For the fourth time, The Post asked the best comics in America for their favorites jokes of the past year. Not just the ones they wrote and told, but also the ones they heard from their peers. Just in time for April Fool’s Day, we published 50 of the best jests in today’s paper. Here are all of those jokes, plus an extra 100 — just for laughs.
1. LISA LAMPANELLI
Don’t get me started on “The Real Housewives of New Jersey!” One of them even has a sex tape out! Hey, if I wanna see a mangy cougar having rough sex, I’ll watch the Discovery Channel.
2. RICKY GERVAIS
Hugh Hefner is getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris. When asked why she was marrying him, she replied, “Because he lied about his age. He told me he was 94.”
3. JOAN RIVERS
Happy to be back in NY! There’s nothing more comforting than coming home to a city where you are suspicious of people who are nice to you.
4. WAYNE FEDERMAN
I’ve come to really admire Woody Allen. It’s been 14 years, and he’s still married to the same daughter.
5. PATRICE O’NEAL
Ladies, let’s discuss harassment for a second. Why can’t I harass you?
6. BILL MAHER
You know why the Democrats’ symbol is the letter “D”? Because it’s a grade that means, “good enough, but just barely.” You know why the Republicans’ symbol is “R”? Because it’s the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark.
7. GREG GIRALDO
(At the Comedy Central roast of David Hasselhoff)
George Hamilton, you’re like a walking tumor. Not exactly. It’s a big deal when you spot a tumor.
(Lisa Lampanelli’s favorite)
8. DAVE ATTELL
I am done with reality TV. I have no idea what I’m watching. Is this “Jersey Shore” or a really long Olive Garden commercial?
9. JUDAH FRIEDLANDER
I’m always a step ahead. I just watched tomorrow’s “Today” show tonight.
10. LOUIS KATZ
A good vegan meal is like a good Christian rock band. Even when it’s kind of good, it still really sucks.
11. JIM NORTON
They’re talking about putting a mosque very close to Ground Zero. I don’t think they should — it’s like putting a condom machine in the lobby of a rape-crisis center.
12. BRUCE CHERRY
My friend is afraid of rats. I told him that rats are more afraid of him. I said, “Rats avoid people like the plague.” Then I realized — rats aren’t very good at avoiding the plague.
13. TOM PAPA
It’s not that men don’t want to get married — we just aren’t prepared for it. Girls think about it their entire lives. When I was a little boy, I never got together with my friends and said, “Let’s play married. Let’s pretend I just came home from the store and bought all the wrong stuff, and you yell at me.”
14. SARA BENINCASA
I think every bar is a mitzvah.
15. MORGAN MURPHY
I think “Dateline” should just be called “If You Marry a Doctor, He Will Kill You.”
16. AMY SCHUMER
I’m not slutty at all. I’ve only slept with four people. And that was a weird night.
17. CONAN O’BRIEN
This is an exciting night. The truth is, I’ve dreamed of being a talk-show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.
(Chelsea White’s favorite)
18. CRAIG BALDO
Racist topics make me nervous. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends I’m hopping the N train.
19. SHENG WANG
I’m strangely impressed by obese vegetarians. To me, it’s like saying, “I’m gonna live life unhealthy — the hard way.”
(Louis Katz’s favorite)
20. SETH HERZOG
The only reason people are complaining about the security “pat-downs” is because the TSA agents aren’t hot enough.
21. MYQ KAPLAN
If you don’t have anything nice to say, type it anonymously onto an Internet forum.
22. ANTHONY JESELNIK
I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer. But no one will do it.
23. PENN JILLETTE
For their 40th anniversary, Starbucks has a new logo. They also have a new drink coming out. It’s sugar-free, fat-free and has no whipped cream. It’s called coffee.
24. MICHELLE BUTEAU
People always ask me, “You’re black, but how’d you get so light?” Like it’s a recipe or something. It’s called Colonialism.
25. BOBBY SLAYTON
The term “sex addict” makes it sound like sex is a drug. And I guess after 23 years of marriage, in my house it is a controlled substance.
(David Brenner’s favorite)
26. ROBERT DUCHAINE
Women complain men don’t have any emotions. We have the same emotions as you, we just don’t go through every one of them every single day.
(Bobby Slayton’s favorite)
27. GARRY SHANDLING
Sarah Palin has said that she is considering running for president in 2012. Is it a coincidence that that’s the year the Mayan calendar ends?
28. BERNADETTE PAULEY
My husband recently informed me that I’d be “cuter if I’d just put a little self-tanner all over myself.” I thanked him for the tip and replied, “You know what I think would look good all over me? Your friend Steve.”
