WITH golf season here and the Masters in two weeks, this one’s for those who don’t play golf. It’s particularly important for you folks to know this about those of us who do:
We’re nothing like that. We’re not what TV would have you think we are. What’s spoken on golf telecasts is never spoken on golf courses. Never. Even those heard on golf telecasts who play golf never speak that way when they play golf.
While you will hear on TV that a player “carded a bogey,” such an expression, if spoken by a man (or woman) on a golf course, would be spoken by a man who was talking to himself, because no one would play with a person who speaks such expressions.
Same for much of the golf talk heard on golf telecasts. Only on TV do we hear that a player “fashioned a 71,” “authored a par” or “successfully negotiated a putt.” Again, anyone who spoke like that would have no one to hear him.
Same with, “slim one-stroke lead,” “atop the leaderboard” and “battled back from a three-stroke (or hole) deficit.”
Golfers don’t speak like that — unless they’re on TV. Something happens when they’re on TV; they get goofy or try to sound British or as if they’re writing a try-too-hard essay for The New Yorker. Otherwise, golfers speak regular American English.
The worst common application of a word on golf telecasts is “found,” as in “the ball found the water,” “the ball found the bunker,” “the ball found the fairway.”
Golfers don’t speak that way because they know better. The ball didn’t find anything; they hit it there!
Golf Channel, as a matter of perverse and reverse common sense, is the national home of golf expressions that golfers never use. Just about any time, one can tune in to hear golf spoken as it’s never spoken unless it’s spoken on TV.
Recently heard was that a first-year pro is in his “initial professional campaign” and that a shot “found the putting surface.” Yesterday on GC, co-host Kelly Tilghman said that Tiger Woods last year on 18, “recorded a 3.” Good grief.
Ya’ gotta believe me, golfers don’t talk that way. They wouldn’t and, more important, they couldn’t or they’d have no one to talk that way to.
ROUGH run lately for New York sports fans 50 and up. Johnny Blanchard (76), Howard Komives (68), Arthur Richman (83), Whitey Lockman (82). Of course, the youngsters always will have pro wrestlers to mourn. Andrew Martin, who performed for Vince McMahon as the massively muscled “Test,” was 33. Next!
It’s official; SNY’s new Mets’ pre- and post-game team will be Chris Carlin and Bob Ojeda.
ESPN breaks a lot of stories, or at least takes credit for them. Yet, the ugly stuff that has marked UConn basketball under Jim Calhoun — stuff that has gone on right in ESPN’s Hartford-area backyard — has not only been missed by ESPN, ESPN won’t even take partial credit for the stories.
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In an interview with the Bengals’ Web site last week, Boomer Esiason explained his role as low-roader Craig Carton‘s partner on WFAN: “I’m the guy who reins him in.” Esiason must think that “guy who reins him in” and “willing accomplice” are the same.
MSG carried the week’s most depressing TV. The PSAL girls’ championship was played by girls, several of whom conspicuously displayed for-real/forever tattoos.
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Curt Schilling‘s retirement Tuesday led Mike Francesa to reach and speak an absurd conclusion, one he’d have backed off of if only he had the ability to admit he’s wrong (or at least pretend that he was only kidding):
Francesa determined and tried to belittle callers who disagreed that Schilling was a big-time, big-game pitcher who, by comparison, was superior to Nolan Ryan, who was just a statistics “compiler” whose longevity is confused with greatness.
Good gosh, Ryan had few chances to pitch in big games because he starred for so many bad teams. In strike-shortened 1972, he was 19-16 (2.28) for the 75-80 Angels. In 1973, he was 21-16 (2.87) for the 78-84 Angels. In ’74, he was 22-16 (2.89) for the 68-94 Angels. He was 19-16 (2.77) for the 74-88 ’77 Angels.
In 1974 Ryan had the greatest bad month in modern history. On July 30, he lost, 3-2, pitching all 10 innings and allowing just six hits against Jim Kaat and the White Sox. A week later, he allowed three hits in a 1-0 loss to Kaat. Two weeks after that, Ryan pitched an 11-inning four-hitter, striking out 19, in a 1-0 loss to Detroit’s Mickey Lolich. Four days later he went the distance, losing a five-hitter, 2-1, in Yankee Stadium.
But Francesa, Tuesday, actually belittled those who regard Ryan as at least Schilling’s equal. By the way, last week Francesa revealed March 20 to be his birthday. Odd, many figured it was Dec. 25.