Sports

Glib grid gabbers sound incomplete

The TV job you want — the dream job, the greatest on Earth — is that of “name” analyst. You can say anything at any time and never be held accountable for a word of it, certainly not by your bosses, who either don’t know whether you’re any good or wouldn’t care, either way.

And the perks! You can endorse weight-loss products and potato chips — “Now, with extra lard!” — at the same time!

Prior to the kick of Wisconsin-Michigan on ESPN on Saturday, studio analyst Lou Holtz was asked the weekly question, “Who should we keep an eye on today?”

Holtz said Tate Forcier, the Michigan quarterback who started last season but this year lost out to Denard Robinson. The week before, Forcier played a bit in a win against unusually weak Purdue.

Did Holtz know that Forcier was going to start? Or even play? Did he have inside info? He didn’t say.

But if you took Holtz’s pre-game advice to keep an eye on Forcier, you had to wait for sideline shots. He didn’t play until Wisconsin led, 48-28, with 2:36 left.

At halftime, when ESPN returned to the studio, Holtz might have explained or even poked fun at himself. But he never mentioned his pre-game tout, as if he never said it or we didn’t hear it.

But Holtz has operated similarly since 2005, when hired by ESPN.

He’s hardly alone. Next up on ABC/ESPN was Ohio State-Iowa, another extended session for Matt Millen to make omniscient, “Now hear this!” speeches.

In the second quarter, Millen on Ohio State’s quarterback: “Terrelle Pryor has one quality that sets him apart from everybody else. He has phenomenal balance. It’s really hard to knock him off his feet.”

It wouldn’t have been enough to say that Pryor is very tough to tackle? No, he has the best balance of anyone in the game!

A bit later, when Iowa quarterback Ricky Stanzi threw a soft pass to running back Adam Robinson resulting in Robinson being walloped, Millen suggested that the soft pass was thrown to allow OSU to wallop him, “to say, ‘Hey, Adam, wake up.’ ”

Even if Millen were being sarcastic — play-by-player Sean McDonough didn’t seem to think so — Millen apparently didn’t know that Robinson two weeks earlier sat out with a concussion.

But even guys who know everything can’t know everything. Greatest job on Earth.

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Although “maligned” means to injure with evil intent — often with untrue statements — the conditioned sports media can’t help but use the expression “much-maligned” when applied to clear and present truths.

Early in the Wisconsin-Michigan game, ESPN’s Dave Pasch said, “Michigan’s defense has been much-maligned this year. They’re 100th in the country in total defense.”

So then its defense hasn’t even been maligned, let alone much-maligned, has it?

Later, Pasch said, “It’s amazing how bad Michigan is on defense.” Nurse!

Kay, Francesa up to old tix tricks

EVEN in the offseason Michael Kay and Mike Francesa should stop the haughty rationalizing of ticket prices in new Yankee Stadium. If they think that thousands of tickets at $300-$2,500 per seat per game are logically priced — as opposed to an attempt to gouge — then just say so.

For years, on Yankees radio and then TV, Kay would jump up and down: “Another sellout in Yankee Stadium!”

Now, two years into the new, smaller-capacity Stadium, Kay, an accomplished 180-degree YES-man, uses ESPN 1050 to mock those who would make an issue over all those can’t-miss-’em, empty good seats, many rows deep.

Incidentally, the funniest phone call of the week came from a fellow who complained to Francesa about conditions in the upper deck of PSL Stadium. Francesa had no idea what he was talking about.

The caller was the last to know that Front Row Francesa would never be caught even looking at an upper deck. Upper decks are beneath him.

Vick gets a ‘pass’

COUNT ESPN 1050’s Brandon Tierney and CBS’s Shannon Sharpe among those who figure that Michael Vick‘s fantastic play is enough to forgive and forget everything.

Wonder if these folks ever saw a dogfight, or what happens to the losers, and even some winners?

Had Vick “paid his debt to society” — and he did — but returned to the NFL and bombed, who would be applauding him, declaring him a changed man, a redeemed soul?

How well Vick plays football shouldn’t be at issue, but it seems to be the decisive one.

Nets-Kings as good TV? YES, it was!

Nets announcers Marv Albert and Mike Fratello did the impossible, late Friday night on YES. They made Nets at Sacramento interesting, even entertaining.

For example, Fratello’s scold of the Kings as a team that fouls “as if everyone [on the other team] is going to make every shot” was dead-on. In their previous game, a loss at home to the Knicks, the Kings committed 27 fouls, the Knicks 17; the Kings took 26 free throws, the Knicks 39.

Albert and Fratello, at midnight, proved that tough-to-watch TV can be salvaged by what amounts to good radio.

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In addition to CBS’s Dan Dierdorf delivering the standard lecture on idi ots who run on the field, during the third quarter of the Jets- Texans game yesterday — couldn’t he at least have hinted as to what the entire Jets’ sideline, coaches included, was seen laughing at?

If the last three Jets games weren’t exciting enough to sell the remaining PSLs, well then, Woody, they’re just priced too damned high. Meanwhile, now it’s an extra shame that so many long-suffering but devoted Jets patrons this season were priced out.

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Did the Islanders think that revoking the credentials of credible journalist Chris Botta would reflect well on the team? They’ve drawn more tell-tale scorn than if they’d ignored him. Brilliant.

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That second-round left that lefty middleweight Sergio Martinez knocked out Paul Williams with on HBO on Saturday night came through the TV, passed through the wall, rattled the coffee cups.