Hondo, with a little push from the incompetents known as the replacements, stumbled his way to a 4-12 Week 3 record that barely kept him out of the basement. In fact, Mr. Aitch would have bull-rushed his way right to rock bottom if not for the overall ineptitude of Dave Blezow.
Bless you, Blezow!
Now that the NFL has replaced the replacement refs — a three-week debacle wrapped in a disgrace inside a travesty — Mr. Aitch feels confident he will be able to begin flexing handicapping muscles that would make returning ref Ed Hochuli proud.
49ers over Jets: The Jets might be the worst 2-1 team in the league. The sans-Revis defense, which was overrated to begin with, is in trouble, and the offense has difficulty walking the walk because it’s so pedestrian. Factor in the Bounce Back Theory, and it’s fairly evident the Niners will do a number on the spread.
A bone from BarkingMut: “The last time someone named Wilson took over an island like Kyle’s doing for Revis, it was the volleyball Tom Hanks conversed with in Castaway.”
Eagles over Giants: The Umneyioras have replaced the Hatfields and are going at it again with the McCoys, with accusations flowing back and forth centering on the other’s femininity. Meanwhile, the Giants appeared invincible last week against the Panthers — clearly Cam was in over his head — and the Eagles were razed in Arizona, with Vick getting harassed into 20 misfires in 37 attempts. Therefore, since the league works in irrational ways, Philly is the obvious choice.
Patriots over Bills: Now that the real refs are back, does this mean Belichick is done chasing down and pawing at refs like they’re Giants Stadium receptionists?
Mike Francesa said he didn’t lose any sleep over the replacement refs.
Let’s face it, not even North Carolina TV reporter Dan Tordjman — Robby Cano’s least favorite journalist — could have made up an ending like Seahawks-Packers.
Vikings over Lions: The Michael Kennedy wedding came off without a hitch last weekend. Family members were relieved it wasn’t crashed by Taylor Swift, who apparently was busy tending to her junior cougar responsibilities.
Falcons over Panthers: The NYC Department of Education reportedly is giving out morning-after contraception pills, aka Plan B, at some high schools. However, the SuperNanny Mayor has one request for the possibly pregnant: Please do not wash down your Plan Bs with oversized cups of sugary beverages.
Chiefs over Chargers: Sources at Stuy High say the Plan B pills are very popular on Thursdays, which makes perfect sense following so closely to Slutty Wednesday.
Titans over Texans: In another development that has the meddlesome Mayor’s fingerprints all over it, the city plans to ban sweetened beverages and fatty vending machine snacks at summer camps next year. Rumor has it the vending machines now will dispense condoms and Plan B pills.
Rams over Seahawks: Lady GaGa reportedly has packed on 25 pounds, which prompted her to recall the eating disorders she endured while growing up. Nevertheless, until further notice, she will be known as Porky GaGa.
Cardinals over Dolphins: It was a big week for bulimics. On “Katie,” Couric regurgitated her own battle with bulimia back in her college days. The perky puker must have been a lot of fun on dates, frequently breaking off after-dinner embraces to go hug the bowl. Word is it got so bad her roommates wondered if something was wrong with her because she was always in the bathroom screaming for some guy named “Rrrrrraaaalph!”
Raiders over Broncos: Joe “Gaffe Machine” Biden, who once said of his boss, “I promise you, the President has a big stick,” committed another violation of the penile code this week. The Gaffe Machine told high school students in a gymnasium in Newport, N.H.: “Guess what, the cheerleaders are the best athletes in college. They’re almost all gymnasts. The stuff they do on hard wood, it blows my mind.” Easy, Joe!
Bengals over Jaguars: Obama, meanwhile, took flak from Republicans this week for his interview on “60 Minutes” in which he referred to the Middle East uprising in which four Americans were killed as “bumps in the road.” Of course, Biden was quick to correct the President, telling him: Hey, Big Stick, don’t you mean bittersweet bumps in the road?
Packers over Saints: Bonus bark from the Mut: Ex-NFL running back and all-pro defecator Najeh “Plop Along” Davenport [winner of the 2002 Hondo Man-Perp of the Year Award] says the replacement refs made every game a crap shoot.
Redskins: over Bucs: It’s hard to tell who was more in denial recently, Roger Goodell and the NFL owners, who insisted the replacement zebras were doing a top-notch job; or Obama, who has insisted the 9/11 killings in Libya were a spontaneous reaction to an offensive movie trailer.
Cowboys over Bears: It’s good to see that the power of prayer worked. No, not for getting the real referees back on the field; for getting KStew and RPattz are back together.
BEST BETS: 49ers, Patriots, Redskins.
LAST NIGHT: Browns.(W)