Clever birds of a feather flock together! Just in time for April Fool’s Day, The Post rounds up the wittiest one-liners on Twitter.
Carrie Brownstein
Dana Gould, Megan Sass, Jordan Peele
@DanaJGould “The fact that Fred Flintstone ate brontosaurus burgers seems less charming when you realize Dino was also a brontosaurus.”
@Megan_Sass “Who needs a thermometer when you have nipples?”
@JordanPeele “Hillary’s 2016 campaign slogan should be: “Started from the Rodham no we here!”
Todd Barry, Conan O’Brien, EugeneMirman
@toddbarry “Heard a guy *ease* into an Arnold Palmer order: Do you have iced tea? What about lemonade?”
@ConanOBrien “Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she’s overdue?”
@EugeneMirman “If you watch Eminem sing with the sound off, it looks like he’s giving directions to a very hard to find place.
Kumail Nanjiani
@kumailn “If I could talk to 10 yr old me I’d tell him not to let the way others see him define how he sees himself. And also like buy a kale farm.”
Patton Oswalt, Max Silvestri
@pattonoswalt “I was honest about my ability to detect guilt through ‘mind auras’ and the attorneys bar me from jury duty. Our system is broken.”
@maxsilvestri “The Oscars are the Super Bowl of people in sweatpants having opinions about dresses.
Anna Kendrick
John Hodgman, Sarah Silverman, Lavell Crawford
@hodgman “Know everyone HAS to act shocked, but let’s face it: white Torontonians love crack. We have stereotypes because THEY ARE TRUE”
@SarahKSilverman “Why do men fall in love w their nannies & assistants? They’re just subordinates who anticipate their every need ohh.”
@Lavellthacomic “Winter has been so bad I seen snowmen trying to commit suicide”
Julius Sharpe
@juliussharpe “I wonder how long a maternity leave Kate Middleton will take before she goes back to doing nothing.”
Ricky Gervais, Jeff Ross
@rickygervais “ ‘Sorry, I really screwed up when I gave you all foreskins. Remove them ASAP.’ — God”
@realjeffreyross “I hear producers are already working on ’13 Years a Slave’”
John Mulaney, Diablo Cody
@mulaney “Sigh. Woodstock ’99 was a terrible use of this time machine.”
@diablocody “I would love to the s-t out of Billy Joel and then be like ‘You said you didn’t want clever conversation’”
Abbi Crutchfield
Mindy Kaling, Gary Janetti, Kelly Oxford
@mindykaling “If I was blind I could tell who the hot girls in the nail salon were by how boring their stories are.”
@GaryJanetti “Why don’t psychics have nicer stuff?”
@kellyoxford “Someone, please put a maraschino cherry on top of Shirley Temple’s casket.”
Mark Normand
@marknorm “It’s a weird moment when you’re complaining about pretty girls and an unattractive gal says “yeah, we’re the worst’”
Shauna Renee, Alex Baze
@goldengateblond “’Even, I can’t’— Millennial Yoda”
@bazecraze “I feel like every office has 3 people who do all the work and 15 people who just walk around with salads.”
Damien Fahey, Dave Hill
@DamienFahey “’Gay marriage threatens the institution of marriage. Oh, don’t forget to DVR The Bachelor.’ —51% of America”
@mrdavehill “Last night I dreamt I secretly added gluten to everything in Gwyneth Paltrow’s refrigerator.”
Andy Richter
@AndyRichter “Oh yeah? Well if I’m so gay like you say, then why do I have to think about my wife when I have sex with dudes, hmmm?”