First quiz of the new semester: Which TV network stands out as the one that doesn’t scour the stands to find shirtless, face-painted bozos and/or fans holding signs that include the network’s initials?
Correct! None of them! They all do the same tired, silly and even stupid things. Not one tries to distinguish itself as the one that does it better, smarter — or at least gives it a shot. And no bad idea is unworthy of duplication, perpetuation.
Ever say or think anything close to this: “We wouldn’t have to see, hear or read something that ridiculous if we were watching Fill-In-The-Blank?” Of course not.
Next question: Which network stands out as the one that will not allow its analysts to become endless speechmakers and insufferable for their inability to let a few pictures speak for themselves?
Right, again! Not one. That Mike Mayock would not, could not clam up for even a second throughout Saturday’s Bengals-Texans game has never prevented his advancement, which now includes national telecasts on both NBC and NFL Network.
Two dropped passes in the first few minutes led to three Mayock lectures on the easy and self-evident: “You’ve gotta catch that football,” followed by the importance of catching that football, and why it’s equally important not to drop that football.
In the second quarter, Matt Schaub badly and weakly underthrew a short sideline pass that was easily caught by defensive back Leon Hall and as easily returned for a touchdown.
Mayock nearly fainted.
“Look at that; that’s beautiful!” Apparently, his “You’ve gotta catch that football” lecture was on hold.
Which network disallows its commentators to use the latest faux-hip, copycat expressions unless they genuinely apply to circumstances?
Saturday on CBS, Purdue’s women’s basketball team led Nebraska’s, 2-0, with 17:31 left in first half. (Warning: Cease holding or drinking from containers containing hot fluids.) Analyst Debbie Antonelli was then moved to say: “Nebraska’s not in sync, offensively, but it’s still a one-possession game.”
With 4:17 left in the game, the Bengals, down six, third-and-six at their own 40, called time. Given such circumstances, it was a prudent moment to call their first timeout of the half.
But on NBC both Dan Hicks and Mayock characterized the decision as Cincy having just “burned” a timeout, as if wasting one as opposed to wisely taking one. Mayock, even after the Bengals made a first down, knocked it as a “burned timeout.”
But “burning a timeout” has, on all networks, become “the slick” for all timeouts.
Which national network knows enough to apply significant context to statistics?
On Friday, Fox’s Cotton Bowl pregame included analyst Joey Harrington noting Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops is knocked despite “averaging 10.6 wins per season. Guess how many Bear Bryant averaged? Nine.”
Well, done, Joey! But Bryant coached two to three fewer games per season! Neither host Erin Andrews nor analyst Eddie George were willing — or able — to make that point.
Which network refuses to reward and encourage self-smitten demonstrations within team games? On Saturday, NBC, on consecutive plays, showed Texans’ tacklers in immodest celebrations — in slow motion! (A Fox original.)
Which network distinguishes itself for its discriminant use of statistics, both in content and the timing of their appearances?
ESPN’s Robert Flores reported that Ole Mississippi’s bowl win allowed the Rebs to “finish over .500 for the first time since 2009 [into 2010].” Three seasons!
On CBS, UConn’s women led Notre Dame’s, 72-71, 1:47 left and the ball in play — pay full attention time — when up popped a graphic: “N. Achonwa, 8th double-double of the season (leads Big East).”
During the Cotton Bowl, Fox’s Charles Davis on Texas A&M’s Johnny Manziel’s passing: “Deeper balls is where he struggles, less than 40 percent, way down the field. But intermediate passes, he’s over 70 percent.”
Fascinating. The Heisman winner is no different than all other quarterbacks!
So how’d ya do? Y’all got the same grade, right? We’re forced to suffer such indistinguishably bad TV as all networks are driven to present it.
Great athlete forgotten
Someday, Milt Campbell, born and raised in Plainfield, N.J., might receive a fraction of the recognition he deserved when he was alive. But that’s unlikely.
Campbell died on Nov. 2. On Nov. 5 he was eulogized here as the finest forgotten athlete in the nation’s history.
As a high school kid he qualified for the 1952 U.S. Olympic decathlon team — competing in only his second decathlon. He then finished second, to Bob Mathias, in the Olympics in Helsinki. He won the gold at Melbourne, in 1956, Rafer Johnson winning silver.
Campbell’s 1956 gold might have been a huge story, here, had an agreement to televise portions of those Olympics to the U.S. not fallen apart. The 1960 Rome Games became the first big TV Olympics. Johnson won the decathlon and became a national hero.
Still, in 1957, Campbell, also a championship swimmer, was starting in the Browns’ backfield with Jim Brown. Campbell, a black man, years ago told me team ownership wanted him out because he had married a white woman. He then played in the CFL until 1964.
A section within Dec. 31’s Sports Illustrated noted the 2012 deaths of 50 sports notables, including poker-playing Amarillo Slim. Milt Campbell’s name did not appear.
* The NFL is full of it.
Over the weekend, coinciding with the NFL’s and its TV partners’ sweet, sentimental, dishonestly selective send-off to Ray Lewis — an atavistic, remorseless headhunter, lead concussionist, obstruction of justice-pleader, settlement-payer in an unsolved double murder and NFL-chosen commercial spokesman for NFL-licensees — the NFL introduced its latest safety-first TV image spot.
And it was in Green Bay where Roger Goodell told ticket-holders that, “It’s all about the fans.” To prove it, on Saturday, Houston, in a retractable dome, was the indoor site of the early game; Green Bay was the outdoor site of the primetime game. Because it’s all about the TV money.
* Phil Simms, as heard during CBS’s Colts-Ravens, yesterday, remains the only NFL analyst who regularly uses replays to correct himself rather than to affirm his original, wrong call. … John Sterling voicing TV spots for Steiner Collectibles. Perfect! … NCAA Builds Character Game of the Week: In its 135-41 win over Dillard (La.), Thursday, Southern Miss took 36 three-pointers. … Tough watching the weekend’s NFL games without fantasy league stats rolling along the bottom, wasn’t it?