PORT ST. LUCIE – Of course the Mets should enlist Barry Bonds. He fits their program perfectly. He is old, injury prone and very likely will not respect the manager.
Really the Mets should not stop there. Why just have Bonds? They should sign Sammy Sosa, too, and have a lefty-righty platoon that would have a combined 1,371 homers and 80 years of age. It would work wonderfully because in times of trouble, Sosa would forget how to speak English and Bonds would simply forget how to speak.
And maybe, as protection for the Jurassic Orlando Hernandez, the Mets could sign Roger Clemens. They once drafted him in the 12th round. That was 1981 – or the year Hernandez turned 30.
It would be great to have Clemens and Bonds on the same team. Bonds could tell Clemens all about the joys of being indicted for perjury. They could have arguments about what is more helpful to the human body: flaxseed oil or B-12.
Heck, Clemens did his best work with Brian McNamee as his trainer, and he is unemployed, as well. What a reunion that would be. Maybe bring Mike Piazza in to catch – that would be baseballs, not bats, Roger. The Mets could have Dr. Phil Day at Shea. Go all the way with the reunions and bring back Kirk Radomski to work the visiting clubhouse, too.
Talk about a team with a lot of juice
Right now all 30 teams have shunned Bonds. But I can see why certain baseball geniuses would advocate that the Mets step out and get him. Just look at his on-base percentage! Never mind the potential disruption that might come from your starting left fielder having to go to jail at some point. There is a pennant to win and, hey, maybe Bonds can simply get away with wearing one of those ankle monitors. It is not like it will slow him down in the field any more than old age and indifference already have.
Is he in shape? Would he play for a pittance? Could he exist in a clubhouse that does not revolve around him?
Who cares? Look at that slugging percentage!
“We have Moises Alou coming back, hopefully by the end of April,” Omar Minaya said. “When he comes back, what happens then [with Bonds]?”
What do you mean what happens? He becomes the team’s goodwill ambassador. Or maybe he just forms a platoon with Alou. Right now, Alou is the oldest outfielder in the majors. Having Bonds around would make him feel younger than Abigail Breslin. Isn’t that worth a contract for Old Mr. Sunshine?
The Mets, in fact, project as having the oldest average age in the NL. It might have been the Giants, but even they finally got sick of Bonds’ act – well, at least after draining all the money-making possibilities out of him. The Mets are sensitive to this issue of age. Minaya, who is normally Sponge-Bob pleasant, goes Dick Cheney trapped at a MoveOn.org fundraiser when the graying status of his club is mentioned.
One team official actually said yesterday that if Mike Pelfrey makes the rotation, the Mets would have three starters 27 or younger, and that they have four position players 30 or younger. When it was pointed out that Pelfrey only would make the rotation because of the frailty of Hernandez and one of the 30-and-under starters would be Endy Chavez in place of Alou, the official laughed. Spin is such a wonderful thing.
So you can definitely spin Bonds rather than Chavez. Sell the idea of Bonds as a changed man. Juggling for kids and keeping the clubhouse light with his wit. After all, wasn’t that Hernandez in the bullpen yet again yesterday working on a new delivery to alleviate the pain in his right foot? If you can teach an old Duque new tricks, why not Bonds? It is uncertain whether Hernandez is ever actually going to make it into a game, but he looks sure to lead the majors in bullpen sessions and simulated games.
In fact, the only healthy positional Mets this spring have been David Wright and Jose Reyes, the two youngest. But that is probably just coincidence. Besides, Bonds is probably refreshed from not playing and sitting so much to talk to his lawyers.
You just see what a perfect marriage Bonds and the Mets would be. Kind of like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.