Good news, America: No reporters or paparazzi were roughed up or subjected to scary, homophobic tirades during this TV show’s premiere.
No flight attendants were at the receiving end of a titanic temper tantrum. No daughters were declared “thoughtless little pigs.’’
As for me, I wasn’t harassed on Twitter as the obsessive-compulsive blowhard named Alec Baldwin — my sweet, misunderstood, emotional, psychological and metaphysical train wreck — debuted his new talk show Friday night.
The NYPD, however, was reduced to roadkill. City cops were mutilated by the bigmouth, liberal twit, and by his first guest and boy crush, Democratic mayoral candidate Bill de Blasio.
Whom will Alec beat up next?
Alec’s mouth was set on “mute’’ and his hair arranged into a mish-mash of little spikes — an homage to Miley Cyrus’ ratty head spindles? Or was it, as TV Newser wrote, “a group of miniature nuclear silos’’?
Alec’s much-ballyhooed “Up Late With Alec Baldwin’’ launched on MSNBC with all the shock and awe one would expect from a leftist Hollywood egomaniac who a) wants to be taken seriously, b) delusionally expects to run for elective office or c) craves attention the way a supermodel craves a good colon cleanse.
Within a few minutes, Alec managed to infuriate cops, good citizens of this city, and GOP mayoral candidate Joe Lhota as he issued an hourlong foot massage to de Blasio. I’ve seen wet smooches that were more restrained.
Alec maligned cops for stopping and frisking dubious characters on the street, a practice that has removed countless illegal guns from the hands of potential thugs.
“Stop-and-frisk, to me, seems lazy,’’ Baldwin declared. De Blasio was over the moon.
“I really appreciate that analysis,’’ said de Blasio, “because it’s a tough city and a tough city to police.’’
Lhota was livid at de Blasio’s kiss-up to this known loon.
“Bill characterizing the NYPD as lazy is infuriating,’’ he said Saturday. “On what planet is he living?’’
And this was only the first show.
After enduring the self-serving, white-guy blah blah — Raise taxes! Cuff the cops! — I longed for the gentle pleasures of root canal. At least you get something for the pain.
But then Alec got competitive with his guest. De Blasio was describing his Dickensian childhood (absentee father, poverty), when Alec piped up with his own tale of youthful woe.
“In my lifetime, when I grew up in the heart of suburban, residential, middle-class Long Island,’’ Alec interrupted his guest, “one of the things that just vibrates for me in my adult life is all the activities we had through the school.”
“I grew up in a neighborhood where kids who didn’t sing in the chorus or play an instrument in the band or play basketball or get into wrestling or gymnastics, if they didn’t do something after school’’ — drumroll — “they all became drug addicts.’’
Pray tell, Alec, did you sing or play sports?
Before I heard a peep of complaint from the Nassau County school boards, an energized Alec brought up another rich-guy problem: women.
“I always tell my friends, I remember during my lifetime I would meet women. It was almost like God would say to me, ‘This is not the one you’re going to end up with. She’ll be a lot like this one. Study this woman. She’s smart and caring so take a good look at her. Someone like this will be put in your life 10 years later.’ ’’
Alec’s hallucinatory chat about dames did not include a mention of Hilaria Thomas, his Stockholm-syndrome-suffering wife and mother of his new baby girl.
Before Friday’s TV launch, MSNBC President Phil Griffin reportedly warned Alec to keep his tweeting thumbs in check. Instead, Alec used Twitter to diss Weekly Standard editor William Kristol as “sanctimonious,’’ and trashed fellow MSNBC host Joe Scarborough of “Morning Joe’’ — plus phys-ed educators of the Catholic faith — for “barking at his guests” in a “[Sean] Hannity-esque Catholic-school gym-teacher style.’’
No telling how Alec will fare if he runs into Scarborough in the men’s room at 30 Rock. Or a gym teacher.
Alec should put all that pent-up Twitter fury onto the tube.
“Up Late’’ is offensive. It could use some comedy.
‘Get’ rid of bad rabbis
These rabbis in side curls look like your wise, old uncles. But they behaved like ruthless mobsters, according to the feds.
Two Orthodox Jewish rabbis were arraigned in New Jersey federal court last week, charged with arranging the kidnapping and vicious beating of a man who refused to give his wife a “get’’ — which leads to a Jewish divorce.
Desperate women allegedly paid more than $50,000 a pop so the rabbis would make their husbands offers they couldn’t refuse.
“We take an electric cattle prod . . . You put it in certain parts of his body, and in one minute, the guy will know,” Rabbi Mendel Epstein, 68, of Brooklyn, allegedly told an undercover FBI agent. He said he hired “tough guys’’ whose methods are particularly persuasive. Co-defendant Rabbi Martin Wolmark, 55, of Rockland County, is accused of making sure a rabbinical court approved the shakedowns, and eight others also were charged in the get scheme.
Two things bug me. These creeps are accused of violence.
And they charged upwards of 50 grand per get. Lock them up.
It’s open sleazin’ on unpaid interns
Perverts, rejoice! A Manhattan federal judge ruled that a former intern can’t pursue a sex-harassment claim against a broadcasting company and its allegedly handsy supervisor — because she worked without pay!
Lihuan Wang alleged in a lawsuit filed in January that her supe tried to kiss her and squeeze her 22-year-old backside after she started work at Phoenix Satellite Television US in New York in 2010. Gross. But Judge Kevin Castel ruled that unpaid interns aren’t employees — the City Council never included them under the city’s Human Rights Law!
Wang’s still suing the company for failing to hire her. (Phoenix claims she never applied for a job.)
Parents, don’t send your daughters into the world without steel-toed boots.
Douglas mouths off
Ahead of reuniting with his humiliated wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones, in New York this Thanksgiving, Michael Douglas told a British TV show that he lied when he said he had throat cancer. Instead, he was diagnosed in 2010 with cancer of the tongue — but hid it because he was about to go on a movie tour, and was told he might need to have part of his jaw and tongue removed. He didn’t.
Like throat cancer, tongue cancer may be spread by the HPV virus, which, as Douglas, 69, indelicately noted, a man can receive by giving oral sex to a woman. Look out.
Please, Sarah, butt out now
Sarah Jessica Parker was caught in a photo looking haggard while furiously puffing on a cigarette. Smoking is making a comeback. A judge just ruled that state parks officials must stop enforcing bans on outdoor smoking.
But Sarah, for the sake of your health, your looks, fans, husband Matthew Broderick, and three kids — plus all breathing New Yorkers — kick this filthy habit.