1. THE REAL HOUSEWIVES FROM ANYWHERE (Bravo)
This cultural stink bomb has done more to denigrate the image
of women than any other show on television. What started out as
a gossipy reality show about some very forgettable Orange
County “Housewives” morphed into a teeth-gnashing organism of
female rage, banality and greed. When future generations Google
the term “TV shrews” surely names such as Teresa Guidice, Jill
Zarin and Ramona Singer, among many others, will pop up.
“Desperate Housewives” had its day and eventually went away.
Now, it’s time for the “Real Housewives” to follow suit.
Michael Rosenthal/Bravo
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2. A.N.T. FARM (Disney Channel)
We miss the Disney Channel’s golden age of Emmy-nominated shows
like “High School Musical” and “Hannah Montana.” The current
slate of programming promotes fame and freedom from parental
supervision as key goals in teen life. The young stars of
Disney sitcoms such as Sierra McCormick (from left) and China
Anne McClain of “A.N.T. Farm” fail to compensate for unfunny
scripts with exaggerated facial expressions that rival those of
silent film stars. A typical “A.N.T. Farm” zinger about school
budget cuts: “Why can’t they just cut unnecessary things like
math and English? It would be, like, a kajillion times more
gooder!” Granted, a precious few adult roles offer paychecks
for forgotten actors like “A.N.T. Farm” cast member Mindy
Sterling, who played Frau Barbissina in Mike Meyers’ “Austin
Powers” films. But it’s still time to blast this junk from the
airwaves. In the words of Frau, “Fire the la-SER!”
DISNEY CHANNEL
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3. 2 BROKE GIRLS (CBS)
The ratings are good, but the jokes? They make Buddy Hackett
seem cutting-edge. “I dated a guy with one ball once,” says
buxom Williamsburg waitress Max (Kat Dennings, far right). “He
was all self-conscious. I said, ‘No big deal’. It’s just as
ugly as two.” The diner’s witless cook sticks his head out of
the kitchen to say, “I once had a date with a blond woman.
Turns out the curtains matched the penis on that one.” Someone
gets paid to write this crap? Unfortunately, yes.
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4. CELEBRITY APPRENTICE (NBC)
What in heaven’s name is this show still doing on the air?
Nearly 10 years after the 2004 premiere of “The Apprentice,” it
has devolved into a telethon for Hollywood’s lamest has-beens
to keep their faces in front of the camera. Seldom has there
been a more opportune time for NBC to borrow Trump’s closing
line from this show: “You’re fired.”
Douglas Gorenstein/NBC
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5. MAURY (syndicated)
Since 1991, Maury Povich (left) has slathered us with trashy
tales of abusive spouses, kinky freaks and promiscuous teens.
But when he signed with an Ohio diagnostics firm to do
paternity tests for on-air reveals five years ago, his daytime
chat fest jumped the shark as soon as he uttered the words,
“You are NOT the father!” We have no use for the shouting
audiences and guests, not to mention episodes with titles like
“You Had Sex With Me and My Dad … Who’s Your Baby’s Father?”
and “I’m Testing a Fifth Man Today … Is He My Baby’s Father?”
Sure, your highly rated show may be under syndication contract
until September 2016. But, Maury, it’s time for our own big
reveal — you are NOT the future!
ASSOCIATED PRESS
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6. DANCE MOMS (Lifetime)
Dance instructor Abby Lee Miller (below center) may be the most
unpleasant wretch on reality television. The transparently
producer-orchestrated show follows the portly harridan as she
parades little girls around in burlesque outfits to
competitions while lowering their self-esteem as much as
possible. Meanwhile, the women billed as the girls’ mothers
stand by and argue about really important issues, like whose
kid sucks the most.
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7. MY CAT FROM HELL (Animal Planet)
This ripoff of “The Dog Whisperer” couldn’t have seemed good on
paper. In any case, spending your free time watching snarling,
shrieking, practically feral cats get a hold of themselves,
with the help of “cat behaviorist” Jackson Galaxy (near left)
is a complete waste of human effort.
Animal Planet
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8. MY BIG REDNECK VACATION (CMT)
Send a bunch of bumpkins from the South — the Clampits from
Shreveport, La. — to London, and here’s what you hear: “Why is
the expression ‘God save the queen’? Is she in some kind of
trouble?” Or, “If we have to go the restrooms, is it all right
if we go out there to the tree limbs or something?” Chalk it up
to the redneck exploitation rampant on TV right now. The
Clampits (same name as the family on “The Beverly Hillbillies”)
live in a “Downton Abbey”-style manor house, and come to dinner
in Bud Light T-shirts with the sleeves cut off. It’s seven
kinds of awful.
