Food & Drink

Dry wit: Let the wine labels speak for you this Valentine’s Day

Forget message in a bottle — try a message on a bottle!

While trolling the stores for Valentine’s Day vino, we came across an abundance of hilariously pithy wine labels to help express your true desires for this holiday.

Face it, some things are too awkward to say. Are you looking for a third in the sack? Do you want some time alone? Or is it finally time to kick your lover to the curb? Just present the bottle, and take a deep breath.

These wines may not knock your socks off, but at least they’ll get the point. Here are our faves:

Let’s shake it up in the sack

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Ménage a Trois: Here’s hoping your threesome comes together! This 2011 zinfandel merlot cabernet-sauvignon (blend of three grapes) is surprisingly delicious. We’d even drink it if we weren’t begging for a friend to join in. Price: $10.

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Twisted: We don’t know what’s happening in this 2012 California pinot grigio’s orgy of mismatched flavors. It’s definitely an experience you’ve never had — and may never want again. Price: $12.99.

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Wild Horse: Giddy up! This 2011 Central Coast, Calif. chardonnay will give you a really good gallup — but unfortunately it bucks you at the finish. Price: $13.

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Como Loco: You’d be, like, crazy to actually drink this 2012 Spanish jumilla. Price: $7.99.

Gnarly Head: You won’t mind putting this in your mouth on Valentine’s Day. This 2012 Old Vine Zin from California is surprising easy to swallow with its “juicy flavors of ripe blueberry and plum with a hint of spice.” The vineyard even recommends pairing it with a great meat. (rimshot) Price: $6.99.

It doesn’t have to be kinky. I just want some action

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Simply Naked: This 2011 California chardonnay gives you just what you need — a little alcohol, a little body and just the right amount of stimulation. Price: $8.50.

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Undone: To put this 2008 wine in bedroom terms, you’ve dimmed the lights and set the music, but the whole experience unravels when the clothes come off and it’s scarier than you were expecting. This unoaked German pinot noir should stay un-corked. Price: $10.95.

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Goose Bump: The 2011 ‘velvety” Sicilian red provides such a rush of artificial sweetener that your hair will stand on end. Maybe you’ll want to get your thrills some other way. Price: $9

I hate you — but I can’t get the words out

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Bitch: Much like your lady, this devious 2008 Australian grenache is alluring sweet at first but then you’re left wondering what the hell you’ve gotten yourself into. It’s mouthy and combative and the bitterness lasts for hours. Price: $10

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Fat Bastard: Funny, the initial nose on this 2012 French shiraz reminds us of gym socks, just like your mouth-breathing mate. A lot of sweat went into this wine — and clearly some of it dripped into the bottle. Price: $10.

I’m having an affair – or I’m thinking about having one. I just wanted to get that off my chest!

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

The Other: You can get one for your wife — and one for your mistress! But this 2011 cabernet sauvignon merlot syrah is as offensively bitter as your better half will be when she finds out your cheating. Price: $16.99

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Temptation: This 2010 california zinfandel is trouble from the start with its sensuous aroma and mouth feel but it shouldn’t be enough to lure you away. You should look for something deeper. Price: $12.

Hey, hon, the kids are driving me bananas. I can’t take it anymore

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Dad’s Day Off: If you ever do get the cork out of this 2009 Italian pinot noir, the nose will remind you of dad after a couple of days off:. It’s like a pit stain on the tongue. Price: $10

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Mommy’s Time Out: Mommy’s gonna need a really long time out to survive the hangover from this 2011 Italian pinot grigio. Your senses will have to be so dulled from changing diapers not to notice the cleaning-product smell. Price: $7.

I’m thinking we should get hitched. I hope you don’t throw up

Tamara Beckwith/NY Post

Picket Fence: Much like your soulmate, this 2010 cabernet savignon from Alexander Valley, Calif., is a keeper (but maybe just because it’s cheap and dirty.) Price: $15.