Headaches? Stomach pains? Trouble sleeping? If your child is exhibiting one or more of these symptoms, before surmising that he’s caught a bug, consider it may be his overpacked schedule that’s making him sick.
“Psychosomatic signs occur in children — like throwing up before Tae Kwon Do or piano lessons — even before they tell you they’re stressed,” says Madeline Levine, Ph.D., a clinician, educator and the author of “Teach Your Children Well: Why Values and Coping Skills Matter More Than Grades, Trophies, or ‘Fat Envelopes.’ ”
It’s tough being a New York City schoolkid. New Common Core standards mean tougher tests and higher standards. With open enrollment in our city high schools, getting into a top choice means seventh- and eighth-graders face the same pressures as high schoolers trying to get into an Ivy League college. And once you’re in high school, there’s pressure to not only excel academically, but join the sports, charities and extracurricular activities that will make you stand out from the crowd.
So, if we can offer one overriding piece of advice in this section, for all grade levels, it’s this: Have fun. Relax.
“When I was a girl, we came home from school and played until the lights came on for dinner. But today’s kids have a constant pressure on them,” Levine adds. “After-school activities are unbelievably hypercompetitive. Parents have tremendous anxiety about their kids getting in to brand-name schools and wondering if they’ll make a good living. This hysteria is misplaced.”
While kids may be talented in certain areas, “It’s really seduction for parents. But kids don’t necessarily love everything they’re good at. And they don’t necessarily get better at it if it’s not coming from a place inside. Can you imagine doing something you hate three times a week? There’s nothing to be gained.”
Instead, “A parent’s task should be to expose a child to a whole bunch of things. It’s an exploratory, the-world-is-your-oyster time. Kids really won’t have that opportunity again.”
And, while many parents want their kids to attend better colleges than they did, “Your greatest job as a parent is to see the child in front of you — and where their interests and capacities lie — not the fantasy child we call carry inside of us,” Levine says. “Once we project this onto them, we miss the opportunity to get to know and develop the child waiting to blossom in there.”
The dangers of overscheduling your kid are alarming. Emotional problems, including full-blown anxiety disorders, are pervasive, according to Levine. “Many of these kids don’t get enough sleep and have to take Adderall to stay up.”
Coping skills are another area of child development that this population lacks.
“Kids need time, space and air to grow up. These kids have no time to stare at the ceiling to construct an inner sense of self. Their parents typically intervene to solve their problems,” she says.
“Most kids are not straight-A kids. Be enthusiastic about what your kid is enthusiastic about — it doesn’t really matter what it is,” Levine says. “The head of the botany department at one of the country’s biggest universities right now was terrible in sports but oddly obsessed with plants as a youngster. Perseverance, grip and all the qualities that go in to being a good worker and good person in the world are the keys to developing a healthy sense of self.”
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Chill out!: Tips on keeping kids sane, from Dr. Madeline Levine
Don’t over-program your child.
Children should, at most, have three extracurricular activities — one social, one physical and one artistic. Take a close look at your child’s schedule with your child and whittle it down. You may find that the soccer team you thought he loved is way down on his list. Keep his top two and suspend the rest.
Do not compare your child’s achievements with those of other children.
Kids are exquisitely tuned to their parents’ emotions and if you’re disappointed that your child can’t hit a ball, wasn’t invited to the popular girl’s sleepover or isn’t in the top reading group, then your attitude is enough to tell them that they don’t measure up. The best medicine is encouragement.
Don’t pigeonhole your child.
One of the most disturbing trends in child rearing is early specialization. This prematurely cuts off options for your children. It can be very seductive to have your athletically talented youngster join the travel team at age 8. But it also means that you will be spending every weekend in transit while your child never gets to find out if he’s also musically inclined, an avid naturalist or a budding artist.
Don’t be disappointed.
Think of something you were once profoundly enthusiastic about and how that may have changed. Part of your job is to encourage persistence and responsibility. Insist that your child give his activities a good try. But don’t expect that things that were engaging at 8 will necessarily be engaging at 12.
Don’t insist on your child’s “best effort”at absolutely everything.
Talented people lean in to areas of strength and have hobbies where standards are less exacting. Too often good kids are being criticized for now putting their “best effort” in to the most trivial things.
Don’t pounce on every activity your child enjoys with an invitation to take lessons. One of the quickest ways to discourage a child’s budding interest is to take it out of the realm of play and turn it into one more organized activity.
Get outside.
Young children learn through their senses. The natural world offers unparalleled opportunities for developing our children’s powers of observation, compassion, self-esteem and self-reliance. Nature generally moves at the slow pace that children are most comfortable with. No child is better off in front of a computer or practicing the times tables.
Don’t downgrade the importance of play.
Parents who are consistently vigilant about helping their children “achieve” are neglecting perhaps the most effective ways to advance achievement. It is unstructured play that stimulates imagination, and it is imagination that is the underpinning of creativity and ultimately innovation.