SO a doctor and a lawyer got together to write a putrid little scab of a torture movie called “Untraceable,” a sort of “Hostel” for soccer moms.
I wonder what patients of the doctor – a Houston orthopedic surgeon named Mark Brinker – will say when they see all the evil contraptions this guy dreamed up, such as a series of heat lamps rigged to slow-fry a prisoner. (Er, actually, doc, I think I don’t need any more treatment from you. And please don’t approach me with any sharp instruments.)
As for the lawyer, though, I’d hire the guy anytime.
The movie starts with a cat being tortured to death and then introduces us to a Portland, Ore., FBI investigator and caring mom (Diane Lane) who tracks online criminals. The cat killer did the deed while streaming the action on a Web cam, but the agent finds that the wee beastie was only practice for bigger game.
Soon the psycho is kidnapping humans, putting them in torture devices and making them stars of his Web site. He arranges it so that each pain machine is linked to the number of viewers of his site. The more visitors, the worse the torture, until the victim’s as dead as the script around him.
The doctor and the lawyer write dialogue about as well as I transplant kidneys. Characters actually say “This time it’s personal,” “Just when you thought you’d seen it all,” and “You think this is it? It’s just the beginning.”
Every so often, the story veers off the thriller rails and into the parking lot of product placement for Windows Vista or the navigation service OnStar.
Out of nowhere, Lane says, “Make sure to send her mom an Evite,” and when the detectives have important matters to discuss, they stand in front of a Pepsi machine.
The victims share a connection that Inspector Clouseau would have figured out. It’s not revealed until the end, but the detectives seemingly didn’t employ such techniques as asking what the deceased did for a living.
When one victim disappears, instead of looking at his computer and phone records and talking to his family to find out where he might have been going, they publicize his plight. This (duh!) causes surging Web traffic and certain death.
The movie chides us for being a sick voyeuristic society, hungry for the sight of violence. The purity of this moral stance is somewhat clouded by the movie’s habit of staging sick violent acts. Not that crowds are going to stampede the multiplex for this one. What’s the opposite of a voyeur? An ignoreur?
UNTRACEABLE
Unendurable.
Running time: 100 minutes. Rated R (torture violence, profanity). At the Lincoln Square, the Kips Bay, the Orpheum, others.