I was kind of rough on “Apocalypto,” which in
retrospect seems like a minor classic compared to “10,000 BC,” in which Mel Gibson’s adventure and many another are processed through Roland Emmerich’s cheese factory.
At his best, the cliché-loving Emmerich turns out smooth crowd-pleasers like “Independence Day” or “The Day After Tomorrow.” His latest effort is from the dopier end of his special-effects-oriented output, somewhere between “Stargate” and “Poseidon.”
“10,000 BC” is set in unspecified mountains where a tribe that speaks more or less perfect English has adopted Evolet (Camilla Belle), the sole survivor of a blue-eyed tribe (shades of “The Clan of the Cave Bear”) whose members apparently discovered mascara many centuries before previously realized.
Evolet captures the eye of a handsome young hunter named D’Leh (wooden newcomer Steven Strait), who apparently has a razor and possibly an exercise machine hidden behind the rocks.
While D’Leh is off hunting woolly mammoths, Evolet and several members of D’Leh’s tribe are captured by “four-legged demons” – some Arab-esque villains on horseback.
A character named Old
Mother instructs D’Leh – whose father abandoned the tribe when D’Leh was a child – to follow Evolet and rescue her to fulfill an ancient prophecy.
D’Leh and his small band cross over picturesque landscapes – this part was filmed in New Zealand, others in South Africa and Namibia – and apparently turn up in Africa, where they join forces with tribes of blacks whose members have also been taken prisoners.
The “four-legged demons” (or whatever) are using the slaves and woolly mammoths to – you guessed it – build pyramids for a mysterious, mostly unseen ruler known as The Almighty, who may or may not have arrived from outer space.
Some of the pyramids look like something that might have been designed by the Depression-era Works Progress Administration, but then this is a movie that mixes and matches centuries and continents at will.
Miss Belle, alas, is no Raquel Welch – who graced a million college dorm rooms in a poster for the 1966 flick called “One Million Years B.C.,” which in addition to being a remake of a 1940 movie is clearly one of Emmerich’s many sources of, uh, inspiration.
While the special effects are top notch – particularly the saber-toothed tigers – the humans are dull, the dialogue is ridiculous, and anyone expecting a repeat of the action in “300” is going to be sorely disappointed with this bloodless PG-13 adventure.
Written by Emmerich with some help from one Harold Kloser (also credited with the droning score), “10,000 BC” is as rambling as the narration delivered by Omar Sharif, who wisely never turns up on-screen.