What else can they possibly do to top the violence and horror of “Jersey Shore?” I’m glad you asked.
We have two new reality shows coming up — “High Society” debuting tonight on The CW and “Pretty Wild” premiering Sunday on E! — that will pit racist Manhattan “socialites” against West Coast, under age criminal celebutants.
Which coast produces the most fabulous in shallow decadence?
I’d have to say the West Coast show wins by a blonde hair.
“Pretty Wild” stars three teenage sisters — Tess Taylor, 19, Alexis Neiers, 18, and Gabby Neiers, 15 — and their parents, an ’80s Playmate, Andrea Arlington, and her forgettable husband, whatzizname.
The show follows the girls and their mother around as they try to become famous à la the Kardashians.
They only succeed at getting into trouble. Dangerous trouble.
Andrea home-schools the girls in the living room with the stripper pole and boasts, “I base all the curriculum on the movie, ‘The Secret.’ ”
What? Does the California Board of Ed have an alternative curriculum in bullcrap?
In the premiere episode, the cameras are (luckily) there when the police practically bang down the door to arrest Alexis (no secret) on suspicion of breaking and entering the homes of celebrities. Apparently, she was dumb enough to keep the stolen loot at home.
The real tragedy as she sees it? Because of her arrest, she was dropped from a lingerie shoot.
So much for following in her mother’s thong.
The show starts with a bang all right, but — since they only sent the first episode with one night of clubbing and the bust — it’s hard to tell where this is headed. Other than to jail.
On this coast, the woman who put the “lite” in “socialite,” soon-to-be-divorcé Tinsley Mortimer proves that the socialows she hangs with are nearly as vulgar and as criminal as the Neiers clan.
The show follows her around in the days after she splits from her moneybags ex-husband. New apartment, new dates, new photo ops.
Tinsley’s pals, unlike the West Coasters, add the always-important social qualities of impromptu violence and casual racism to the mix.
Tinsley turns out to be the least interesting of her horrible crew. She pales in horribleness next to her friends, J.P. Calderon, an accused purse lifter who throws a glass at a woman and his sworn enemy, rich girl Jules Kirby, who says, “My friends do not tend to be homosexuals, fat or Jewish-y bald . . . I use the ‘N’ word sometimes, but I really think it should be OK sometimes.”
Then she adds, “My dream is to work at the UN.”
Perfect. She’d fit right in.
It’s all horrible. However, I will admit that I watched extra episodes — just in case!