LAST night another religious wack job came to attack Ground Zero: Tom bin Cruise.
The warden of the Katie Holmes Correctional Facility zoomed in to do a “benefit” for his Scientology group, the “New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project.” Only Cruise would hold a benefit for himself.
Ground Zero crews are in for the Brooke Shields treatment: Cruise believes all ills are curable via the same Cartoon Network regimen of feeding people cooking oil and making them sweat. Cruise thinks he’s the Toxic Avenger, but he’s a petri dish of poison with a brilliant way to use 9/11 to line Scientology’s pockets.
One: He gets covered by the celebu-press, not science writers. AP purred, in classic put-the-press-release-on-the-wire fashion, “Tom Cruise’s latest effort isn’t for the big screen. It’s for the New York police, firefighters and paramedics of Sept. 11.” (When did AP become Hello! magazine?)
Two: Those who want a tan from his celebrity glow will urge a fair hearing for his quackery. Obscure City Councilman Hiram Monserrate suddenly finds himself talked about after issuing a proclamation of huzzahs for L. Ron Hubbard.
Three: The Ground Zero maladies are so baffling that workers will try anything. Anyone who feels better will credit any placebo at hand – whether Cruise or the Easter Bunny. In 1991, Time called Scientology’s anti-drug program “Narconon” a “vehicle for drawing addicts into the cult” – which the magazine said “invented hundreds of goods and services for which members are urged to give up ‘donations’ ” – such as $1,250 for advice on “moving swiftly up the Bridge” of enlightenment. That’s New Age techno-gobbledygook for advice on buying swiftly up the Bridge of Brooklyn.
Scientology fronts such as the New York Rescue Workers Detoxification Project – its Web site immediately recognizable as the work of Hubbardites by its logo, which looks like the cover of a Robert Heinlein paperback from 1971 – hint that their gimmicks might possibly interest anyone dreaming of weight loss, higher I.Q. or freedom from addiction. And you might be extra-specially interested if you’ve faced heart disease, cancer, Agent Orange or Chernobyl.
As Mayor Bloomberg put it, Scientology “is not science.” Nope. It’s science fiction.