Biological researcher Dianne Cox, 50, and elementary school teacher Michael Cammer, 42, have been together 17 years, but have never married. She’s not alone — 40% of the births in 2007 were to unwed mothers, and many were neither poor nor young. Dianne, who lives in New Rochelle, NY, with Michael and their daughters, Natasha, 11, and Rachel, 13, explains why not being a wife is so important to her.
Ever since I was young I knew I wanted children, but that didn’t necessarily mean marriage. I was never one of those girls who fantasized about a big wedding and as I grew up and started dating, I realized that marriage wasn’t for me. I’m not religious, so a religious ceremony would be hypocritical. As for a civil ceremony, why do I need the validation of the state or the government to recognize my right to be with whomever I choose?
I met Michael in 1992. I was a student and he was an associate at the university where I studied. We dated for a year before we moved together. I had never lived with a boyfriend before so making the decision to live together wasn’t a casual thing — it was a serious commitment for me. But even when we eventually decided to have children, I never wanted to get married.
People are often surprised to find out that it’s me and not Michael who doesn’t want a wedding. Friends have said to me over the years “oh, you should make him do it.” Michael didn’t care too much either way, but he wasn’t opposed to having a civil ceremony. I was, and some people have accused me of being afraid of commitment.
In fact, I think my commitment is actually deeper than someone who has a legal contract certifying her relationship. Michael and I work at our relationship because we want to be together, not because there’s a legal contract that makes it hard for us to leave each other.
People are often surprised that we’re not married because we appear to be so conventional. We have two kids, a minivan, a house. Our kids play sports, we take them to Disney World — we seem like a typical American family.
There are monetary downsides to being unmarried, like missing out on tax breaks and not being able to share health insurance. In 2000, I was transferring from one university to another and my health insurance was changing over. Michael’s employer did not recognize domestic partnerships. That was the closest we ever got to getting married. We went so far as to design a pseudo-wedding invitation that said something about how we were finally “caving to society’s pressure.” We trekked down to City Hall. But when I got there, I had a panic attack. I felt like I was being pressured into doing something I didn’t believe in. I thought, “what is the price of my moral principles?” For me, it wasn’t worth it and not getting married was the right decision for me. I usually introduce Michael as my partner or as “the love of my life” and I tend to correct people if they refer to him as my husband, because I feel like not correcting them implies that there’s something wrong with our situation that we’re trying to hide. We have nothing to hide.
I think it’s great more people are choosing not to get married — it means it’s becoming more acceptable for people to live the life they choose. Michael and I are together and committed. We have two children together, a life and a family. How do you get more committed than that?
— As told to Annie Karni