Entertainment

Ellen? I give up on ‘Idol’

Making Ellen the new judge on “American Idol” is like putting a tutu on the gorilla in your living room and expecting it to start doing grand jetés.

In other words, “AI” can’t hide the fact that the show lost its heart when it lost Paula, and lost its soul when they hired Kara.

Last season was a slow slide into the shark tank, and bringing in over-exposed Ellen may not stop it.

The truth is, losing Paula was a huge blow and one that wasn’t necessary. Hiring anybody else, no matter how popular and quirky and clever, is not going to fix that.

Sure, ultimately it came down to a money thing with Abdul. But after Kara, who Paula mentored, got the fourth seat, it really became a respect thing. In fact, last season, at one point the others actually forgot Paula one night and almost skipped right over her by mistake.

Hint: If you get no respect for helping to turn a summer show into the biggest thing on TV in a generation, at least you get paid for it. And she didn’t.

Hiring a ’90s fading star like Victoria Beckham or Shania Twain (which Paula had become by the time she got the gig on “AI”) — or even a current popster like Katy Perry — to replace Abdul, as had been speculated, just wouldn’t have worked. That would have been like becoming the new girlfriend who can never compare to the perfect ex who got away.

Ellen, on the other hand, doesn’t come from the world of music, so comparing her to Paula almost isn’t valid. Which means that bringing her on board, at least at first glance, is a terrific, foolproof idea.

She’s funny, she’s articulate and, hey, she likes to dance. Yeah, well, so do I, but it doesn’t make me a singing judge.

And therein lies the problem. Ellen is obviously there for the entertainment value, not to judge the music from a professional point of view.

One thing’s for sure: hiring Ellen destroys any fantasy we fans harbor that this is a show about music and not really about the agony of defeat/thrill of victory scenarios they offer up — mixed with the heartbreaking back stories. I mean, how many “AI” albums have you downloaded?

How will she do? She’ll be fine — but she’s just never going to show up in those fantastical dresses or astounding hairdos that we couldn’t wait to see each week on Paula.

Ellen might come out the first night for laughs in some Paula-like outfit with a wig, but that would only make me miss the real thing even more.