Movies

5 reasons ‘Love, Actually’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

This week marks the tenth anniversary of the Christmas-themed “Love Actually,” and with it, a new Blu-ray release. The movie certainly has its legions of fans who watch and re-watch it every holiday season, proclaiming it a feel-good classic and falling to pieces each time they see that scene where Emma Thompson quietly breaks down after finding the jewelry.

But out there, somewhere, probably hiding in dark alleys or beneath the coal in stockings, are the silent minority — the “Love, Actually” haters who find the movie predictable, horribly cloying and would like to respectfully suggest that it should come with a side of insulin. They hide in the shadows, afraid to speak up for fear of being called a Grinch or worse: being made to watch the film again in hopes that this time, they will “get” it.

You are not alone, friends. Come in, this is a safe place. Here are five pieces of ammunition the haters can use around the eggnog this year.

  1. 1. This movie is not in any way, shape or form about love, actually

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    At least not real love. Instead it looks to entertain and distract audiences with gimmicky storylines featuring characters that very few of us who live in the real world recognize. One plotline is about a bachelor prime minister. Another is about a rock star. Another is about two moony-eyed porn actors. Another is about a young boy who talks like a 53-year-old poet. Another is about a man who finds love at his summer residence in France. Let’s cut the crap about this movie being a relatable, sweet romp and just admit it’s pure fantasy, whose charms are of the escapist variety and no different from “Star Wars.”

  2. 2. This movie spawned garbage like "Valentine's Day" and "New Year's Eve"

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    “Love Actually” was a trailblazer when it came to overstuffing the romcom marquee. Look at all these stars we have! Hugh Grant! Colin Firth! Keira Knightley! Liam Neeson! Alan Rickman! But wait, there’s more! Martin Freeman! Chiwetel Ejiofor! Bill Nighy! Emma Thompson! Laura Linney! That guy from that thing!

    Enough already. To quote the Post’s Kyle Smith, Hollywood screenwriters who can’t come up with one good storyline probably can’t come up with 15 either. No need to craft a complete movie when you can just write 287 charming vignettes instead. It’s much easier to be clever in three minutes than to hit upon a compelling narrative between two characters that lasts for two hours. Who sees “When Harry Met Sally…” or “The Graduate” and leaves thinking, “It was good, but I wish Ashton Kutcher had quadruple the romantic plotlines.” “Love Actually” showed Hollywood that more is better. Pack enough stars in and audiences won’t notice that there wasn’t much going on, actually.

  3. 3. C'mon, a scene where someone bursts through airport security and chases his love just before she gets on a plane?

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    Yeah, it’s in there. Seen it before? And despite this taking place post-9/11, no one gets tased.

    And hey, while we’re being nitpicky Grinches, might as well point out that there are no red-eye flights from London to New York, as portrayed in that scene.

  4. 4. That flash card bit is straight-up creepy

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    This is the actual plot of that storyline. We swear. Andrew Lincoln is the best man and videographer at the wedding of Ejiofor to Knightley. When Knightley watches her wedding video, she discovers that Lincoln has filmed her exclusively, like some cinematic Ed Gein. Instead of being outraged that, like, her wedding video is ruined and she has a stalker, she’s somehow touched. Later, Lincoln shows up at her door and shows her handwritten flashcards proclaiming his love for her. Why does he use flashcards? Because her husband and HIS BEST FRIEND is right inside and might hear. Are we rooting for him to steal her? How are we supposed to feel? Someone help us out here.

  5. 5. So much for strong women

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    Next time you watch, take an inventory of the (almost always younger) women in the film and their relationships to the (older) men. In the case of the Hugh Grant and Colin Firth storylines, these guys are sleeping with their secretaries and their maids. Emma Thompson’s husband is having an affair with his secretary too. A dorky English lad travels to America and finds that women fall all over him because of his accent.

    It’s no wonder that most everyone’s favorite storyline in the film involves Bill Nighy. At the end, he ends up getting drunk with his male manager.