I met a 40-year-old guy at a happy hour four months ago and we’ve been in touch, mostly via flirty text messages, ever since. (He looks more like he’s 32, by the way.) If it were up to me, I’d see him more often. The sexual chemistry is phenomenal. But here’s my predicament: He rarely contacts me and is “unsure” if he wants a relationship. Our conversations are usually about meeting up, which, in turn, usually means hooking up.
In the past, when I’ve slept over, he wouldn’t touch me affectionately the next day. I would just shower and head on home. But recently, after not seeing each other for two months, he held me close to him. Problem is, I don’t know if it’s because he’s suddenly interested in taking it further, or just really missed hooking up with me. Should I ask him? I’m going nuts trying to win this guy over with my heart as opposed to just my body. Help!
— Darlene, 23, Florida
What 40-year-old wouldn’t want a 23-year-old on call? I think a 17-year age difference is a lot. Too much actually. I always dated older guys because I was searching for something many young girls search for: acceptance, specifically from my father. It’s a whole twisted battle that I was lucky enough to figure out on my own by acknowledging my weaknesses and mistakes. But I’m not going to get into that because it’s different for everyone and super psycho-babble-y.
So onto you and this guy: You’re 23 years old — you hold the cards here, not him. Don’t make yourself too available. When he calls, say you have plans and suggest another day. If that doesn’t work for him, then you’ll connect when the time’s right for each of you. (I know that’ll be very difficult to do, but you can’t be this guy’s doormat and you need to make that clear!)
Once you give him the brush off a few times, he’ll probably get flustered because he’s not getting his way. At that point, I’d say something along the lines of, “Look, I like you. I want to date you exclusively, but you call me, we hook up, you don’t call me for two months, then you do and get angry when I’m not available. I’m confused. I’m not waiting around for you, so let’s just know where we stand in this ‘relationship.’”
He should respect you more for just laying it out there. Then again, who knows? After you say you’re busy a few times he may just stop pursuing you, in which case, you got your answer. Good luck!
My boyfriend and I have great sex, and I wish we did it more often. Instead, he regularly masturbates with porn after I fall asleep — even on nights when I initiate sex! I wish he’d just wake me up when he’s ready. Rather, he thinks it’s no big deal to do it on his own. I think he has performance anxiety. Do you have any suggestions?
— Jessica, 33, Upper West Side
Oh, this is just not acceptable. The fact that you are willing to be woken up when he’s “aroused” is any guy’s dream (clearly!), and he turns to porn instead? I’d also feel unwanted and undesired.
He could very well have performance anxiety. Or, he could just have an addiction or strong affinity for porn. Have you tried watching it with him? If not, try it — and be the one to initiate it. Turn on a video and wake him up with oral sex. This will show him that you want to be included and are not scared to be involved. It’ll also show that you have big cahonas for taking control of the situation!
If he still continues his little party without you, consider a bigger question: Does he really love you? Because when you really love someone, you include him or her in the things that you enjoy doing — especially when it comes to sex. At that point, you might want to think about seeing a sex therapist. And if after that you still can’t seem to make this work, then move on and find someone who appreciates a warm, willing body as opposed to the fake (but yes, fun!) ones seen on the screen.
Have a question? E-mail AshleyDupre@nypost.com and follow her on Twitter at @ashleydupre.