CHATTER BOTCH: Jon Gruden (inset) can’t keep himself from talking, so much so that he even goes out of his way to praise plays like Robert Griffin III’s fumble that turned into a touchdown Monday night against the Giants. (UPI; AP (inset))
What are we going to do? We can’t go on like this. And it’s not us; it’s them. Led by shot-callers who clearly don’t know good from bad, TV continues to beat football into a double-dare-ya to our good senses.
And try as all networks might, none is as aggressive, excessive and regressive — Clyde Frazier, ladies and gentlemen! — than the “Worldwide Leader in Sports,” ESPN.
In double-talking, hyperbolic chatterbox, Jon Gruden, ESPN has given the apparent coach-in-waiting continuing permission to destroy every Monday night NFL telecast. What he did to the latest, Giants-Skins, was attach us to the wearing of earphones — the U.S. Marine band’s salute to John Philip Sousa coming from one side, a Yoko Ono album out of the other.
Unlike us, Gruden’s inexhaustible; he starts early, ends late.
Before the first play from scrimmage, he said of Washington, “They do not want to get behind.” He must’ve been slipped a copy of the game plan.
And there’s no short story that he can’t turn into a saga. After noting, in the first quarter, the Giants average only four penalties, he added, “And they’ve got to continue to master their discipline of avoiding penalties.” Oy.
Then there was, “I think that’s the third third-and-short conversion for this New York Giants football team.”
That’s not analysis or even casual conversation; that’s the kind of filler used to stuff term papers, to make them reach five single-spaced pages.
Still first quarter, Giants with a third-and-8 from Washington’s 22: “[Washington defensive coordinator] Jim Haslett likes to apply pressure in third-down, red-zone situations.”
He and many others. But this play wasn’t in the red zone. And, while we’re at it, does any TV expert know when red zone possessions start? We know where they start — at the 20 — and we know that they are statistically and mindlessly presented as all the same, but do they begin on first down, only, or can they start on downs two-through-four?
Oh, well, they’re very important stats, anyway.
Back to Gruden. Second quarter, Redskins safety Reed Doughty breaks up a pass: “They’ve really struggled at the safety position. They’ve played three different safeties based on who you put in on offense. But you can always count on Doughty.”
Huh? What? They’ve “struggled at the safety position” and have “played three different” safeties, yet “you can always count on Doughty”? All in favor say, “Maybe.”
In the third quarter, a graphic showed that Redskins DB Tanard Jackson is suspended. Gruden, who tells us far more than we need or want to know, then spoke far less: “Some off-the-field problems.”
To say the least. Jackson’s suspended for the entire season following a third failed drug test.
Third quarter. A fumble near the sideline created the now obligatory pushing and pulling to add or remove bodies from the pile. Gruden: “These teams hate each other.”
They do? Why withhold that “fact” for nearly three quarters?
That hatred was in full view two plays later, when Victor Cruz, after catching a long pass, was helped to his feet by DB DeAngelo Hall. Gruden, finally, chose to say nothing.
Gruden vandalized the entire telecast. There was another reference to “the old Tampa Two” play — whatever that is — and a “jerk route,” which suspiciously sounded as if he’d called our number.
Robert Griffin III, his sensational, self-sacrificing play so self-evident, was, nonetheless, so hyped by Gruden that after Griffin fumbled, Gruden spoke of it as the most fantastic, fabulous fumble ever seen!
But Gruden, among many — too many, and in increasing numbers — is the kind of viewing companion that TV executives know that we prefer. And they must know a lot better than any of us.
And if Gruden, who signed an extension with ESPN, leaves to take an NFL job, ESPN will bring in another guy to do the same thing. The ol’ Tampa Two.
Baseball rights a must win
The negotiation period for Yankee radio rights, starting in 2014, begins this Jan. 1. Even if the Yanks would not remain on WCBS-AM, CBS, with multiple stations, and ESPN are expected to slug it out. And the loser cannot lose the fight for Mets’ radio rights, which, on CBS-owned WFAN, expire this October.
* It’s unlikely ESPN would be inclined to do such a thing, but during tomorrow’s Heisman presentation show, it could perfectly demonstrate how perfectly stupid it gets. It could present a reel of ESPN experts expounding on the Heisman, from early September through the first week in October.
In early October, WVU was 5-0, and, led by QB Geno Smith, had scored, in order, 69 points, 42, 31, 70 and 48. On Heisman hype-happy ESPN, some had already declared Smith the Heisman winner — by a landslide.
But then WVU lost five straight. By mid-November, Smith was no longer even mentioned as a contender.
* It’s all such a giant, continuing con.
NC State-UConn, Tuesday in The Garden — as per ESPN’s orders — tipped at the new, anything-for-TV time of 10 p.m. Yeah, student-athletics.
UConn, currently sanctioned for their atrocious academic record, has, in less than a month, played a 10 p.m. game, three games in the Virgin Islands and one in Germany.
St. John’s on Saturday flew to California to play Tuesday night, its now-annual game against the University of San Francisco — losing at least three school days to play one game, 3,000 miles from campus. St. John’s plays both USFs — San Francisco and South Florida.
Sunday, the Red Storm posed for pictures while helping to feed the Bay Area’s needy. Nice. But, speaking of storms, couldn’t they find any needy folks around here?
* Saw it again, Monday. Why did the Giants’ offense — or any NFL team’s offense or defense in any game — bother to run out to take the field when the Redskins punted after the game’s first possession? Everyone by now knows that TV commercials come next. The players run out then stand around.
* Arc de triomphe? Knicks took 92 shots Wednesday in Charlotte, 41 of them 3-pointers.