When “Cheat: A Man’s Guide To Infidelity” hits stores on Oct. 9, there are sure to be people who won’t find it funny, even though the three authors — Bill Burr, Joe DeRosa and Robert Kelly — are well-known stand-up comedians. The book, based on a short film the authors made, is a satirical look at cheating from three dudes who’ve done plenty of it.
“It’s like three guys who used to rob banks,” says DeRosa. “Now we’re telling you, in a funny way, how to rob banks, too.”
For those considering membership in what the book calls “The Fraternity of Cheaters,” DeRosa wants to make one thing clear:
“We’re not telling you [to cheat],” he says. “We’re just saying, if you’re going to do this — and you probably are at some point — here’s how to do it in a way that doesn’t make everybody miserable.”
Happy cheating,
everyone!
Be single, but be careful
Even the most casual relationships come with a commitment. “For some reason, you’re not supposed to sleep with multiple people when you’re single,” says DeRosa. To prevent things from getting dicey, shut up. Don’t brag about your random trysts, lest you want the whole world to know you’re the poster boy for noncommitment and develop a strategy to juggle your many ladies. As the book says, “Your d – – k has a goal, but it has no plan.”
Learn to lie
Don’t just proclaim your innocence, project your guilt onto the prosecuting party. That’s how a woman lies, and since they’re way better at it, men should follow suit. “When you catch a woman in a lie, she says things like ‘It isn’t my fault you’re thinking this.’ ” says DeRosa. “That makes us think not only is she innocent, but we end up feeling bad, too.”
Nighttime is the right time to do the wrong thing
The odds of being caught go way down. “Look, when the government pulls off some covert operation, there’s a reason you do it at night,” DeRosa says.
Avoid girls who wear glitter
Should you decide to do things at your place, there will most definitely be cleanup involved. And if you want to make that chore easier for yourself, avoid the shiny stuff. “There is no greater adversary, no better foil, no more formidable foe than glitter,” the authors say.
Log off
Once upon a time, man had to leave his house to hunt. Nowadays, he doesn’t even have to change his clothes, let alone his surroundings, to pursue the opposite sex. The Web has become such a notorious forum for inappropriate behavior, DeRosa says, the man who goes out on the town now seems more trustworthy than the man who surfs the ’net all day. “The time will come where the safest thing for your partner to do is go on a trip or go out,” he says. “The justification will be, ‘Hey, if I was cheating, I’d just go online.’”
But when you log on . . .
Keep a low profile on Facebook: never accept friend requests from women on the side, stay away from Twitter (“all the dangers of Facebook distilled down to their purest form”) and if you’re setting up a rendezvous on your cellphone, “shut off every ringer, buzzer, and bell” because if your phone goes off “during Leno’s monologue, you are going to get the third degree from your woman.”