“Skyfall” has been praised as the best James Bond film ever, with a stunning 92% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and more than $800 million in global ticket sales.
It is also the pinnacle example, after 50 years and 23 films, of why James Bond is the most inept hero in the history of cinema.
This is apparent from his first film, 1962’s “Dr. No.” Captured trying to infiltrate the villain’s island lair, Bond is bafflingly left alive. Dr. No claims it’s because 007 may be the only man to appreciate his cunning scheme, though even after the classic “you disappoint me” moment, Bond still isn’t killed and is put in a cell with a convenient man-sized ventilation shaft.
This sort of behavior has been mocked by Austin Powers and “The Incredibles” (“You got me monologuing!”). But you wonder if the villains are acting stupid just to make it interesting.
Bond is caught in every film, usually because his idea of “espionage” is to have a cover so ridiculous it’s blown in about 30 seconds. Sorry, 007, but Karl Stromberg knows you’re not really a marine biologist, Elliot Carver is aware you’re not a banker and while you’re discussing horses with Max Zorin, he’s accessing your secret MI6 files.
The only film where Bond’s alias actually sticks is “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service,” where he poses as a heredity expert to fool Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Which is strange, because the two just spent the previous movie, “You Only Live Twice,” battling in a volcano lair yet fail to recognize each other.
OK, but Bond’s skills are as impeccable as Dom Perignon ’53, right? Hardly. In “From Russia With Love,” he notoriously suspects Red Grant because of his beverage choice, red wine with fish, yet still lets Grant get the drop on him. He spends much of “For Your Eyes Only” backing the wrong Greek. Though he beats Le Chiffre at poker in “Casino Royale,” he still manages to get captured (again) because he doesn’t realize that Vesper is compromised.
So how does Bond save the world? Usually because of the girl. Goldfinger fails to irradiate Fort Knox simply because Pussy Galore tips off the feds. Domino saves Bond’s life in “Thunderball,” just as Pam Bouvier does in “License to Kill,” and Vesper does in “Royale.” Even Christmas Jones defuses a nuclear bomb, and when you’re upstaged by Denise Richards . . .
Which brings us to “Skyfall,” and needless to say, here be spoilers.
Bond’s ineptitude is elevated to a plot point in this film, as he’s wounded in the prologue, kicks around in semi-retirement and then fails the tests required to be reinstated. There are suggestions that Bond is too old for this crap, which is amusing when you consider that Roger Moore was 57 when he seduced Grace Jones in “A View to a Kill” and Daniel Craig is only 44.
Still, he’s put into service, sent to hunt down Javier Bardem’s Silva, a former MI6 agent with a vendetta against boss M, played by Judi Dench.
After a convoluted plan that hilariously involves using a subway train as a weapon, our heroes escape. True to his terrible instincts, Bond decides the best course of action is for him and M to face the endless hordes of Silva’s henchman alone in a stone Scottish estate. He doesn’t even bring more guns.
Bond has one job and one job only: Keep M alive.
And he fails! While Bond is busy fighting a henchmen under water for about a half hour, M bleeds to death. It’s amazing that Bond isn’t put on trial, much less remaining a 00.
Critics credit “Skyfall” with breaking the Bond formula, a Kabuki involving a slam-bang opening, a visit to Q, a maniacal bad guy, a bad girl (who dies) and a good girl (who lives). Craig’s films have shaken things up a bit by having the good girl — first Vesper, then M — die in the end, but it’s less stirring than they think. The filmmakers have done these “darker, more personal” turns before; heck, Bond not only got married in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service,” but his new bride was assassinated at the end.
All “Skyfall” has done is acknowledge what was only hinted at before — that except for looking good in a tuxedo, Bond isn’t much of a spy.
It was fashionable a few years back to say that Bond had lost a step to other franchises that were more “realistic.” Malarkey. Jason Bourne is the fantasy, killing bad guys with rolled-up magazines, escaping any situation.
Bond has reigned for 50 years because he’s just like us — a screw-up who needs a good stiff drink and a lot of luck. And even then, it usually takes a good woman to win.
slynch@nypost.com