UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Michael Jai White. Directed by Mic Rodgers. Running time: 89 minutes. Rating: R. At Lincoln Square, Kips Bay, Criterion, others.
T RISTAR Pictures wouldn’t let critics see “Universal Soldier: The Return” in advance, presumably to protect its star, Jean-Claude Van Damme, from abusive opening-day reviews.
Justice delayed is justice denied, I say, but let’s do what we can to right this wrong.
“Universal Soldier: The Return” is about bullets, bombs and boobs – the biggest boob being Van Damme, natch, but there are also mammaries aplenty. As our hero and his moll – Himbo and Bimbo – flee the evil zombie cyborgs, they make a pit stop at a strip club. Why? To use the club’s Internet connection to access the secret code!
Heck, why not? That makes about as much sense as anything else in this knuckle-dragger, in which Van Damme reprises his 1992 role as Luc Devereaux, a Vietnam-era soldier brought back to life to serve as a “universal soldier.”
Though the robotic berserkers caused mayhem in the first movie, the improved versions are supposedly glitch-free.
Right. When budget cuts threaten to shut down the facility where the deathbots (“Unisols”) are housed, supercomputer SETH takes matters into his own hands, reprogramming the Unisols to kill, kill, kill.
An intrepid TV reporter (Heidi Schanz) happens to be in the facility and thus finds herself latched nonsensically to Luc for the rest of the film.
There’s lots of fighting, but the Muscles from Brussels mouths dialogue that wouldn’t challenge a bivalve – and in an accent that makes Stallone sound like a master of elocution.
When Luc warns against “peas Damoff,” you first think he’s commenting on a Russian vegetable dish, then you realize he’s suggesting that a strategy might anger the Unisols.
Luc also gets thrown through a bazillion windows without suffering a scratch. How does he remain so resilient? Popeye had his spinach – Luc has his peas Damoff.