Brooke D’Orsay and Paolo Costanzo of “Royal Pains.” (Isabella Vosmikova/USA Network)
Magda Apanowicz stars in “12 Disasters of Christmas” on Syfy. (Syfy)
Amid all the Christmas cheer and accompanying maudlin movies comes this year’s “next generation” of holiday specials, filled with plenty of humbug and the season’s worst tidings:
“666 Park Avenue” (Today, 10 p.m., ABC) With its impending cancellation, this series doesn’t have much to celebrate, even with Whoopi Goldberg as a guest star, so we’ll let the producers wind things up. Jane (Rachael Taylor) is hurled back in time to October 1927 by the mysterious Maris Elder (Goldberg), who hypnotizes her in an effort to find out where she disappeared down the spiral staircase. Her time travel adventures unlock secrets long hidden in Peter Kramer’s apartment, where his wife was murdered, and show Jane that her family has a dark legacy that’s tangled with the Drake’s history. Meanwhile, Gavin (Terry O’Quinn) talks to Henry about the possibility of becoming a city councilman, but his chances may be destroyed by the leak of some sensitive personal information. And in a shocking revelation, Sasha’s identity is exposed. Here’s a question that’s keeping me up at night: Which ABC show will next hire Vanessa Williams (Olivia) to play. . . Vanessa Williams?
“12 Disasters of Christmas” (Saturday, Dec. 8, 9 p.m., Syfy) Hallmark, ABC Family and Lifetime try to hog all the holiday limelight with their cavity-inducing overload of sugar-sweet holiday flicks. Which is why this Syfy movie makes the list of Mama’s favorite things, with an end-of-days plot amid a slew of Christmas references: The main character’s name is Jacey (Madga Apanowicz) — get it? Sounds like JC, like Jesus Christ? Guess what her parents’ names are? Yeah, it’s bound to be schmaltzy and awful, but at least you haven’t seen this holiday special a bazillion times already.
“Christmas Twister” (Sunday, Dec. 16, 5 p.m., ION) The cable channel that you’ll need your on-screen menu guide to find serves up plenty of trite holiday romances. (Mama’s favorite of the ridiculous bunch is “A Star for Christmas” in which a famous actor ends up working in — and falling in love in — a cupcake shop.) And although the last stop on the holiday express for ION is probably just another love story — storm’s destruction causes man to patch up things with his wife and rescue his kids — it promises the most awesomely awful idea for a movie: Christmastime tornadoes. Mama’s checking the DVR right now in hopes that AMC will match that kind of disaster with a “Walking Dead” zombie holiday special or FX will serve up an “American Horror Story” Christmas tale. Oh, and if the whole twister and mayhem weren’t enough to convince you, Casper Van Dien (“Starship Troopers”) is the meteorologist trying to fix his troubled marriage.
“Royal Pains” (Sunday, Dec. 16, 9 p.m., USA) It may just be wishful thinking on Mama’s part, but she’s kind of hoping for a lot of discomfort and sorrow for the two-hour event that is the ostentatious Hamptons winter wedding of Evan (Paulo Costanzo) and Paige (Brooke D’Orsay). Hank’s (Mark Feuerstein) ex, Jill (Jill Flint), will return from her work in Africa for the big day, which will be marred by an ill-timed snow-storm.
“Rizzoli & Isles” (Tuesday, Dec. 25, 9 p.m., TNT) The gifts will have been opened and the eggnog drunk by the time you reach for the remote to turn on a heart-warming special for the female detectives — except for that unfortunate building collapse trapping their loved ones inside. Unless Angie Harmon can extract the trapped victims with a rousing, baritone rendition of “Silent Night” (as Carol and the kids did to rescue architect Mike and his perm when his building collapsed in “A Very Brady Christmas” back in 1988), there won’t be much joy in Boston for the holidays.
The Starz Friday Lineup. If you want to forget the holiday season altogether, nothing says good will toward men less than these programs. They’re rerunning their scripted dramas each Friday in December, starting at 8 p.m. with “Magic City,” followed by the recently canceled “Boss,” the nudie sword-and-sandals drama “Spartacus: Vengeance,” “Camelot,” and at midnight, “Torchwood.” What could be less festive?