Entertainment

‘Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo’ recap: emotional biscuitcase

Well, all soul-crushing things must come to an end, and thus we join the Boo-Boo family for the last time (until her myriad HOLLA-day specials, anyway). These are magical times of memories to remember and never forget, so June has decided to commemorate it all in family photo session.

Off to the boat landing they go in the sweltering Georgia heat, where they pick the perfect spot under a bridge, which is a bonus because that they can troll-trap some billy goats after they’re done. June has painted her beautimous barn in some pancake makeup, but Sugar Bear didn’t even bother to wear one of his t-shirts without a stretched-out neck. Everyone is arguing in the swampy, gross heat, but there’s a few shots where the smiles look vaguely real, so let’s call it a success.

Back home, Alana decides it’s time to pack up her stuff for her next pageant, called, “Beach Beauties.” She has a new “swimsuit” (it’s the last episode, just play along) a royal blue peek-a-Boo-Boo teddy getup that will allow subtle glimpses of her belly jiggle. “I LOOK LIKE A BLUEBERRY IN MY SWIMSUIT,” Alana proclaims. “DAMN, I GOT GNATS ON ME.”

Biscuit alert! Chickadee’s about to birth this baby, so the family heads out to the hospital in the pickup. If you were looking for an after-school-special moment on the pitfalls of teen pregnancy, look elsewhere. “Do whatever you wanna do,” says Chickadee in the throes of labor.

Happily, as Alana tells us, “Baby Kaitlyn arrived on the Biscuit Express!” The Biscuit Express must be a different train than the neverending one that lurches past Casa Boo-Boo at all hours of the day. Sugar Bear is an emotional biscuitcase, thinking back to when Alana was born, before she started shouting about blueberries and gnats.

Kaitlyn is a cutie, but the Boo-Boo sisters aren’t sure what to do with the fact that she has two right thumbs. “Kaitlyn is highly evolved,” explains June. Alana sees the bright side. “If I had an extra finger, I could grab more cheese balls.”

Alana can’t wait for Baby Kaitlyn to get home. She threatens to pee her pants and can’t wait to smell her, assuming she smells like sunshine and happiness instead of biscuits (ahem) and poop/gravy. And oh what joy when Kaitlyn does arrive. She’s so small that Alana can’t help but exclaim, “I POOP BIGGER.” They are adorable together in spite of themselves. “If she gets gassy, she’s one of the family.”

So Alana had to skip out on the Beach Beauties pageant because of the baby thing, but June tells her about a new pageant that’s in just two days! Unfortunately June can’t talk about that because the gnats are buzzing around the barn. In the best guttural, primal growl she’s got, she shouts, “YOU’VE GOT TO COME ON WITH THESE DAMN GNATS.” I’m pretty sure at least half of them dropped dead right then. The rest were inhaled in one of her sneezing fits.

Anyway, Sugar Bear’s little brother Uncle Poodle is coming to help get Alana ready for this new pageant. Uncle Poodle is gay, which is something everyone loves to talk and laugh about, especially June. Why we’re only meeting Uncle Poodle now is one of TLC’s greatest mysteries, because he is awesome. Alana knows this because, again, she is the smartest person in town. “AIN’T NOTHIN’ WRONG WITH BEING A LITTLE GAY. EVERYBODY’S A LITTLE GAY!” she proclaims. (Programming query: when is the crossover episode with Real Housewives of New York where Alana battles Sonja for Self-Proclaimed Favorite Gay Icon? Let’s get to work on this, Bravo and TLC!)

As for Uncle Poodle, he’s got his own opinions. “Redneck ain’t the word for this damn family. One got bugs, one farts all the time, one’s playin’ in the mud, and one’s diggin’ in her butt all the time.” I’m not sure how he draws these distinctions between those four girls. Pumpkin basically farts bugs into the mud 24-7, so what category does she fall into? Uncle Poodle teaches Alana plenty of poses and sashays before a grass fight – yup – breaks out and derails the entire process.

It is Sparkle and Shine Pageant day, the day we thought would never, ever come. June left Alana’s makeup to the professional lady from the gas station beauty shop, and she tries to pep her up. “Are you gonna do good? More happier! More happier!” she snarls, as we all sigh with relief that there’s no interview portion of the pageant. “I have chicken nugget power!” exclaims Alana. She sasses her blueberries and nuggets all over that stage while Sugar Bear shares that he’s “always nervous before crowning.”

Sigh, for all her best efforts, Alana is not the winner. But, she wins the “People’s Favorite” award so hooray! And the family presents her with the best surprise – Glitzy is back! Well, not for good. But at least for a few minutes? Yay? Still, Alana is super happy. “Glitzy, you made my summer the best!” And with that, our time with the Boo-Boos has ended. We hope it has been educational.