I recently reconnected with a platonic girlfriend from California who I’ve known for 17 years. We were always close and she’s visited me several times — always without shenanigans. After many years of estrangement, we reconnected last December, and I’m now getting phone calls and texts late at night. At first, I thought they were for advice on the men she’s dating because she’d mention all her recent hook-ups, but they seem sexual toward me, too. What gives? She knows I wanted to take things to another level years ago, so how do I tell her she’s lost her shot? She wants to visit again this summer, but if I give her the green light, I’m worried she may expect something from me that I don’t want to give. — Scott, Aberdeen, NJ
Wait one second: Years ago you expressed your interest in her — without taking it beyond the “just friends” zone — and then you both went your separate ways? (I have to assume it was because she didn’t feel the same way toward you.) Now, after several years passed, you’ve reconnected and, out of nowhere, she’s telling you about all of her recent hook-ups around town? How rude! I wouldn’t just be pissed off — I’d be turned off. And I’d tell her just that.
Say, “Look, I don’t find your escapades attractive one bit. It’s not sexy to picture someone I once liked screwing other guys. I’m not interested in having you come stay with me, and I’m not interested in being the guy you call late at night to discuss your newfound success in casual sex. But always remember to use a rubber!” Click.
It’s inappropriate and disrespectful of her to be telling you about her romps with other guys. I don’t think it’s an attempt to hook up with you. I’ve heard of reverse psychology, but in this case, it’s taking it too far. Either she still sees your relationship as platonic, or has a weird way of trying to show you she’s interested. I’m leaning more toward the first one. But hey, she could just be that clueless.
My wife and I have been married for three years, but together for 16, and have two beautiful daughters. Recently, something initiated a sense of unhappiness in my wife’s life, and I don’t know what it is. She claims to still care for me, but says she needs time for herself and feels it’s best for me to leave. I suggested therapy, but she doesn’t want to. What do you advise?— Richie, 38
You guys have been together for 16 years. I’m not sure if she’s older or younger than you, but most of the time you change dramatically between your early 20s and 30s. I’m curious why you waited 13 years before you got married. Were you just not sure? Usually, when you’re not certain about it in the beginning, it’s a sign that it’ll be difficult to keep it all together as you mature as a unit. Sometimes, rather than grow together, you’ll grow in opposite directions and ultimately apart.
Now, maybe she really just needs some time to herself to work these things out. If she hasn’t mentioned divorce, stand by and support her wishes as best as you can. Maybe you two can “separate” within the house, allowing you to at least be part of your daughters’ lives while still giving her the physical and emotional space she needs.
But I truly believe therapy sessions — not you moving out — will allow her to discover what caused her to lose her spark and when. If she’s so adamant about not speaking to someone though, I have to wonder if there’s someone else in the picture.
Usually, when someone isn’t happy, support from their partner will encourage them to take the necessary steps to get back to that place. But if she isn’t responding to your encouragement, then ask her if there’s another man involved. Whatever answer she gives you — whether it be the true one or a lie to escape it — if she’s not willing to work on your marriage, there’s nothing more you can do but respect her wishes. At the end of the day, you’ll be respecting yourself, too.
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