Opinion

Making Bam look good

Tonight, as the Democratic National Convention opens, a very special American will address the delegates and the nation. I have been leaked an advance text of those remarks.

Fellow Democrats and citizens of the world, I am certain you are aware of the high honor I have bestowed upon you this night — as I, the man commonly known as “the greatest ex-president,” deign to speak before you at the 2012 Democratic National Convention.

I’m sorry I was a few minutes late to the podium; I just decided to write a book at 7:52 and only completed it at 7:59. It is the 377th volume of my great ex-presidency, not counting my seven-canto epic poem, “Wives of Reprehensible Dictators To Whom I Have Sucked Up.” Asma al-Assad gave that one five stars on Amazon, which is the most you can give, but not as much as it deserved.

You will admire my new book. It is a sober and illuminating look at the problems facing our world. It’s called “Israel Stinks,” and it serves as a sequel to my 376th, “Phooey on Israel.” That was, of course, a prequel to my 324th, “Man, Do I Hate Israel,” which was, in turn, a followup to my 283rd, “Fifty Shades of How Much I Hate Israel.”

I know some of you are perplexed that I was approached by the Obama campaign to appear here in Charlotte. Some have asked why Barack Obama would seek to associate his presidency with mine in any way, given that the headwinds he faces this year are somewhat similar to the ones that faced me in 1980 as a sitting president.

Indeed, some point out that he has alienated the American Jewish community as no Democratic leader has since my presidency.

This is an outrage. I will not stand here and see my record impugned in this way. I made things much worse than Barack Obama did!

Did Barack Obama preside over a nation in which interest rates rose to 18 percent?

Did Barack Obama do nothing when Iranians seized 52 American diplomats and held them hostage?

Did Barack Obama launch the most disastrous rescue mission of all time, sending a single helicopter to Iran that blew up in the desert?

Sure, Barack Obama is running for re-election in a year in which economic growth has slowed significantly. But can he claim that in the second quarter of his reelection year, the economy actually shrank in absolute terms? You bet your life he can’t. Only I can claim that!

And while he has blamed everything from the previous administration to the weather to the Europeans to the previous administration for the nation’s continued economic ills, Barack Obama has not directly blamed the American people for the economy’s ills, as I dared to do in my legendary “malaise” speech.

And what about Barack Obama and the Jewish community? Sure, donations from Jews are down, and the president and his aides are concerned. But because of my handling of matters relating to Israel, and because of my barely disguised hostility and rage toward those who called me out on it, Ronald Reagan received somewhere between 39 and 45 percent of the Jewish vote in 1980.

Let’s see Barack Obama do worse than that!

Americans may say the country is on the wrong track by a margin of two-to-one. They may believe for the first time that their children are going to be worse-off than they were. Sixty percent of them don’t like Obamacare.

But my fellow Democrats, Barack Obama hasn’t brought the American people to their knees the way I did after just one term. My record stands firm. No matter what, he’s not going to be the worst Democratic president in history.

America, please cast a vote for Barack Obama in November. I’m Jimmy Carter, and I’m here to remind you: It could have been worse.

Thank you, and may God bless me.