I envy you. There you’ll be Sunday night all tucked safe into your bed, screaming in terror and retching in disgust at the midseason return of “The Walking Dead.”
I know that you might think that I’m are the luckiest person in the world because I’ve already seen the first new episode in two months. But hell (literally), I wish I could watch it for the first time again. It’s that good.
Somehow in this world of the living dead where the only people who get killed off are the real-life show runners who are responsible for the series — ”The Walking Dead” remains top notch.
And I’m thrilled to report that Sunday night’s premiere is as shocking, repulsive, revolting, heart-breaking, miserable, nasty, filthy, inhumane and inhumanly nauseating — as it’s always been.
Without giving anything away, when we left off a big, disturbing bastard, — a k a the Governor (David Morrissey) — had faced off against (well, actually hid from) Rick (Andrew Lincoln) and Co.
When the fighting subsided, Gov. Bastard gathered the citizenry together in Woodbury’s town square to watch brothers Daryl and Merle (Norman Reedus and Michael Rooker) pitted against one another gladiator-style.
When the show returns, Daryl and Merle are ordered to fight to the death — with the winner going free. Will Daryl abandon his new family for his true family?
I can’t tell you but I will tell you this: I love Daryl. No, I mean it.
Seriously I love Daryl more even than Carol loves Daryl which, it turns out, does her about as much good as loving her abusive living-dead husband.
Anyway, back at the prison, Tyrese (Chad Coleman) and the new people who’ve tried to move in are being held prisoner until — and if — Rick’s group returns from the war at Woodbury.
Conflicts and conflicted feelings abound — among those who still can feel anything, that is.
It’s brother against brother, extended-family member against extended-family member.
Take Andrea (Laurie Holden), for example, who finds herself fighting her old group to defend Woodbury.
On the upside, Andrea finally gets it that Gov. Bastard is a lunatic, and is forced by default into a leadership role herself.
At long last, she’s had enough with the “please, sir, let me have a gun” routine.
As a matter of fact, turns out that Andrea has a lot more on the ball than the Governor or Rick.
In fact, Rick makes two decisions that so tick me off, that I’m ready to throw his delusional butt out with the walkers. I’m not kidding.
The mysteries continue to, er, plague us such as: What caused the plague? Is there a cure? Why do people now get it even if they haven’t been bitten?
All big questions, but the bigger mysteries for me anyway are these:
Why doesn’t Carol’s hair ever grow?
How come Rick’s hat now fits Carl even though he hasn’t grown either?
Why hasn’t Carl grown by the way?
And, finally, just who died and left Rick the self-appointed king? Oh right, everyone died. Sort of. Don’t miss a second.