Ciao, Bella. “Twilight” is done with tonight’s release of “Breaking Dawn: Part 2.” It’s been only four years since the first “Twilight” movie, but due to a production schedule that surged forth at the speed of teen hormones, all five episodes are out before fans of the first film managed to snag their first boyfriends. Sure, the movies weren’t very good, but what’s a middle-school obsession if you can’t be embarrassed by it later?
Getting two movies out of “Breaking Dawn” proved to be a genius move, but “The Hobbit” has upped the stakes by splitting a not-very-long book into three films. So, what if they squeezed one more movie out of the franchise? Twihards can dream, can’t they?
Read on for the possibilities.
‘Twilight Meets Buffy’
True, Joss Whedon is a little busy making “Avengers” movies, but you know his heart lies with his first love, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” Let’s face it, “Twilight” takes itself far too seriously and could only be improved by a little snark. And what better way to end it all than with Buffy tricking Edward, Bella and Renesmee into getting neatly stacked-up playing Twister, so she can shish-kabob all of them with a single wooden stake? You can easily picture Buffy’s farewell line to Bella, can’t you? “Here’s for setting female empowerment back 150 years, BEE-YOTCH!”
‘Twilight: The Thinly Veiled Christian Allegory’
This time the story will appear to be about vampires and werewolves, but throughout there will be heavy-handed lessons about the importance of saving your virginity till marriage, with a strong pro-life message and an underlying theme of women being helpless and in constant need of protection by men . . . wait, they already did all that the first time around.
‘The Real Stars of Twilight: Unfiltered’
Since the real-life dramatis personae are so much more interesting than the bland heroes and snarling villains on screen, let’s take Kristen Stewart’s advice: “I’m going to just let people watch whatever movie they think our lives are,” she told the “Today” show. Really? Because that would kinda be a better movie than the ones you keep filming.
Instead of the melodrama of Team Edward and Team Jacob, there will be the much more interesting melodrama of Team Robert and Team Rupert. Idea: Put tracking devices and film crews on the actors, and the little trampire’s “Snow White and the Huntsman” director Rupert Sanders, so we can check in on them at all times. True, RPatz can only move in and out of KStew’s house so many times, and it won’t be overly scintillating to hear KStew reflect on the possibilities of motherhood with such lines as this one from an actual interview: “Dude. I can’t wait to be a mom, but like, I can wait.”
On the other hand, Robsten’s real-life musings can’t be any dumber than the actual dialogue George Lucas wrote for “Revenge of the Sith.”
‘Fifty Shades of the Twilight Games’
But no, that would be crazy. Bringing together characters from three successful franchises to play off one another didn’t work at all for Iron Man, the Hulk and Thor. Maybe wolf-boy Jacob and nature-girl Katniss would hit it off and run into the woods together to live in a den. And wouldn’t it be fun to see Christian Grey and Edward Cullen fighting over Bella? Better yet, what if sparks flew between Christian and Edward? Robert Pattinson has already said he’d make another “Twilight” if they made Edward gay, and given the non-success of “Cosmopolis” and “Remember Me,” RPatz could really use another “Twilight” paycheck to ease him through the next 50 years of fading fame.
‘Twilight: Bringing Up Renesmee’
Now the shoe’s on the other foot: A few years down the road, we start over with Edward and Bella’s daughter as she hits puberty. This will be another tale of an alienated, sulky teen, only this time the story is told from the point of view of the exasperated parents. “Renesmee, what’s with the deep blue funk? Life isn’t so bad.” “Renesmee, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you. There will be other boys.” “Renesmee, your room looks like a landfill. Clean it please.” “Renesmee, stop being such a freak.” “Renesmee, I’ve been through everything you’re going through, only worse. Don’t you roll your eyes at me, young lady. Come back here when I’m talking to you!”