My theatrical consulting business is taking off faster than even I could have imagined!
At the rate I’m going, I’ll soon be floating stock on the NASDAQ exchange. I haven’t settled on a name for my firm yet, but I’m leaning toward Bialystock & Bloom & Riedel.
My first triumph — one destined to be studied at the Yale School of Drama for years to come — was to persuade director Rob Ashford to cut Ghost Skipper and the Great American Songbook from his revival of “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” starring a raspy-voiced Scarlett Johansson.
(I heard her in a scene from “Cat” on NPR yesterday. For a minute, I thought Harvey Fierstein was playing Maggie.)
I know Rob’s grateful for my advice, but I’m surprised he didn’t invite me to last night’s opening at the Richard Rodgers. In fact, when I inquired about attending, the line went dead.
Oh, well. I don’t need the recognition. It really is Rob’s production. And after this morning’s reviews, he’s welcome to all the credit!
My next gig was on “Lucky Guy,” the new Nora Ephron play starring Tom Hanks as newspaper columnist Mike McAlary. I reported that the show isn’t selling as well as it should be, and pointed out that the marquee art was dreary and that the front of the Broadhurst Theatre didn’t “pop” with the news that Tom Hanks is on Broadway.
Lo and behold, I was walking down 44th Street the other day and what did I see? A new marquee! This one features a big photo of Hanks next to a picture of a gleaming Empire State Building. The title of the play is now in eye-catching red letters.
I ran into Colin Callendar, the lead producer, the other night at a cocktail party. He thanked me for my advice and said he’s busy raising my consulting fee — $250 an hour, the price of a premium seat to “Lucky Guy” — from his investors.
I told him — and this I offered free of charge — that he might want to spray paint a black moustache on Hanks’ picture, since McAlary was famous for his moustache. He countered that the public isn’t used to seeing pictures of a moustachioed Tom Hanks. He assured me, however, that Hanks will sport a moustache onstage.
Now that I’m on a roll, my next assignment is to help out Alec Baldwin. He’s starring in a revival of “Orphans” this spring at the Schoenfeld, and from what I’m hearing, tickets are selling about as well as they did for Kathie Lee Gifford’s “Scandalous.”
Hanks has about $4 million in the bank, Alec about $4.
OK, Alec — let’s start with your logo.
Two cans of tuna fish?
What are you selling? A Broadway play or Chicken of the Sea?
Who’s your co-star? Charlie the Tuna?
I’m told that the tuna was, in fact, Alec’s idea. The story goes that he was at an ad meeting and said, “They eat tuna fish in the play. Why don’t we use a couple of cans of tuna?”
Now, Alec, you’re a great actor. And you’re one of New York’s larger-than-life characters. But LeRoy Neiman you’re not.
My advice: Drop the Bumble Bee tuna cans and use a picture of yourself and your co-star, Shia LeBeouf, looking menacing.
And to gin up some headlines, why don’t you and Shia get into a fight backstage?
This is what we expect from a couple of old brawlers like you two.
I remember when you punched a hole in the wall backstage at “Entertaining Mr. Sloane” because the air conditioning wasn’t cold enough.
And Shia’s got quite a nice little reputation for barroom brawling and drunken driving.
So knock each other around and — this is key — leak the news to me. Headlines equal ticket sales.
That’ll be $250, thank you very much!