29. ROB HUEBEL
The Taco Bell drive-through is a great way to meet other people who are in denial about how horribly their life has turned out.
30. RON WHITE
My cousins and I used to talk about having a contest about who would get married first. I came in second, fourth and seventh.
31. WANDA SYKES
It’s harder being gay than being black. There’s some things that I had to do as gay that I didn’t have to do as black. I didn’t have to come out black. I didn’t have to sit my parents down and tell them about my blackness. “Mom, Dad — I have to tell y’all something. I hope you still love me. Mom, Dad — I’m black.” “Oh lawd Jesus, she didn’t just say ‘I’m black.’ It was ‘Soul Train,’ wasn’t it?”
(Robin Cloud’s favorite)
32. JORDAN RUBIN
I hate it when I go to text my ex-girlfriend but accidentally leave her 40 voicemails instead.
33. TINA FEY
All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, “I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. How you livin’?”
(Kara Klenk’s favorite)
34. COLIN QUINN
Everywhere the Jews went, they got chased out immediately. That’s why shalom means “hello,” “goodbye” and “peace.” Because that’s their story. “We’re here, we’re leaving, don’t hit us.”
(Rich Vos’ favorite)
35. RICHARD LEWIS
My family is not spontaneous. Once we were driving across the country, and we were backing out of our driveway in Teaneck, NJ, and I heard something jingling in the front seat. I asked my mother, “What’s that?” She said, “Nothing! Nothing!” It was the toll for the Golden Gate Bridge.
(Cathy Ladman’s favorite)
36. LEWIS BLACK
I’d accept Sarah Palin as a candidate for president if she ran from Farmville. She could do her commercials standing around with cartoon chickens, pigs and she could point over to Russian Farmville. I wouldn’t vote for her, but I would poke her. And I’d like it.
37. KATHLEEN MADIGAN
In Afghanistan, a general said, “It’s amazing what the US military is doing here. To date, we’ve built 500 miles of new roads, 15 new schools and 20 new police departments.” I thought, “Wow, that is amazing. When we’re done here we should invade Detroit.”
(Lewis Black’s favorite)
38. JOY BEHAR
Lots of people are coming to Gilbert Gottfried’s defense after he was fired. Even Sarah Palin, who offered to shoot the Aflac duck.
39. RODNEY LANEY
Cellphones have ruined relationships. Because it’s instant access. Before cellphones, you had all day to get your story together.
40. GARY GULMAN
I will never forgive the nectarine for ripping off the peach. A shave does not make you a new fruit.
41. TAMMY PESCATELLI
Schools across the country have implemented a policy that every kid who tries out makes the team. Then who the hell is in the band?
42. DOUG BENSON
I have HIV. But don’t worry. I still get to draw four more Scrabble tiles.
43. KAY CANNON
Relationships are like sharks. If you’re not left with several bite marks after intercourse, then something’s wrong. (dialogue from “30 Rock”)
44. WHITNEY CUMMINGS
Guys wear jerseys for teams they’re not even on. That’s like me watching “Grey’s Anatomy” in scrubs.
45. MICHAEL VECCHIONE
Volunteer firefighters are so cocky. It’s like they are saying to regular firefighters: “I can do your entire job in my spare time.”
46. JACKIE MASON
Obama ran on a platform of change and he stayed true to his word because that’s all everyone has left in their pockets — change.
47. JOE DEVITO
Lance Armstrong finally retired from pro cycling. I guess he’s taking his ball and going home.
48. JEFFREY ROSS
I was so sad when I heard that Gary Coleman passed away this year from multiple aneurysms. Which is kinda like “Diff’rent Strokes.”
49. MARC MARON
I really thought I was over my divorce but I was wrong. When I heard my ex-wife had had a baby, my first thought was, “Oh, that’s your move? I get it. You had a baby at me. A spite baby.”
50. JUDY GOLD
After the big snowstorm, they weren’t picking up the garbage on my street, so I called 311. There was a message saying, “If you’re calling about garbage pickup, we’re not taking complaints at this time.” I thought, “We live on an island full of Jews, and you’re telling us we can’t complain?” I don’t think so!
51. MEGAN AMRAM
I’m giving up spell check for Lant.
(Jordan Rubin’s favorite)
52. JAMIE KENNEDY
The funny thing about beards is that the first week you start to grow it, people don’t know whether you’re growing a beard, or your life is falling apart.
53. KEVIN NEALON
Lots of notable people are straying in their marriages. I sort of understand that, because I, too, have a wandering eye. But luckily, my other eye is a lazy eye. So it’s a push.
