Here it is, football fans: The Hondo Thanksgiving Extravaganza – 16 meaty servings with all the tasty trimmings and just desserts, and, as usual, it’s all sparsely garnished with roughly five winners.
Lions over Packers: Gobble up those points. Mr. Rodgers isn’t likely to be in the neighborhood, so it should be a no-sweater for the Lions.
Cowboys over Raiders: Skip to the next game if you don’t want to spoil a couple of Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade surprises. Hondo hears that, weather permitting, Chris Christie intends to float across the Hudson to make a cameo. Not only that, but word is a typical Macy’s scene will unfold high above Fifth Avenue when Dick Tracy frisks Fat Albert.
Steelers over Ravens: In other parade news, sources say next year, under Mayor de Blasio, there will be a coup staged with balloons of Lenin, Marx, Castro, Ortega and Guevara taking over the parade route by puncturing the balloons of those capitalist pawns Snoopy, SpongeBob and Spiderman, et al.
Jets over Dolphins: Rex Ryan announced he is sticking with Geno Smith at QB because “he gives us the best chance to win.” In all their lives, Matt Simms and David Garrard have never been so insulted.
Giants over Redskins: Any guarantees this week, fellas? The way RG3 and friends are playing, this was the game the Big Blue big mouths should have bloviated about. Then again, it is Dave “3-8-1” Blezow’s Lock of the Week, so the yellow caution flag is flying. From BarkingMut of Sobe: After hearing that Justin Tuck tweeted pictures of his two Super Bowl rings after the Giants’ loss to the Cowboys, Anthony Weiner, not to be outdone, said he plans to tweet out photos of his own family jewels.
Titans over Colts: The de Blasios reportedly will decide during Thanksgiving whether to maintain their current residence in Brooklyn or move into Gracie Mansion. The decision will come after they gather around the dinner table and, as is their custom, slurp up some borscht and offer a special thanks to their favorite communist.
Jaguars over Browns: MSNBC pulled the plug on Alec Baldwin’s “Up Late” Tuesday. However, that doesn’t mean he won’t be on TV — he still will be starring in the Capital One Bank ads. Evidently, it takes a little more than making gay and racist slurs, physically and verbally attacking photographers and reporters, verbally abusing a coffee clerk, getting kicked off an airplane for belligerent behavior, and trashing his 11-year-old daughter on a voicemail for execs to replace the face of Capital One.
Bucs over Panthers: John “The Dirtbag” Edwards reared his wellcoiffed head and announced he has opened a law firm called “Edwards Kirby,” which he says will “stand up for the disenfranchised.” It’s about time somebody had the backs of the poor souls sent to society’s scrap heap just because, for example, they ran around on their cancer-stricken wives.
Vikings over Bears: Is it all sorted out yet, or is everyone going to be subjected to another 50 years of debate and hand-wringing about whether the NFL should have played on the Sunday after JFK’s assassination? Tune in next year and every year thereafter.
Eagles over Cardinals: Don Reed emails this offering from an anonymous post on a website: “I’m starting to think the Osama raid was just a bungled attempt to sign him up for ObamaCare.”
Patriots over Texans: Let’s see, the Texans have lost 9 in a row, while the 8-3 Patriots just knocked off the team with the best record in the AFC with a 24-point comeback that included the arrogant Genius in the Hoodie giving the ball to Peyton Manning at the start of overtime. And you only have to give seven points. There’s no need to pray for Tommy against a team that doesn’t have a prayer.
Bills over Falcons: With the game in Toronto, mayor Rob Ford has been working with Buffalo on finding a crack in the Falcons’ defense. If you are wondering how Ford would celebrate Thanksgiving if he wasn’t Canadian, Hondo is guessing it would go like this: Get up at the crack of dawn, invite his crack staff over, crack open some cold ones and then maybe fire up the crack pipe.
49ers over Rams: Joe Biden reportedly bought four sandwiches at a deli last week but came up short and had to take a $10 loan from an aide to pay for them. That’s a typical ’Crat move: Buy what you can’t afford and borrow to pay for it. The ’Crats are facing a tough presidential primary choice when Hillary Clinton and Biden square off for 2016. They have to decide whether they want the first woman president or the first Gaffe Machine president.
Chiefs over Broncos: Hondo fully expects Peyton Manning, who never hit the ground in the Broncos’ first tussle with the Chiefs, to put in some serious turf time in the rematch. If not, this won’t be one of Mr. Aitch’s five winners.
Bengals over Chargers: Obama is taking a bipartisan beating for his deal with Iran. However, the President doesn’t understand what the big deal is, pointing out that before signing off on the agreement, he cleared everything with Putin.
Saints over Seahawks: Emailer Donny Mac on the poor Syrian rebel who mistakenly was decapitated by al Qaeda: He knew he was in trouble when Obama told him: “If you like your head, you can keep your head. Period.”
BEST BETS: Patriots, Chiefs, Bengals.
Happy Thanksgiving to all in HondoNation.