The cha-cha-cha is just three small steps in a Latin dance but last night it was one giant step for Tom DeLay.
The former House Majority Leader stole the show on “Dancing With the Stars,” the popular cringe-fest D-list celebrity reclamation project on ABC.
Touted as the program’s “highest-ranking star,” DeLay partnered with ballroom pro (and two-time winner) Cheryl Burke for a booty-shaking, lip-syncing, winking number set to the tune of “Wild Thing.”
And if you wanna know for sure: The whitest man in America can dance.
In a mud-brown vest trimmed with sequins and matching sansabelt trousers straight out of, well, his former Texas Congressional district, The Hammer began by shaking his tush (such as it was) at the camera.
Burke, in leopard print, met him as he slid across the floor on his knees and — God help us —lipsynched. Seeing Tom DeLay lipsynch “Wild Thing” is like seeing Osama bin Laden lipsynch “Proud to be an American.” Not something you expect, but who can take their eyes off it?
When it was all over, judge Carrie Ann Inaba put it best: “That wassurreal.”
Fellow judge Bruno Tonioli was apoplectic. “You are crazier than Sarah Palin!” hesputtered (it must have been the winking).
But, he also noted, “The little cha-cha you did was not so bad.”
And it was true. As Inaba told the Republican heavy: “You’re surprisingly light on your feet!”
Before the show began, DeLay was the odds-on longshot — sportsbook.com had him dead last to win at 30-1.
So you could say that by the end of the night he was already a winner, beating out ex-NFL star Michael Irvin and Ashley (son of George) Hamilton, and close on the heels of Ultimate Fighting champion Chuck Liddell.
For what it’s worth, watching Liddell dance is like getting shot with arrows one by one, and it looks as if he feels that way, too. Getting him off the show would be an act of mercy. Hamilton cuts a more dashing figure, but is no less wooden.
DeLay’s age, 62, worked for him. For an old guy, he seemed game, even engaging in a little trash talk with Irvin and Mark Dacascos (the “Iron Chef” guy).
His reputation also helped. When your other, nicer nickname is The Exterminator, simply not being evil goes a long way.
We actually had sympathy for DeLay in the pre-dance intro, which showed him getting manhandled by Burke in rehearsals, and fretting that “my greatest fear is that I might embarrass myself.”
It occurred to us that maybe that ship had already sailed.
But then we remembered that in the great bipartisan tradition of ignominy, where Tip O’Neill can shill for Miller Lite and Bob Dole can push Viagra, “Dancing With the Stars” looks downright dignified.