Oh, Steve Phillips, you nutty, birthmarked-on-your-crotch gigantic dummy, you.
Seriously? This is the girl you cheat with? The chubby, needy, crazy-eyed, always-the-bridesmaid-never-the-bride, way-beneath-your-league 22-year-old from your office?
In the immortal words of Chris Rock: “That tiger didn’t go crazy. That tiger went tiger.”
Translation: That crazy chick didn’t go crazy. That crazy chick went crazy chick.
Has Monica Lewinsky taught us nothing?
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Let’s call it The Golden Rule of Cheating: Crazy chicks are (as in always) going to spill about the affair. They’re going to keep the dress. They’re going to obsess over the details of your private life. They’re going to take every text message as a secret sign that you’re planning exactly the right deserted island upon which to propose. They’re going to contact your son on Facebook.
Yes, Steve Phillips, this may sound harsh. But to quote your 22-year-old paramour: We’re not telling you any of this to hurt you in any way, but simply to show you that we’re real people, too, and we care deeply about your happiness.
Also, you’re an idiot.
We understand that off-the-rails chicks are kind of hot in that “Fatal Attraction” might-shoot-you-in-the-head-any-minute way. They’re sooooo into you! They flutter their eyes a lot. They giggle more than should even be physically possible. They make you feel very big in a world where normally you feel very small.
So very, very small.
STATEMENT FROM THEIR TEENAGE SON
CLICK HERE TO HEAR THE 911 CALL
That’s why we’re providing this public-service announcement for all the men out there trying to avoid becoming the next Steve Phillips. Call it The Dummy’s Guide to Cheating.
It’s for every man who wants to fool around, but who doesn’t want to read the scorned mistress’ letter in The Post the next day. Speaking of which, Steve: Glad to hear about the Mass and therapy with your wife. Sounds like a super terrific idea!
Rule No. 1: Go for the woman who doesn’t really like you.
I mean, she doesn’t hate you. You’re OK. But she’s not all that impressed by you. She doesn’t have the gaga “I want to replace your wife and have picked out the cut of my Vera Wang dress” look in her eyes.
Rule No. 2: Go for the girl who is on a schedule.
She doesn’t appreciate when you do things like: “waste her time,” “try to establish an emotional connection” and “talk.”
Rule No. 3: Pick a real career woman.
She makes more than $50K, preferably. This chick’s busy, focused and not on you — except in bed. Congratulations, guy!
Rule No. 4: She doesn’t text you.
She says things like, “I don’t have time to text.” And, “Please stop wasting my time.” And, “You’re annoying me.”
Rule No. 5: She’s got a boyfriend or husband of her own.
See how that works?
Rule No. 6: She knows how to keep a secret.
Make small talk like, “I’m so terrible at keeping secrets, what about you?” If she agrees, pat her gently on the knee and move on.
Rule No. 7: She’s done this before and already has a reputation as the office bicycle.
This chick has no stake in your life. A disease, maybe. But certainly no stake.
Rule No. 8: She says things like, “I would never date you, but . . .”
Also acceptable are “I can’t ever imagine marrying a guy like you” and “Your poor wife.”
Rule No. 9: She’s the opposite of 22.
Know what the opposite of 22 is? Anything other than 22! Know what happens with 22-year-olds? They fall in love. Hard. They fall in crazy, mad, mess-up-the-stone-column-in-front-of-your-house kind of love.
Rule No. 10: She’s all about establishing ground rules.
This means she’s not fazed when you say things like, “This is purely physical.” Or, “Sure is fun having a purely physical relationship, isn’t it?” Or simply hushing one another and playing that Olivia Newton-John song over and over as you take each other, again and again, slowly sometimes, quickly others, content with the personal God you have chosen as your own and have to answer to daily.
You’re welcome, Steve Phillips. Happy Being a Terrible Person!
mstadtmiller@nypost.com