(Garry Shandling’s favorite)
54. PAUL SCHEER
They’re taking the N-word out of “Huckleberry Finn,” but they’re putting it into “Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret.” So I guess it balances out.
55. GARY SHAPIRO
I like Usher, but he should’ve named himself something more prestigious — like maitre d’ or concierge.
(Richard Belzer’s favorite )
56. JOHN MULANEY
I got a massage a couple weeks ago, and the woman in the massage room told me to “undress to my comfort level.” So I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants. And I felt safe.
57. TED ALEXANDRO
I am 42 years old, single, never married, no kids. I did it! I made it through the maze. Let me tell you something, if you are in your twenties or thirties, just hold on because it is beautiful on the other side of that rainbow. You don’t hear enough about it. You don’t have enough role models. It’s pretty much me and George Clooney, I think.
(Jon Fisch’s favorite)
58. JON STEWART
(On Libya) Don’t we already have two wars? You know wars aren’t kids, where you don’t have to pay attention to the youngest one because the older two will take care of it.
(Jimmy Tingle’s favorite)
59. JOHN FUGELSANG
Half of the hot women at the Greenwich Village Halloween parade are actually only hot.
60. KEVIN BARNETT
It’s tough trying to find a costume as a black person. Just for once I want to go to a costume party dressed as Wolverine — and not Black Wolverine.
61. MIKE LAWRENCE
I’m excited about the Spider-Man musical. It’s got my two favorite things: superheroes and failure.
62. TOM SHILLUE
I heard a radio ad the other day that began, “Are you suffering from credit card debt?” Suffering? Isn’t that like asking, “Could you or your loved ones have been unknowingly exposed to irresponsibility?”
63. TOM GREEN
There’s been a lot of speculation, but the truth is, no one knows exactly how old Khadafy is. He’s like the Libyan version of Regis.
64. MARIA BAMFORD
I can’t listen to love songs anymore. They set expectations too high. They should have little safety disclaimers after each verse: “I would cross an ocean for you (if that ocean led to an English-speaking country, because at this point in my life, it’d be really difficult to learn a second language fluently, not to mention the anti-American sentiment. We’d have to talk about it.)”
65. DANA GOULD
My kids have been playing Beatles Rock Band for so long, they now have scraggly beards and don’t speak to each other.
66. BONNIE McFARLANE
Everybody knows you’re not supposed to give homeless people money because I think we all know what they want to spend the money on — a home. And the last thing we need is more high-risk buyers in the market right now, so don’t do it!
67. KYLE KINANE
I bet my neighbors would want to hear how much acoustic guitar I’ve learned from the Internet over the past few days right now.
68. AARON KARO
The “Signature Cocktails” page of the drinks menu should just be titled “Women’s Section.”
69. NICK VATTEROTT
The heck with Science, I’m donating my body to Spelling.
70. TJ MILLER
If you’re a girl who says, “That’s so random,” a lot, you’re right, that is random. But you know what’s consistent? My hatred for you.
71. COLIN JOST
I saw a Chinese restaurant called “Lucky Chicken.” I disagree.
72. JON FISCH
Hugh Hefner got engaged to a 24-year-old. He’s 84. That’s 60 years — an entire old person in between them. It gives me hope, though, because I’m single. I want to get married — maybe I haven’t met the right girl because she hasn’t been born yet.
73. GENO BISCONTE
I think Tiger Woods should be the new spokesperson for Toyota. All he would say is “Tiger and Toyota — no matter how bad you want to stop, you just can’t.”
74. MICHELLE COLLINS
Christina Aguilera got divorced and, out of sympathy for her ex, decided to give him all her earnings from “Burlesque” — four dollars and a yeast infection.
75. JOSELYN HUGHES
I just heard they’re making a porn based on the Taylor Swift-Kanye West VMA incident. I hope this time they both get to finish.
76. ROB O’REILLY
I just flew out to LA for a while to make it in showbiz. Little tip: When airport security asks why you’re flying to LA, don’t tell them that you plan on shooting a pilot.
77. OPHIRA EISENBERG
I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg, but I didn’t get a callback.
78. COLIN KANE
This girl I was seeing wanted to role-play. I said, “Why don’t you pretend to not be the girl I’m going to leave in two weeks.”
79. JORDAN CARLOS
Hosni Mubarak is like the Brett Favre of Mideast politics. He stayed at the party way too long, but those pics of his junk he sent to protesters really did him in.
80. DAN NATURMAN
Hugh Hefner got engaged this year to a girl in her twenties! Does he realize that she was younger when “Schindler’s List” came out then he was when Schindler’s actual list came out!
