Thomas Haden Church probably isn’t your best babysitting option.
The “Sideways” actor explored child-swapping in an insensitive but funny mock PSA on last night’s episode of “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”
The video promotes a fake company called Kid Swap, which takes “failing American kids,” the actor explains, and replaces them with smarter foreign students.
“If we take 12 percent of our dumb kids, and replace them with children from China and India, our tests scores actually go up 80 percent,” the actor explains.
So say goodbye, Billy. In the video, the portly “dumb-dumb” is replaced with a necktie-clad whiz-kid from China, Ming, who can do taxes and play the violin.
“And I hear he’s a scratch golfer,” Church says.
Jennifer, a Justin Bieber addict (of course) who picks her nose, gets swapped for Lakshmi – who does differential equations and plays the sitar.
And then there’s Kevin, who Church describes as a good student and a good athlete.
“There’s really no reason to kick him out,” Church says. “But I can get a Vladimir who’s fluent in four languages and knows how to make toilet vodka.”
Ah yes, toilet vodka – that’s what we need.