I’m done with living women. They’re so fleshy and warm-blooded and urgh.
So I’m switching to the obvious alternative. Dead women.
For so long, the deceased babes of this world have been inaccessible, locked behind some great, fantastical void of grey nothingness. But thanks to the magic of the interwebs, ghosts are quickly becoming an integral part of the online dating community.
Introducing GhostSingles.com, a dating website where ghosts can meet attractive ghost-lovers like me who are posing as ghosts.
The cornerstone of the site is a state-of-the-art search engine, which not only sorts single ghosts by their gender and age (18 years old to 1000+ years), but lets you choose between people who died horrible, mysterious, tragic or sudden deaths.
Just build a profile, complete with information like your build (wispy, ethereal, cloudy) and how you found the site (seance, fate), and you’re released to frolic with the prettiest poltergeists in the universe.
After haunting the site for exactly 13 minutes, we managed to narrow the field of potential partners to four candidates. But we’re having trouble picking just one sexy spectre.
Perhaps you could help? Here are our top four phantoms, tell us who you’d float away with in theWhic comments section below.
This 173-year-old, ethereal cougar is a straight talker who doesn’t like fake smiles.
“I don’t care for having one’s visage marred by a perpetual smile, like some fool. That’s not to say I’m not happy; the lack of a smile is not always a reliable barometer on one’s emotional state.”
She’s also a depressed loner who died a horrible death. She doesn’t mention the details of said death in her profile, but I could always use the subject to start some interesting banter on our first date.
“In this case, however, it’s true: I’m not happy. I’ve been miserable since the day I died, and I have sought to reconnect with the generations that came after me by appearing to them. In every case, without fail, they react with terror at my approach.”
A spritely young thing at 119, vengefull insists her disposition really isn’t that bad.
“Do not be fooled by my moniker; it is a jest. Truly I am among the least vengeful of all my acquaintances.”
Anyone who uses the word “jest” is a decent chance in my book. Still, I’m not sure I’ll hit it off with her friends. That’s a point against her.
“My efforts at disturbing the living take only a pittance of my time, and thus I entertain the notion of diversion. If you are likewise minded, I would be delighted to receive word.”
She sounds foxy.
Her real name is Dorothy. This presents a problem, because I watched The Wizard of Oz that one time and found Dorothy to be incredibly annoying. Still, deadgrrrl seems to have a great personality, if you’re into crazy cat ladies.
Which of course I am.
“I used to miss my cat until she died. That was like 70 years ago, and then she was fun to have back around. Now she disappears for like a decade at a time, then comes back for a few years. Don’t ask me what a dead cat’s doing. Hey I thought they had nine lives! lol!!”
Wow, what a winning sense of humour. And Dorothy is so “with it” for a 94-year-old, using youthful lingo like “lol”.
This option’s a little different, because hauntingeyes is a complete dude. But he’s sooooo romantic.
“I love long walks on the stairs at night; staring down at the living while they sleep; randomly clanking the chains which bound me when I was shot for my crimes in life.”
He watches random people while they sleep. Just like Edward Cullen from that Twilight thing. Psycho stalkers are so “in” these days.
“I haven’t felt the temptation to partake of succulent human flesh since my execution for crimes against humanity.”
If the guy has enough willpower to overcome cannibalism, he’s good enough for me.
This story originally appeared on News.com.au.