IT’S pretty hard to make a dull movie about Henry VIII and his complicated love life, but “The Other Boleyn Girl,” a failed Oscar contender, man ages to do just that, with yawns to spare.
In this unsexy and not particularly good-looking adaptation of a historical potboiler by Philippa Gregory, Henry (Eric Bana) is alternately bewitched by sisters Anne and Mary Boleyn, who are being pimped out as potential mistresses by their ambitious father (Mark Rylance) and uncle (David Morrissey).
Henry is still married to his first wife (and his brother’s widow), the Spanish Catherine of Aragon (the very good Ana Torrent), who is having difficulty producing a male heir. Meanwhile, Anne Boleyn (Natalie Portman) fails her first mistress interview by showing up Henry with her riding skills (which, strangely, takes place off-screen).
The king prefers Anne’s less headstrong younger sister, Mary (Scarlett Johansson). With the enthusiastic consent of Mary’s husband and father – and the disapproval of her mother (Kristin Scott-Thomas) – Mary is installed as the king’s mistress du jour and the queen’s lady-in-waiting, while Anne is exiled to France and the rest of the family gets rich.
But Henry becomes bored after Mary becomes pregnant with his child – the future Queen Elizabeth I – and dad sends for Anne to fill in, which doesn’t do a whole lot for the sisters’ relationship.
The fickle Henry becomes instantly infatuated with Anne, who in this version won’t sleep with the king until he divorces Catherine, banishes Mary, and breaks with the Roman Catholic Church.
This soap opera includes many risible plot twists, most notably the newly enthroned Anne trying to sleep with her possibly gay brother (Jim Sturgess) to cover up a royal miscarriage – an act that lands both of their heads on the chopping block.
It’s all remarkably superficial bordering on silly, despite a script by Peter Morgan (“The Queen”) and direction by Justin Chadwick, making his feature debut after helming the acclaimed TV adaptation of “Bleak House.”
Among other problems, neither Johansson (who will, unfortunately, be portraying Elizabeth I’s cousin in “Mary Queen of Scots”) nor Portman are especially convincing as 16th-century Brits (who each throw many hissy fits) in “The Other Boleyn Girl.”
As for Bana (the Australian star of “The Hulk”), the sexy Henry of TV’s “The Tudors,” Jonathan Rhys Meyers, can rest easy on his throne.
THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL
Off with their heads.
Running time: 115 minutes. Rated PG- 13 (sex, violence). At the Empire, the Lincoln Square, the Battery Park City, others.