As it turns out, the Caymans shelter things other than taxes! Namely, sun-seeking New Yorkers just like you and me in desperate need of lamming it. Or maybe you want to wait it out and visit the Brit’s tri-island (Grand, Brac, Little) overseas territory in the spring when things cheapen up? Or the wet-n-wilder rainy summer and fall? Fine with them — most every activity is year-round.
Somewhat obvious pro-tip: In the spring/summer, it’s best to do indoor stuff when the A/C is flipped to the notch above max; in the fall/winter is when it’s best to head outdoors and tan that wan hide of yours. So pop in any random single day, or come all 365 (just don’t think about hitting the liquor stores on Sundays: this is pretty hardcore Jesus country).
Here’s what’s best, whatever time of year — all below is based on sunny Grand Cayman unless otherwise noted:
Spring
Have a shelluva good time at the Cayman Turtle Farm, a research and conservation site sporting turtle touch tanks, a swimming pool, a nurse shark reef and turtle lagoon where you can join ’em in the water — two non-terrapin mascots on site, too: a parrot named Sweet Pea and a nine-foot-long croc named Smiley, trained to jump. You won’t be touch-tanking her, no sir (tours from $18).
There is life after Seven Mile Beach (which is actually rounded up from 6½ miles, the liars) — up in the North Sound, Rum Point beach (BTW: all that whitey white powder is thanks to a marine algae whose skeleton makes beautiful bone-on-rock music with the island’s native limestone) has a watersports operator catering to the water jock in your family. From sailing to windsurfing to kayaking to waverunnering, to upright paddleboarding, Red Sail Sports will outfit you. When you need a nap — and you will — hammocks abound.
Snag a whirlybird-eyes’ view of Grand Cayman — which, when seen from above, looks like a giant backwards “L” that’s fallen over dead — with Cayman Island Helicopters (they use a Eurocopter 350 B2, aviatophiles), in the biz since since 2003. You have three tours to choose from: Seven Mile Beach (cruise-goers only), Stingray City or the Whole Island tour (from $69/pp).
All colada’d and Caybrewed out? Launched just this month, the West Indies Wine Company — a dedicated wine bar (the island’s first) and store in Camana Bay on Seven Mile Beach — is a great way to wash down all that Cayman cuisine you’ve been stuffing your face with their over 80 bottles gore on tap!
Summer
Just how British are the Caymans? In 1979 they actually passed a law mandating there be a museum “to collect historical, natural and scientific objects of interest.” Turns out, it’s 80,000 percent less boring than that sounds. These days, the George Town Harbor-opposite Cayman Islands National Museum — in a very schizo building that was once a dancehall, post office and jail (a lot of Cayman buildings are ex-jails, make of that what you will) — has 3-D geography/history/biology displays, temp and permanent art exhibits, kiddie-friendly workshops and not-freaky buccaneer animatronics (tours are free, donations much obliged).
Sometimes the weller-to-do residents in the Caymans forget they’re on an island and import Ferraris and Maseratis for gobs of cash (not to mention spending just as much shipping them back to whence they came just to be serviced). Join the madness the Cayman Motor Museum in West Bay for cool wheels to gawk at like the Batmobile from the ’60s TV series, a 1955 Ford Thunderbird and a 1939 Mercedes 230S, father of the Nazi War Wagon ($15).
Booze tours are a perfect way to hide from the Caymans’ cruel summer sun. First up, a Seven Fathoms Rum Tour, a mere $15, where you’ll be taken around the proud George Town-based distillery — the smells and colors and science behind the sugary spirit will make you think twice the next time you defile it with a lowly Coke. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear, so round off the day with a Cayman Islands Brewery Tour, the Shamrock Road (fitting!) home of the Caybrew and siblings CayLight, White Tip Lager and Ironshore Bock.
Fall
Somewhere between New Year’s resolutions like losing weight and giving up alcohol (both of which you’ve voided on your Cayman vacay already) is PADI certification. Some 40 or so dive ops have come together in the Caymans to form the Dive 365 program, maintaining unique moorings for each day of the year (name not a coinkydink). You have ops around all three Cayman islands, from shallow reef- to deep wall-diving to the former sub rescue ship, the USS Kittiwake, ironically sunk off Seven Mile Beach. That water’s a balmy 80 degrees year-round.
All those colorful fishies you’re staring at through your mask make you hungry? Hit up Beach House, a newborn resto opened just last month at the Seven Mile Beach-set Westin Grand Cayman as part of the resort’s full-body reno. What was once the Casa Havana is now a Coastal Cuisine-serving (the brainchild of Chef Michael Farrell) up-caj joint which leans awfully surf, but includes turf ops, too, like duck, beef, lamb and pork. Plates run small to fam-sized
Remember you were playing “Jeopardy” from home and couldn’t come up with the Cayman’s oldest stone structure? Well, Alex, what is Pedro St. James for $1,000? Not only that CV fun fact, the pride of Savannah is thought of as the “birthplace of Cayman democracy” — the first elected parliament called it home, as did the Slavery Abolition Act signers. But no more spoiler alerts — your turn to hunt down facts; the 3-D theater awaits (admission is $10).
Across from the Marriott & Regal Beach, Craft F&B Co.’s craft beer/cocktail/pub fare server is such a noob, its website is still in progress. But the food stops for no IT nerds: try the porchetta and meatball sammy, perogies, tacos and the Craft burger — a medley of dry, aged beef, Craft bacon and melted Brie on a brioche bun — between chugs o’ grog.
Winter
The islands’ best annual event is the epicurean Woodstock they call the Cayman Cookout, hosted by the iconic Ritz-Carlton, Grand Cayman. Imagine a long weekend of drinking wine and local beers and eating, meeting and greeting celeb chefs — such as the always-random Anthony Bourdain, who groused about Icelandic favorite Hákarl (urine-fermented shark) or José Andrés cracking wise in his thick Spanish accent (he actually left midway through to hit up Michelle Obama’s b-day party). There are also lots of rich folks bidding for sports memorabilia. Next year’s will run Jan. 15-19 (it’s always over Martin Luther King weekend), with David Chang Michael White joining the previous two mentioned — and the hotel itself has recently received an elegant makeover from New York-based design firm D’Aquino Monaco (from $439).
All Iguana do is have some fun! That goes double for the Cayman’s native lizard, the Blue Iguana, which has faced near extinction — and would have if it weren’t for those crazy and caring kids at the Blue Iguana Recovery Program, which has helped add 87 newborn youngsters to the island’s sparse population this year alone. Go on a 90-minute safari at the QE II Botanical Park and see the azure-hued ‘zards for yourself. If you’re still on a critter kick, head to Sting Ray City, where you can pet, even kiss, more than two dozen tame-as-can-be Atlantic Southern Stingrays in a mere three feet of water (half-day trips from $44.44).
After all the do-gooderism, the 500-acre Camana Bay is the island’s newest one-stop shopping/living/3-D-movie showing/biking/dining/yacht-slipping/spend-loads-of-moneying destination — forgive it, while it fixes its Crescent Water Fountain, on sabbatical since late last month, it implores.