I just hired a virtual pimp.
That’s right – dating in New York has become such a
soul-numbing chore that I’m outsourcing my love life to
India.
Sure, most people hire virtual assistants for tasks like
booking flights or scheduling orthodontics (just this
past year, according to the International Virtual
Assistants Association, membership is up 35 percent),
but I’m hiring one for what I really need help with:
finding love.
It’s Bridget Jones meets Bill Gates. “Sex and the City”
meets “Short Circuit 2.”
In the spirit of “The 4-Hour Workweek” (“The 4-Hour
Dateweek,” anyone?), I hire teams from GetFriday.com,
AskSunday.com and TasksEveryday.com, all based in India.
Their mission? Identify eligible bachelors, compile
extensive romantic research and find my soul mate. By
the close of business Friday.
Within hours, I have everything from a spreadsheet on
flirtatious conversation starters (“Do you have any
raisins? How about a date?”) to a cost-benefit analysis
of sex on a first date. (“After going through the data,”
explains one assistant, “I see it as a 50-50 ratio, so
there is no clear answer if it’s advisable or not.”)
Guess I’ll hire someone to flip a coin.
My favorite designated hustler is Suresh Kumar, an
assistant from GetFriday. He lives in Bangalore. He vows
to be at my beck and call. He has a pencil-thin
moustache.
I think I’m in love.
“What are your requirements for a partner?” he asks.
“Um, awesomeness?” I stammer.
“Not a problem,” he says. “I can read what’s in your
mind. I can find a perfect match with you.”
We’ve known each other for three minutes.
I ask Suresh if he’s familiar with the kind of men
American ladies like. He assures me he’s watched an
episode of “the very popular and best ever television
program, ‘Friends.’ ”
Sold – I hand over my password.
And he’s off. In the last month, I’ve accessed my
Chemsitry.com account twice. Within hours, Suresh has
harvested a dozen potential mates for me.
Bachelor No. 1 is Jeff, a 35-year-old consultant from
Brooklyn. Suresh insists that Jeff is perfect because
“he has never had a relationship before!!”
I give Suresh carte blanche to respond to suitors
however he guesses I would.
Jeff: “What are your guilty pleasures?” Suresh writes:
“I don’t feel guilty about anything, pleasurable or not.
But I do get an unexpected pleasure rather than a guilty
one out of ‘America’s Next Top Model.’ ”
Jeff: “What made you smile today?” Suresh writes:
“Waking up everyday know I’m still alive and still
young! Every day usually is for me!!!!”
Suresh signs off: “Awaiting for your reply!!!!!”
Somewhere, a tween is crying because the world just ran
out of exclamation points.
But, who cares?!!!! My virtual assistant is now my
virtual BFF. Before the date, I agonize over my outfit
and instant-message Suresh, who submits an illustrated
report on sensual clothing options. And Jeff turns out
to be TV-star handsome, seriously funny and, best of
all, proficient in traditional English sentence
structure. When I confess about the other “men” in my
life, he’s intrigued enough to ask me out again.
Maybe having a dating attachi makes me seem
elusive and exotic, like James Bond – or a call girl.
Emboldened, I commission Suresh to write Jeff a casual
thank-you.
“My everlasting dream came true when the day broke just
to meet you,” Suresh writes. “Every woman born out of
the elbow of her man, I think I am from yours.”
A few hours before our second date, Jeff suddenly has to
go out of town. For several weeks.
Maybe Suresh and I were looking under the wrong elbow.
He refuses to surrender, setting his sights on another
prospect, also named Jeff. I ask my team of assistants
to plan a romantic evening for us. Abhilash proposes a
boat ride in Central Park or “eating a messy meal, like
spaghetti, without utensils.”
As I walk breezily toward the Central Park lagoon, I
realize what a changed woman I’ve become.
My dating life is now entirely out of my hands. I no
longer feel awkward around guys I’ve never met because
Suresh has taken my awkwardness to a whole new level.
And it’s kind of amazing.
My date, Jeff No. 2, approaches, carrying elegant white
lilies.
I think about my dating spreadsheet and consider
flipping a coin when it hits me. Suresh – 8,000 miles
and three grammar zones away- intuitively understands
how to pick New York men better than I do.
So Jeffs, if you’re reading, Suresh is wondering: Would
you like to go out with me again?
Awaiting for your reply!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!