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Think you have problems because men text you nothing more than “hey. . . ?” No, you don’t, no matter what Lena Dunham and the first season of “Girls” suggests. Not compared to the woman whose hook-up is texting her only animal noises. She has problems. Hilarious ones.
Which I know about, not because I’m friends with her, but because she posted her entire exchange on HeTexted.com, a Web site that claims to be “The first Q&A service dedicated to girls’ dating questions.”
A beta version of the site launched last week, and already there are thousands of awkward texts posted for total strangers to review. Then they get to vote by clicking “He’s into you,” “He’s not into you” or “Verdict is still out.”
Let’s get back to the lady suffering from animal-noise:
Her: “Hey! I had a great time last night”
Him: “Fa la la la grrrrrrrrrrrr”
Her: “Meow! I am your kitty cat”
Him: “Grrrr”
Her: “You are my tiger! Roar for me, baby.”
Him: “GrrrrrrrrRrRrRrRrR”
Her: “Are you mad at me?”
The woman who submitted this text explains: “I’ve been hooking up with this guy for a few weeks. I really like him — he is so hot and is totally awesome in bed! The thing is that, he hardly speaks to me when we’re together and when I initiate texts he always responds in onomatopoeia [animal noises]. What do you guys think?”
I didn’t vote — because there was no box for “no one else will ever love you the way he loves you” — but 134 voters feel he is “not that into her.” Just five readers feel that he is.
One commenter angrily replies, “Onomatopoeia is a way for guys to avoid actually talking to girls while fooling you into thinking he’s interested so you’ll keep sleeping with him.”
He’s not the only one on the site who’s into animals. After making out with someone at a party, a woman reports his first text to her:
Him: “Imax polar bears narrated by Meryl Streep!”
He included a picture of polar bears, as if pictures of polar bears are the flower bouquets and chocolates of the text world.
Another dater wondered if a guy she had known for two days was trying to seduce her with a grocery list for crepes.
Him: “I’m at the store picking up supplies for tonight. I’ve got whipped cream, chocolate syrup, and wasabi mustard. Should I get strawberries as well?”
Either way, that wasabi is going to be . . . surprising.
Inspired by sites such as Texts From Last Night, founders Lisa Winning and Carrie Henderson sought to offer a digital substitute for the gaggle of friends who normally weigh in on such issues.
The site’s most popular entry involves a woman named Kate.
Him: Sorry fell asleep last night. Can’t believe you were outside and I didn’t hear you. Come over tonight?
“What do I text back?” Kate asks. “Who falls asleep when a girl they like is coming to see them? But he still acts like he’s really into me.”
Nearly 1,700 readers responded. It’s a landslide for “He’s not into you.” Those who say the verdict is out reason that maybe he got drunk and fell asleep.
While its founders have noble ideas, the site’s true purpose isn’t to help the people sending in texts. It’s to make everyone who’s not posting feel like they’ve chosen incredibly sane lovers. A noncommittal “hey” never looked so good.