Kids, step away from the bimbos.
It is beyond debate that Charlie Sheen, a guy with “tiger blood and Adonis genes,” who believes “dying is for amateurs” while “banging 7-gram rocks” and a pair of blondes who don’t possess a functioning brain cell between them, is categorically looney toons.
So why does every grown woman who crosses Charlie’s path turn into a cheap hooker? And men, from Mel Gibson to dad Martin Sheen to producer Chuck Lorre, become pitiful enablers?
So desperate are gals for Charlie’s affection, his money, or a taste of his “winning!” personality — certainly not his looks — they eagerly disgrace themselves and endanger minor children in an effort to assist the erratic whore-hound’s descent into what he calls “this particular terrestrial realm.”
“My God! His kids shouldn’t just be taken away [as they were Tuesday]. They should be hypnotized into forgetting he’s their father!” said Lori Burns, a mom from Queens.
But Charlie, 45, thinks he’s a role model. “Talk about an education!” he crowed when asked if he embarrassed his five kids. “Wow — winning!”
Brooke Mueller (pictured with Sheen) is Charlie’s soon-to-be-ex wife. Until Tuesday night, the lady who endured a knife to the throat at Charlie’s hands recklessly allowed the couple’s twin boys, Bob and Max, almost 2, to be taken into her ex’s fun house. The home includes Dad’s “goddesses” — a porn star and a marijuana magazine model who share a bed, “doing whatever Charlie wants us to do,” said one of the interchangeable bimbettes, I forget which.
Were this not celeb-worshiping California, child services might have freaked long ago. But Mueller was so happy including her kids in the madness, last month she made it a ménage à quatre — traveling to the Bahamas with Charlie, his babes and the babies.
“Exposing his kids to threesome parades is despicable!” said another alarmed mom, Pat White. “He flaunts his love for cheap sex in front of the children.”
Mueller left the Bahamas love nest, without the children, after she and Charlie fought. Tuesday night, she took the boys away — not because the home is unhealthy or unsanitary, but because, she now claims, Charlie is an anti-Semite who threatened to behead her. He says she’s on drugs.
Denise Richards is no better.
The actress is mother to Charlie’s girls, Sam, 6, and Lola, 5. Last October, she traveled with him and the kids to The Plaza hotel, getting photographed with Charlie’s favorite porn star. She let her kids sleep across the hall from a suite that Charlie trashed, as a naked porn queen cowered in a bathroom.
Then, she defended him.
“It’s easy to judge on the outside. No one knows what’s really going on behind closed doors,” Richards fumed last month at New York’s Fashion Week.
Dad Martin Sheen didn’t help by comparing Charlie’s addictions to “cancer.” This enrages cancer survivors I know, by suggesting the actor is a powerless victim. It also doesn’t help that Charlie got a sympathy call from Mel Gibson, whose madness he’s rapidly eclipsing. And as Charlie imploded, the American public turned in to “Two and a Half Men” in huge numbers.
He can’t lose!
Even Chuck Lorre, the producer with whom Charlie is at war, covered for him for years before passive-aggressively needling him, writing, “If he outlives me, I’ll be really pissed.” Some tough love.
“From a clinical perspective, I think he’s in trouble,” said Dr. Alan Hilfer, chief psychologist at Brooklyn’s Maimonides Medical Center. “Do celebrities get to play by different rules than the rest of us? Apparently, they do. I would say his kids probably would have to deal with an awful lot of stuff as they’re growing up.”
With no adult present, the only solution is to keep Charlie Sheen 100 yards from children.
The mothers will answer for themselves.
A-LISTERS PARTY AS HOST D-GRADES
Billionaire pervert Jeffrey Epstein is in a bromance with Britain’s idiot Prince Andrew. He threw a party at his East 71st Street mansion, where guests reportedly included Katie Couric, Charlie Rose, George Stephanopolous and Woody Allen. It’s easy to see why the financier can’t fathom that he’s a monster.
“I’m not a sexual predator, I’m an ‘offender,’ ” Epstein told The Post last week. “It’s the difference between a murderer and a person who steals a bagel.” Mm-kay.
Epstein roams Manhattan off his leash after doing time in Florida for soliciting a prostitute and a minor, which made him a Level 3 sex offender — the scum of the earth. Still, Epstein’s name, but not his New York address, is listed on a government Web site that warns neighbors about the whereabouts of sex fiends, because Epstein considers the abode a “temporary” residence.
Royalty or commoner, watch your kids.
Teen got a bum steer
John Jacobs lives in a homeless shelter. Jeannette Traylor, who earns $90,000 a year as a court clerk, has a stable home. Guess which one was granted custody of the pair’s teenage son.
Brooklyn Family Court Judge Bernard Graham last month removed the 17-year-old boy from the arms of his mother and dumped him in a shelter with Dad, while stripping Mom’s visitation rights. Insane.
In making his decision, Judge Graham blasted the mother — for being “quick to offer barbed criticism of the court and the legal process.” Was this boy punished because his mom complained about the judge?
“If I was in a cardboard box and if it was better for my son, so be it,” the victorious dad told The Post. This asinine ruling can’t stand.
Invading Ken’s closet space
Did Anne Hathaway out Ken?
The worst Oscars show ever opened with the hyperactive “Devil Wears Prada” star declaring last year “a great year for lesbians!” Hathaway’s somnambulant co-host, James Franco, responded, “The Kids are All Right”?
Hathaway chirped, “Lesbians!” Franco said, “Back Swan”? Hathaway bleated, “Dancing Lesbians!” Franco said, “Toy Story 3”?
Hathaway cried, “Where’s the dad?” It turns out that the Ken character in “Toy Story,” a bare-chested, ascot-wearing cartoon plaything, is seen by moviegoers as a stereotypically swishy plant. Transgender?
Dumb way to celebrate homoerotic toys.
He’s a heil-luva guy
Fired Dior designer John Galliano said, “I love Hitler” on videotape. Fashion apologists shrug.
“Chanel liked Nazis, too,” The New Yorker’s Judith Thurman told Style.com. Model Chanel Iman called Galliano “loving” and “caring.” Designer Roberto Cavalli said, “I don’t believe [it] . . . He’s such a wonderful person.” Giorgio Armani said, “I am also very sorry that they videotaped him without him knowing.”
Dang, cameras always ruin anti-Semitic fun.