Not to brag, but who is this “Ninja Assassin” fellow compared to me? He: gets sliced to the bone by whirling blades, is blasted unconscious by stun guns and does handstands on a bed of nails. I: sat through “Old Dogs.”
Korean pop singer Rain plays Raizo, a child raised in the world’s coolest orphanage: Chores include learning to maim and slash the other children, who are being raised to be ninja assassins by their dark master Lord Ozunu. These orphans don’t beg, unless it’s to say, “Please, sir, I want some more whoop-ass.”
Despite all this happy carnage — the arterial spray throughout is of lawn-sprinkler force, and many a wall exists only to get Jackson Pollocked with bright red viscous goo — Raizo comes to doubt his brethren. The outfit considers membership to be nonrevocable, though, and sends dedicated field representatives out to explore the possibility of carving Raizo into Raisinets, if possible while inflicting extravagant doses of pain.
The evil ninjas seem to be unaware of exactly who it is they are dealing with: Raizo once spent a year training blindfolded, which is exactly how I wish I had seen “Old Dogs.” He also devises an ingenious way to fend off a ninja kill technique disguised as clean laundry.
Meanwhile, in Berlin, a police forensics analyst (Naomie Harris) begins looking into a network of something or other involving a trail of yada yada that leads wherever. Her group, Europol, goes after the ninjas, including Raizo, but one cop makes a big mistake when he brazenly refers to the ninjas as “a few whack jobs wearing pajamas.” No, that’s conservative bloggers.
Europol becomes a target of the rest of the Ozunus, who can’t allow anyone to jump the queue when it comes to torturing Raizo. The forensics expert, though, joins forces with Raizo after receiving a warning letter containing the evil ninjas’ trademark black sand.
I can tell her that an invitation to attend a screening of a new Disney movie that stars Robin Williams would have been equally unsettling.
“Ninja Assassin,” which is bloodier than peak hour at the abattoir, offers about 2½ films’ worth of roaring action — Raizo is so handy with a chain that surrounding ninjas fall like dandelions against a weed whacker — played with an earnest B-movie fervor. Despite the pace, though — pedal, have you met my friend metal? — “Ninja Assassin” still has some of its best stuff left at the end, when the master returns to demonstrate his extra-special, super-most-deadliest technique. This movie knows exactly what it is: Gonzo silliness about bodies turned into human salsa.