Entertainment

FEELIN’ GURU-VY

The “Eat, Pray, Love” protagonist has one. Mike Myers’ new movie, opening tomorrow, makes fun of them. But c’mon, unenlightened Western friend, admit it.

You totally want your own guru.

MORE: Full Interviews With Gurus

Beard, long hair, flowing scarves, jangly bracelets. Maybe even some funky incense and a super-cute flowery robe?

Yeah, well, prepare to get laughed out of the temple.

“It’s a sacred subject,” says Rob Sidon, the spokesman for Amma, a widely loved female guru who is known as “the hugging saint” and considered by some to be on par with the Dalai Lama. “It really gets banalized by movies. It’s probably the most deeply mystical kind of thing out there. Ultimately people say you don’t find the guru, the guru finds you.”

Guru-ing up is hard work. But don’t worry. Even if you don’t think you have the patience to pursue the quest for a total transcending of your ego, The Post is here to help!

Lesson No. 1: Get over your stupid conceptions. “It’s not about being super new age-y,” explains a friend, who is Indian and regards the idea that this could be considered a “trend” the way someone might view taking a college class from a professor as a fad. “A guru serves as your guide.”

Lesson No. 2: Find an Indian friend who won’t roll her eyes at you when you say, “I want to find a guru.” Thankfully, mine is being very patient with my millions of questions. Should I have to pay for a guru? No. Do people “worship” or “believe” in a guru the way they do, say, Jesus or Buddha? No. Can anyone, regardless of religion, have a guru? Yes. Do you have to actually meet the guru to call him or her your own guru? No. Does the guru even still have to be alive? No. Should I just Google the word “guru”? For the love of Jesus and Buddha, no.

Lesson No. 3: It’s kind of like finding an amazing hairdresser – you have to trust the source. For the past two months I’ve asked every yoga teacher, acupuncturist and Indian friend I have to give me their best recommendations. From this list of dozens of names (everyone from the little-publicized “Eat, Pray, Love” guru Gurumayi Chidvilasanada to Sathya Sai Baba), I decide to investigate three as possibilities: Amma (amma.org), Dada Vaswani (sadhuvaswani.org) and Swami Parthasarathy (vedantaworld.org).

Lesson No. 4: Best to have a thick skin. “We cannot set out in search of a guru,” chides Vaswani. Transfixing in his eloquence, he lists marks of a true guru (read the entire interview at nypost.com), but what captures my attention the most is his philosophy regarding life. “He wants nothing for himself,” he says of spiritual enlightenment. I try, just for the hell of it, wanting nothing. Suddenly, my frantic headache is gone. So far, Dada is ahead.

Lesson No. 5: Be prepared to be told that everything that sucks in your life is your fault. Next, when I reach Parthasarathy by phone in England, he tells me: “You are the architect of your fortune. You are the architect of your misfortune.” I agree with this, and he says you have to keep desires in check, otherwise he might ask me on a date. I dig this guy. But it’s Dada’s teachings that are still ringing in my brain.

Lesson No. 6: Let yourself be hugged. I’ve been told about Amma more than any other guru. Maybe that’s because her hugs, without fail, make the most jaded, cynical person cry. Just weep, openly. (Don’t believe me? She’s coming to New York this summer, and you can wait on line July 8-10 at Manhattan Center to be received by her.) “She is this woman cradling 27 million people,” says her spokesman, Sidon. Even the most cynical authors such as Sarah MacDonald, who wrote a travelogue of India in “Holy Cow,” talks about the effect that Amma has with her embrace.

But – there’s one last choice to be made. “You may read books on spirituality,” Vaswani concludes.

“But they will not take you even one step further. It is only light that kindles light. And a guru is a blazing light.”

mstadtmiller@nypost.com

Terms of Indira-ment

From ashram to Vishnu, drop lingo like your name rhymes with Schmeepak Schmopra!

* ashram: a secluded religious group house

* aspirant: a seeker of knowledge

* baba: a phrase of respect applied to holy men

* Brahma: Hindu God of creation

* darshan: in the presence of a sacred person or place

* dharma: duty

* -ji: a term of respect, used as a suffix

* mantra: sacred word or phrase used in prayer

* pranam: to bow or fold hands with respect

* Shiva: Hindu God of destruction

* swami: Hindu religious teacher or guru

* Vishnu: Hindu God of preservation