Candy Crowley:
Welcome to this Town Hall-style forum, featuring the winner of the first debate, Mitt Romney, and Barack Obama, who promises to be less polite and more aggressive. The first question comes from a man with a ponytail.
Ponytail Guy:
Mr. President, can I sit on your lap and will you tell me everything is going to be OK?
Obama: You can sit on my lap, certainly, but don’t try to sit in Mitt’s. He’s got some crazy underwear on under there.
Crowley:
Gov. Romney, your rebuttal?
Romney:
I was just thinking about a man who sat in my lap in the suffering swing-state town of Sandusky, Ohio. He said he’d been out of work for two years, and as I held him, I told him what I’ll tell you right now (and nice ponytail, by the way): Everything will work out as long as I win in November, but if I don’t, all the laps in the world won’t save him or you.
Obama:
Did you say Sandusky, Ohio? Mitt, you want to do to America what Sandusky did to those boys!
Crowley:
The next question comes from a teacher.
Teacher:
As a teacher responsible for molding the minds of precious young people, my question is what will you do to make sure I pay nothing for my health care and get more vacation?
Crowley:
Gov. Romney?
Romney:
I have a seven-point approach on these matters. I’ll now enumerate them so quickly you won’t be able to remember what I said but you’ll be impressed by how substantive I am.
Obama:
I want 100,000 more teachers with 100,000 more vacations and 100,000 percent freer health care. If we hire those teachers, that will bring the unemployment rate down to 5 percent — you hear that, Bureau of Labor Statistics? Five. Percent. On Nov. 2. At 8:31 am.
Crowley:
President Obama, let me ask you, why did Mitt Romney politicize the tragic killing of our ambassador and three others in Libya?
Obama:
I’m glad you asked that, Candy.
Crowley:
Just trying to do my part.
Obama:
You always do. Candy, what few people know is that Mitt Romney was nowhere to be seen in the hours before the tragic killing of four Americans in Benghazi.
I’m not sure whether he was giving a woman cancer, putting a dog on the roof of a car, cutting a gay kid’s hair, baptizing a dead Jew to satisfy the demands of his so-called religion, or where he was. But we’re going to get to the bottom of it. We have an ongoing investigation. I really can’t say any more.
Crowley:
Gov. Romney, your rebuttal.
Romney:
The White House has blamed Hillary Clinton’s State Department and David Petraeus’s CIA for the failure in Benghazi. As a businessman, I know that the key to success is not caring who gets the credit. Apparently in this administration, the key is not caring who gets the blame as long as it’s not the president.
Obama:
Speaking of blame, American people, if you don’t like ObamaCare, you know who you should blame? Not me. I was just standing there and then somebody handed me this plan, said it was really good, would solve everything. Called RomneyCare. RomneyCare — it’s everything you hate about ObamaCare!
Crowley: The last question is from a young person.
Young Person:
I’m, like, cynical? And I really want to, you know, believe in something? And my sister was like, I believed in Obama in 2008, and I’m like, so jealous of her. Also she graduated and she moved back in my room and stays there all day reading Reddit.
So, you know, can I find belief and also can you get her out of my room?
Crowley:
Mr. President?
Obama:
Please give me your sister’s name and I will see to it she is gainfully employed voting in several states. If that doesn’t make you believe in miracles, how about asking Mitt about how a kid in upstate New York named Joe Smith got two magic rocks and some gold plates from an angel called Moron.
Romney:
That’s Moroni.
Obama:
There you go, injecting religion into this campaign so your bitter clingers can have something other than guns to hold onto. Oops, I almost forgot: 47 percent! Boo-ya!
Crowley:
I’m Candy Crowley, and I speak for 90 percent of us in the mainstream media when I say the only event that matters is the event on Nov. 6 when you vote for Barack Obama. Good night.