Are you ready for some Pigskin Hondo! Week 1 is here and it’s time for Mr. Aitch to start moving the chains toward another season of handicapping excellence, one that very well may culminate in a third straight Best Bet championship, a second straight playoff over/under title and a sixth straight Super Bowl victory.
Therefore, you might want to pay strict attention to the following:
Jets over Bills: Have no fear, Jets fans, when the Ground, Pound and Punt fails, Gang Green now has its very own Touchdown Jesus to save the day.
Not only that but Buffalo can’t expect to compete when on the opposite sideline stands Rex “I know I’m A Great Coach” Ryan, who’s also the self-proclaimed “best defensive coach in football.” It’s amazing how reed-thin Rex lost all that weight but his mouth keeps getting bigger.
Did Mike Tannenbaum put himself on the PUP list during the offseason? Regardless, the GM’s inactivity won’t come into play until Week 2 in Pittsburgh.
Emauler Ed Buckmir says the Eva Longoria-Mark Sanchez coupling is a good fit — a former Desperate Housewife and a QB desperately seeking a TD. Also, he points out that with Eva in Charlotte for the convention, it should help the Jets by giving Sanchez time to bone up on the playbook.
Colts over Bears: U.S. District Court Chief Judge Mark Wolf ruled this week that convicted murderer Robert “Michelle” Kosilek, who is serving life without parole, is entitled to a sex-change operation, courtesy of the Massachusetts taxpayer. That prompted a ruling from Hondo, who decreed that, for being such a blatant bleeding heart, Judge Wolf should be required to be the first to sample Robert’s new parts.
Eagles over Browns: SuperNanny Bloomberg on the two murders by stabbing at the West Indian Day Parade: “Given the concentration of people and the celebration, if God said, ‘Would you make that deal every year?’ I’d give it some thought.” But only if it’s somebody else’s child, right SuperNanny?
Saints over Redskins: So if you are keeping track, the meddlesome Mayor, who wants to control what goes into everyone’s bodies, seems to break it down thusly: transfats, no; nicotine, no; salt, no; soda, no. Knives? Well, maybe a couple.
Patriots over Titans: Apparently not enough Pats’ fans heeded Gisele’s call to “Pray for Tommy!” before his Super Bowl failure. Maybe simple praying isn’t enough. Maybe everybody has to Tebow for Tommy.
Jaguars over Vikings: Some of the Jaguars reportedly are doing yoga with the team trainer, so it wouldn’t be a total stretch to see these downward facing underdogs cover some big spreads this year.
Dolphins over Texans: Twelve points are too many. In fact, it’s the Vito Lopez Game Of The Week — grab ’em.
Lions over Rams: With Megatron dominating on offense and the Megathugs marauding on defense, when the Lions get done with the Lambs, Hondo predicts the final score will qualify as the Anthony “A-Wad” Weiner Ridiculous Bulge Of The Week.
Chiefs over Falcons: Joey Buttafuoco has announced plans to write a memoir titled: “Closure.” A better title might be: “Still Milking The Attempted Murder Of My Ex-Wife By My Ex-Mistress After All These Years.”
49ers over Packers: The Niners may have to overcome the absence of Brandon Jacobs (knee), which won’t be easy. Where are they going to find a 264-pound, tough-talking, tip-toeing RB on such short notice?
Bucs over Panthers: Hondo hears Bill Clinton wanted to do some modified Eastwooding during Wednesday night’s nomination speech. However ’Crat officials refused to let him bring on an empty blue crusty love dress. That’s too bad, because he had a few remarks already prepared, such as: “Why the hell didn’t you dry-clean this damn crusty dress, Miss Lewinsky? If it was just my word against yours, I coulda kept lying forever.”
Cardinals over Seahawks: A bonus from Buckmir, who tips his hat to the teleprompter operator who had to keep up with all of Caroline Kennedy’s “ums,” and “you knows” during her speech yesterday.
Steelers over Broncos: Two members of Russian punk band Pussy Riot fled the country to avoid being thrown into jail for “hooliganism motivated by religious hatred.” Hondo hears they may re-form the band under a different name. Possibilities include: Vagina Uprising, Crotch Commotion, Vajazzle-Dazzle and Leon Tw-tsky.
Ravens over Bengals: Cincy no doubt signed Benjarvis Green-Ellis, aka the Law Firm, not only to bolster the running game but also to help keep the Bengwads out of jail this season.
Chargers over Raiders: Barry Bonds has joined Roger Clemens in offering support for Lance Armstrong, calling him “the greatest cyclist of all-time.” Maybe the Sultan of Shrivel and Lance should get together sometime and compare nuts, er, notes.
BEST BETS: Jets, Steelers, Giants (L).
hondo@nypost.com