdraw them on a slightly inside fastball from Alex Torres.

It seemed everyone got had. Plate ump Paul Emmel immediately signaled Victorino to first. Neither catcher Jose Lobaton nor manager Joe Maddon protested. As per MLB rules, Emmel should have called it a ball or a strike, Victorino still at bat.

* * *

Televised Student-Athlete Plays of the Week: On the kickoff to Georgia-Tennessee — UT ditched its famous orange and white for “smoky grey” uniforms — UT’s Alden Hill was flagged for making a throat-slashing gesture.

Six plays later, those 15 penalty yards enabled Georgia to kick a long field goal. Final score: Georgia 34, Tennessee 31.

During Clemson-Syracuse, Syracuse DT Jay Bromley showboated his self-regard after a sack. Why not? At the time, Syracuse was down, 35-7.

* * *

Credit to WFAN’s Joe Benigno for his eagerness to confess his ignorance. Tuesday he suggested the Athletics are undeserving to be in the playoffs, let alone up a game vs. the Tigers, because, “I don’t know two guys on the A’s.”

Well, why would the host of a NYC sports radio show be expected to know anyone on an MLB team that won 96 games and its division by 5 ½?

* * *

Playoff ball plays too long

BUD Ball: Red Sox-Rays Game 3 on Monday, a 5-4 contest that ended one out short of nine innings, ran 4 hours, 20 minutes! Sunday’s Broncos 51, Cowboys 48 — the fourth highest-scoring game in NFL history — ran 3:13!

YES has added ex-UConn star and NBAer Donny Marshall to its Nets’ analysts roster. He’ll alternate with Mike Fratello and Jim Spanarkel, working with Ian Eagle.

Saw ESPN reported Tiger Woods (and some other guys, names unknown) won the Presidents Cup.

Without fife, drum or any fanfare, Howie Rose let’s you know. And he doesn’t like the shootout. Saturday on MSG, as the Islanders entered another shootout, Rose said it was the second straight night an Isles’ game would be determined by a “Home Run Derby.”

Most TV folks treat certain, plain truths like family secrets. Dick Stockton, calling Cardinals-Pirates for TBS, said the Bucs got Marlon Byrd from the Mets, who got him from the Red Sox. But he left out the part about Byrd, between Boston and N.Y., losing 50 games to a PED suspension.

Think there’s a chance RB David Wilson injured his neck doing his end-zone back flip “thing,” Sunday? His previous flip this season was performed while his “TD” was being called back. You’d think that given his fumbles, low output and the team’s record, that he’d … Nah.