Married to the job

When Charly Rok’s alarm clock goes off every Monday morning at 4:30, she — like many other early risers in the city — stumbles out of bed and gets ready for work.

The only catch? Her commute is a bit longer than a subway ride. The TriBeCa resident leaves her apartment at 5 a.m. to head to her job — in Conshohocken, Pa. One subway, Amtrak train and local SEPTA train ride later, the 46-year-old vice president of p.r. for David’s Bridal arrives at her office.

When all is said and done, the journey takes about 3 1/2 hours — so she stays in Pennsylvania until Friday, leaving her husband of 13 years, Jason, back home.

Despite long-distance solutions such as telecommuting, Charly, who accepted the role 18 months ago, says working remotely simply doesn’t compare to being entrenched in the office. “I need to be there to talk, I need to hear, I need to see,” she says. “I get story ideas from the [office] gym and talking to people in the lunchroom. I need to know what each department is doing.”

It’s a challenge, but Charly may be onto something: Coupled with a sluggish economy, the prevalence of long-distance marriages isn’t surprising. Plus, opportunities to truly enjoy one’s work may be slim within constraints of geography; expanding beyond one’s local reach may be a viable option.

“If you love your job, you’ll make it work,” adds Charly. “If you feel fulfilled in your career, I think your relationship is stronger. I really am fortunate.”

Jason agrees: “I’m a big subscriber of ‘happy wife, happy life,’ ” says the 47-year-old hedge funder.

Although the two miss each other, their commuter marriage allows them to focus solely on their careers during the week. Plus, cherishing their independence is just one of the reasons why they were able to make the transition and succeed in the first place.

“I am not saying it is always easy, but we both are independent and want to be successful in our careers and our marriage, so we take the steps to make both portions of our lives thrive, and that gives us great happiness,” Charly says. “I trust Jason implicitly, and we talk and communicate well, so we have been able to make this work.”

Their long-distance union is also made easier by the fact they’re in the same time zone and communicate with daily phone calls, no matter how succinct. “Like any couple, it depends on the day and our schedule,” says Charly. “Sometimes we talk only once or twice; other days it’s numerous times.”

Charly returns to the city every Friday night, when she and Jason usually eat a late dinner together. The couple make the most of their weekends together in New York: Typically they see friends, grocery shop, do charity work or simply read the paper and drink coffee together on Sunday mornings.

Such weekend-centered routines are crucial to making a long-distance marriage work, says Ellen Berman, a family psychiatrist and clinical professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania. “A lot of the relationship gets packed into the weekend. Daily rituals like getting coffee in the morning and talking about your day get altered.”

Berman adds that the success of such “commuter marriages” also depends on other factors, such as the age of the couple, whether it’s a temporary or more permanent situation and, especially, if kids are involved (the Roks don’t have kids): “If it’s a strong marriage to begin with, people will manage,” she says.

And in order to preserve time for intimacy when you are together — and to keep your connection ongoing when you’re commuting — you both need to use your time efficiently, according to Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and author of “The Commuter Marriage: Keep Your Relationship Close While You’re Far Apart.” “You will be more effective and less stressed if you learn to take charge of your personal and family time,” she says.

Such time-management skills are crucial for Philly-based couple Patrick McGrath and his wife, Lilliana Vazquez, who commutes to the city to her job as reporter and host of NBC’s “New York Live” and editor-in-chief of “The CheapChicas Guide to Style.”

For Vazquez, who’s been commuting from Philadelphia to NYC for two years, hotels and schedule vary from week to week, as she reports from a red-carpet event one night or attends an event for her business on another. McGrath’s schedule is also packed — he works full time in commercial real estate in addition to earning his MBA. He attends school every other weekend.

Vazquez, 32, says the one key to thriving with their long-distance marriage is strong organizational skills. Vazquez and McGrath rely on two individual calendars and a Google calendar to sync their schedules, and they use a dry-erase board to mark off responsibilities at home, week by week. They’ve also hired a housekeeper to remove the burden of having to do time-zapping household chores.

“It’s a day by day, month by month process, and there are people in my program that have four kids at home and have it much harder. And I have a very understanding wife,” explains McGrath, 33.

They also have a rule to try not to be away for more than four consecutive nights. On weekends, they enjoy great food and wine, and tend to eat out frequently, although they also love to cook at home.

Finding such downtime together isn’t always easy, but they make it a priority. “We both have co-workers, friends and family we want to spend time with when we finally do get some free time, but we have to remember that time with each other is really important to us both — so we try to put that first,” Vazquez says.

McGrath agrees. “It’s changed how we interact with the rest of the world,” he says. “Our time is so limited. I’m not going to go out with friends on a Friday night when Lilliana’s home.”

Commuter couples like Vazquez and McGrath must also adjust to being a couple after leading independent lives for days on end. When couples reunite, Tessina suggests keeping the spark alive by making eye contact and laughing together, as well as taking time to listen.

“When you live together full time, you can occasionally afford to listen with half an ear, or tune your spouse out,” she says. “But when your time is scarce, listening deeply is the first step toward creating intimacy.”

As for being apart, the author recommends sending a love note via snail mail, leaving little Post-it notes under your spouse’s pillow and making a daily special phone call every day.

For Jill Carlen and her husband, texting and IMs are part of their daily routine. When Carlen landed a dream job this past fall as spa director of the Ritz-Carlton in Toronto, she jumped at the opportunity — even though it meant visiting her spouse every few weeks in The Bronx.

She explains, “Texting has become key — WhatsApp is a free app we use constantly — and we try to let each other know we’re thinking about them.” (WhatsApp Messenger allows users to exchange messages without having to pay for SMS.)

Despite a sunny outlook, couples in commuter marriages endure their share of obstacles, testing even the strongest of unions in areas like trust and fidelity.

“You need to be independent and have a true sense of trust in your partner,” says Charly, discussing how she and Jason make it work.

Infidelity isn’t the only potential pitfall. “The couple will have to deal with loneliness, feeling disconnected, having to make joint decisions at a distance and many more stresses,” notes Tessina.

“It’s really challenging to not have your partner with you for day-to-day decisions. I miss bouncing ideas off of him, and being physically apart is very difficult,” agrees Carlen, 40. “Making a long-distance relationship like this [work] takes extra effort.”

Such effort includes planning their weekends ahead and booking short flights to reunite. And although Toronto may sound far away, Carlen points out that a New York-bound plane ride from Toronto is “less [time] than a commute from Brooklyn or Long Island.”

Although long-distance couples must devote additional effort to their relationship by communicating and planning ahead, it may be worth the career boon in some instances. Even as the economy rebounds, the ideal opportunity may not always right within one’s reach — or, in this case, a typical daily commute.

“I want [Charly] to be happy in all aspects of what she does,” says Jason. “You have to go where the opportunities are, and it’s not always in your backyard.”