This third installment of “Bachelor Pad” promises to be the most controversial since the last season of “Bachelor Pad,” which was way more controversial than the one before that, which was so much more controversial than your average Lady Antebellum video. Gather up the “most memorable” losers from “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” the ones who neither found love nor returned to their day jobs, then stir vigorously and vomit.
Why you hate yourself for watching it: Here we have more pretty real people who wear tight cocktail garb to lounge around in a large, Spanish-tiled house making vapid conversation. But here’s the twist: They’re also devious and horrible to each other because they want to win the $250,000 prize. I know, it’s a completely fresh idea. You might have liked them on “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette,” but you’re bound to hate each of them after just the first episode of “Bachelor Pad.” Also, you die a little bit inside knowing that you’re helping to keep people like Kalon (from Emily’s season of “The Bachelorette”) in the public eye, where he can smile at himself posing shirtless in front of a mirror…in front of America.
Especially cringeworthy: We’re supposed to be excited there are five “super fans” thrown into this petri dish, as though they’re any different from the regular contestants with the exception that they haven’t been to this particular rodeo. We have Paige, who says she’s so excited to see all these people that “I feel like I’m going to pee my pants, which has happened before.” Then there’s Chris, a SWAT officer, who likes to unwind at the end of a hard day with full grandpa pajamas, a little candlelight, a glass of merlot and “The Bachelorette.” And don’t forget about Donna, who is “literally going to live in my bikini in the house” and David, who I forgot about already. Finally, we have two blonde twins who act obnoxious, say dumb things, and will no doubt be promoted as “the most controversial” contestants ever simply because ABC has successfully cloned a vacuum.
Why you love it anyway and can’t stop watching: Unlike the liars on “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette” who delude themselves into thinking they’re out to find a meaningful relationship, you have to give these people credit for being honest about their money-grubbing motives. Every season they come up with new ways to screw one another, but it’s all in good fun (unlike the other two shows, where fans feel oddly and emotionally invested in seeing two people fall in fake love with one another). Plus, you’re keeping Chris Harrison gainfully employed, even if just in the editing booth — cue the many clips of the ladies talking about how sexy he is.
The upshot
: Watch with only minimal shame. It’s almost August; you can be forgiven for these late summer indiscretions. Also, you always feel better after you vomit.