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9. GUYS WITH KIDS (NBC) We said this was the worst new show of the season last fall, and the charge still sticks. It’s offensive on two fronts: 1. The…
NBC
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10. THE BACHELOR (ABC)
Lonely women need dates, but this surely isn’t the way to go.
Not to mention that there’s no new way to tell this story, or
new rosebushes to pluck bouquets from. The guys are wannabe
soap stars and the women are Barbie dolls. The dates are
boring. Enough.
ABC
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11. THE NEIGHBORS (ABC)
It was never, ever funny, this one-joke sitcom about
suburbanites living in a private community whose next-door
neighbors just happen to be aliens dressed like “normal”
people.” Take it off or just stab us in the neck.
ABC
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12. COMMUNITY (NBC)
The show is like one giant inside joke and the creators
couldn’t care less if the viewers get it. Case in point: an
entire episode in claymation. Not random enough for you? How
about the one centered around “Dungeons & Dragons”? The show’s
parodies are the kind of meta-junk that only a masochist could
love. Imagine how much better “Community” would be if the
writers wrote jokes, instead of a series of “quirks.”
Vivian Zink/NBC
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13. 1600 PENN (NBC)
If a young man of Skip Gilchrist’s bungling incompetence
actually lived in the White House, we’d be speaking Chinese by
now. Gilchrist, the man-child president’s son played by Josh
Gad (right), is such a misguided, unfunny presence that it’s
shocking to realize that Gad is playing pretty much the same
character he did in Broadway’s “The Book of Mormon.” That
show’s creators understood how to balance Gad’s “bull in a
China shop” whirlwind with the action around him. The creators
of “1600 Penn” would do well to realize that, like partying at
Coachella, a little bit of chaos here goes a long way.
Chris Haston/NBC
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14. VEGAS (CBS)
How can a show about a place as glitzy and sexy as Las Vegas,
with a cowboy sheriff (Dennis Quaid, left), be so flat and
dull? The showgirls barely have the energy to lift their legs
and kick. Call it CBS proceduralitis, but when they moved this
wan entry to a Friday-night time slot, its doom was certain.
Michael Chiklis doesn’t seem capable of playing anything except
a bad guy.
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15. FIRST TAKE (ESPN2)
This is what happens when you cross two of the most obnoxious,
self-serving, loudmouthed blowhards in sports media — two hours
of Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless, from ESPN studios in
Bristol, Conn., yelling about the topics du jour. Smith is more
buddy to NBA stars than journalist. The contrarian Bayless
makes mindless “predictions” for no identifiable reason other
than to fuel arguments. The banter is more “Real Housewives of
Bristol” than insightful sports commentary.
Joe Faraoni
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16. ONCE UPON A TIME (ABC)
Oh, prime-time drama based on fairy tales, we want to love you.
Your talent — Ginnifer Goodwin, Robert Carlyle, Lana Parrilla
(above) — is so strong. Your concept is so interesting. But
your writing is so bad, your storylines so preposterous and
your fairy tales so mixed up — Snow White meets Captain Hook? — that we lost interest. Also, HBO’s “Game of Thrones” airs on Sunday nights, and while that show’s even more confusing with
twice as many characters, at least it’s well-written.
ABC
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17. WHEEL OF FORTUNE (syndicated)
The “Gunsmoke” of game shows. It’s on because it’s always been
on, but aside from wardrobe and hair changes for Vanna, today’s
episodes are nearly indistinguishable from those broadcast five
years ago — or 20 years ago. At least Alex Trebek shaved his
mustache on “Jeopardy.” “Wheel” makes piles of money, but
that’s no reason for it to be such a bore.
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18. MAN V. FOOD NATION (Travel Channel)
We are grossed out. We no longer want to see host Adam Richman
(right) stuffing his face. Pancakes. Burritos. Pizza. Wings.
Twelve-egg omelettes. They all disappear down Richman’s gullet
in huge quantities. No one needs several seasons of an
eating-contest show.
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19. LOST GIRL (Syfy)
This supernatural fighter series disguises itself as a “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” heir with Bo (Anna Silk) using her seductress powers to fight baddies. But in addition to grasping for that wickedly wry sense of humor that made the Sarah Michelle Gellar series a classic, the series also attempts to tap into the lesbian romance that made Buffy cutting edge. The result is bad girl-on-girl porn, leaving viewers to say, “This crap is why I don’t watch science fiction.” Either way, it’s not helping the genre fight its way out of moms’ basements.
Unknown/Syfy
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20. THE TODAY SHOW FOURTH HOUR (NBC)
Three hours of this stale bag of potato chips is more than enough. Add alcohol and Hoda and Kathie Lee talking about inane subjects for another hour and you really need a cocktail.
Peter Kramer/NBC
