Matt Damon and Emily Blunt in “The Adjustment Bureau.” (©Universal)
Just when I thought I’d seen everything, here’s a thriller where the hero’s biggest challenge is finding a cab in lower Manhattan during rush hour.
The misleading trailers for the supremely goofy “The Adjustment Bureau” promise action-packed sci-fi. What you actually get is a love-struck Matt Damon running for the US Senate as he’s stalked by fedora-wearing angels.
Among other things, they have the power to make cabs unavailable and drop cellphone calls — you mean that actually requires divine intervention?
PHOTOS: ‘THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU’ FILMING IN NEW YORK
These angels have no influence with the editors of the New York Post, who just before the election publish a photo of Damon mooning his pals at a college reunion.
The photo derails Damon’s candidacy, but an innocent men’s room encounter with a dancer (the delicious Emily Blunt) somehow inspires him to give a concession speech that provides new momentum for his political career.
A second meeting with her a few days later on a bus leads Damon to accidentally discover that his life has been manipulated since birth by angels (who prefer to be referred to as “case officers”). They are following “The Plan,” which a supervisor, (played by John Slattery), sternly informs Damon means no more Blunt, with whom our hero, of course, has become seriously smitten.
Maybe it’s just me, but when I hear the “Mad Men” star talk about an “attitude adjustment” with Damon’s best friend/campaign manager (Eliot Spitzer look-alike Michael Kelly), it’s hard not to think about Happy Hour.
It’s totally unclear why Damon acquiesces to the God Squad — the worst harm these guys can inflict on someone is a sprained ankle.
All heck breaks loose when Damon has another totally random encounter with Blunt three years later, just as he’s about to launch a second campaign, apparently for New York’s other US Senate seat. One of the film’s many mysteries is why is he so far ahead in the polls when Damon’s campaign seems to consist of severely under-populated rallies, appearances on “The Daily Show” and an endorsement by Mayor Bloomberg.
Slattery is quickly replaced by his boss, Terrence Stamp. Presumably because Slattery couldn’t keep a straight face while explaining that “The Chairman” (i.e., God) has suspended Free Will since the Cuban Missile Crisis and his minions have “protected” Mankind from their worst instincts ever since. Apparently the angels had a company picnic on 9/11.Stamp lays down the law — Blunt will be “teaching 6-year-olds” instead of “becoming one of the world’s most famous dancers and choreographers” if she marries Damon. This is quite a howler, given that Blunt’s moves resemble an epileptic fit.
Damon gives her up again until his guardian angel announces her impending marriage and roguishly offers to help him. This angel is played by Anthony Mackie — doing a fairly close approximation of Will Smith’s angel in Damon’s earlier brush with the supernatural, “The Legend of Bagger Vance.”
A chase involving magical doors that can instantly take you from MoMA to the outfield at Yankee Stadium might bring to mind “Inception.” Unfortunately, requiring travelers to wear a fedora and open the knob only to the left makes it play more like “Men in Black.”
In fact, writer-director George Nolfi (loosely adapting a story by sci-fi icon Philip K. Dick) could have turned “The Adjustment Bureau” — filled as it is with arbitrary plot twists, great Manhattan locations and a pair of stars with genuine chemistry — into a romantic comedy with very little effort.
While it’s not a solemn disaster on the order of last fall’s “Hereafter” — the one where an anguished Damon basically delivered tweets from dead people — those actually expecting thrills are likely to be disappointed with a flick where the biggest suspense is who might be playing The Chairman. Who never shows up.
Given that The Chairman works out of 30 Rock — headquarters for GE, Universal Pictures’ corporate owner when this movie was shot — I’m inclined to guess He was busy arranging the studio’s recent sale to Comcast.
lou.lumenick@nypost.com