Had someone shouted “Is there a doctor in the house!” a few days ago at “Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark,” it would have been because yet another actor had broken something.
But safety inspectors have OK’d the flying and, with three previews under its belt, the $65 million, special-effects-driven musical appears to be relatively glitch-free.
But “Spider-Man” still needs a doctor — a show doctor.
As any musical-theater fan knows, the script, by director Julie Taymor and someone called Glen Berger, is a shambles. Some investors fret that all the special effects in the world can’t mask an incoherent plot, lame jokes and dull characters. As a result, production sources say, backers are starting to press lead producer Michael Cohl to bring in a seasoned Broadway hand to help sort out the mess.
The go-to guy for a show like “Spider-Man” is Jerry Zaks. He’s highly skilled at polishing a flop without sacrificing any of its fundamental awfulness, as he did on “The Addams Family,” “The Capeman” and the upcoming “Sister Act.”
But Zaks is a director, and there’s no way Taymor’s going to let him anywhere near “Spider-Man.”
And so, if there is a doctor in the house, it’ll have to be a writer.
One name being floated is David Henry Hwang, who fixed up the book to Disney’s “Aida.” He’s close to the powers-that-be at Disney Theatrical, and they’re hovering around the show because Disney recently acquired Marvel Entertainment, which owns the Spider-Man character.
Others mentioned include John Logan, who writes stage plays (“Red”) as well as epic movies (“Gladiator”), and Winnie Holzman, who wrote “Wicked.”
I’d throw in Theresa Rebeck, who works fast and could probably make some sense out of Taymor’s beloved but bizarre alter ego, Arachne, the female spider who bites Peter Parker and then seduces him.
These writers haven’t been approached by the production, I hasten to add. They’re simply being whispered about by people worried about the show.
Their concern is that Taymor has her hands full directing and doesn’t have time to rewrite.
Nobody thinks Berger’s up to the job. The guy’s biggest credit is a play that 14 people saw, “Underneath the Lintel.” On “Spider-Man,” he’s basically another one of Taymor’s puppets.
Persuading Taymor to let another writer at her script won’t be easy, production sources say.
“That really is the issue,” says a source. “Getting her to admit the book has problems isn’t easy.”
There’s probably not a whole lot a new writer could do. The show is encased in a gargantuan production. Just cutting a number from something this size can take a week, theater sources say — and opening night is a little more than a month away.
Seemingly obvious changes — such as jettisoning the annoying “geek chorus” of comic-book nerds — turn out not be so easy to make. Sources say the chorus marks time while the set is being changed for the next scene.
But a new writer could sharpen the dialogue and punch up the humor. “At most, it’s a polishing job,” a veteran producer says.
As for the score, it’s unlikely to change at all because Bono and The Edge are on tour in Australia until January, though I suppose they could crank out a new tune or two and e-mail it in, as Elton John does.
Some insiders who’ve seen the show say the only way to save it is to ratchet up the special effects and sell it as a Cirque du Soleil-type spectacle, rather than a Broadway musical.
“The actors should fly a lot more,” says a playwright, “preferably in the nude.”