81. JIM FLORENTINE
My fiancee is upset that our son doesn’t look like her. I told her, “At least he got the crying from you.”
82. SARA SCHAEFER
I’ll admit it: I have a butterfly tramp stamp. But to make it less embarrassing, I got quotation marks tattooed around it. Now, it’s ironic! When people see it, it means: “Ha, butterfly tramp stamp. What if I actually got that? Wouldn’t that be funny? I’m a hipster.”
83. ANDY KINDLER
Here’s a little known historical fact. Before the great artist Monet started a new painting, he would yell out to no one in particular: “Do you people like impressionism?” Just to get the temperature of the room. If no one responded, he would paint more realistically.
84. BIL DWYER
No need to check my ID anymore when I’m buying beer, OK? You want to see some ID? Look at my face! If I’m 20 years old, call an ambulance, please.
85. BRIAN REGAN
Apparently, the sign of a good doctor is not being able to get an appointment with the guy. “Oh, he’s a great doctor. You can’t even get in to see him. He’s such an amazing doctor, some people wait six months just to see him.” Yes, but I’m bleeding profusely today. Do you know any so-so doctors with bandages and such who can see me on the day that is this?
(Tom Papa’s favorite)
86. JACQUELINE NOVAK
Yaz is a slutty name for a birth control. Sounds like a drunk skank’s answer to the question, “Do you want to have sex without a condom?” “Yaz!! Hell, Yaz!”
87. BEX SCHWARTZ
I love pretzels like Affleck loves wide, establishing shots of Boston.
88. JON FRIEDMAN
If I have a son I’m going to name him Waldo, so that if I ever can’t find him it will be awesome.
89. JAMIE LEE
I’m fat in all the wrong places. Like SoHo.
90. PHOEBE ROBINSON
Guys in New York catcall me by guessing my birthplace — and they only mention the Third World countries, which makes sense because I’m skinny, I’m black and I walk around with a boombox blasting the “Lion King” soundtrack.
91. CHRIS LAKER
I understand people upset by the Ground Zero mosque. I hate my ex-wife’s friends. Can’t stand them. If they moved into my neighborhood, I would be furious. Now, none of them probably had anything to do with her plot to sleep with a guy in the East Village — but there were some sympathizers.
92. DAN ST. GERMAIN
I had a dream I had sex with my entire family — and I knew it was a dream because we were getting along way too well.
93. GIULIA ROZZI
My ex-husband and I had a very amicable divorce. When I changed my Facebook status to “I’m getting a divorce!” he clicked “like.”
94. ANT
Cher’s son, former daughter, Chastity Bono, officially became a man. Lots of people want to know why. Well, every generation wants to outdo their parents. How do you outdo Cher? Money? Music? Fame? Nope. I know — I’ll go from her lesbian female daughter to straight male son, and film it for a reality show. Bob Mackie could never top that.
95. HELEN HONG
I’ve always wanted to be in a slutty spring break video, but it’s hard to get cast now that I’m in my thirties and I don’t hang out where young kids hang out. They sell “Girls Gone Wild: South Beach,” but you’ll never see “Girls Gone Wild: The Vitamin Shoppe.”
96. JIM GAFFIGAN
On St. Patrick’s Day, I always imagine St. Patrick is looking down thinking, “What are they doing? I didn’t even drink.”
(Tom Shillue’s favorite)
97. SOREN McCARTHY
“It is what it is” is usually said by the person responsible for it no longer being what it was.
98. JULIAN McCULLOUGH
I performed in Wisconsin, and they didn’t know what a Chinatown was. I said, “Chinatown is when a bunch of Chinese people come to your city, look around, and say, ‘We’re not doing that,’ and build China in the middle of your city. And then the people that already lived there are like, ‘I guess we’ll buy fish.’”
99. REGGIE WATTS
Guy walks into a skyscraper, meets the receptionist and says, “Glassy place you’ve got here!”
100. JOEY GAY
I am dating a hermaphrodite. It’s her birthday. What do you get the girl that has everything?
101. JENNIFER PALUMBO
I think women would be more interested in sports if they not only included some sort of plotlines but if the player’s statistics and also listed whether or not they are single. “Divorced. No children. Prefers redheads. In the off-season he worked on his intimacy issues and added a knuckleball to his foreplay rotation.”
102. WENDY LIEBMAN
The economy would prosper if marijuana were legalized. People might be less angry, and all wars would be cupcake wars.
103. JONATHAN KATZ
While coaching me for my bar mitzvah, the rabbi said, “Any change you find in my pockets you can keep.” After years of shame, I finally shared this story with my shrink, and she said, “Jonathan — that is so lucrative.”
104. ALEC SULKIN
“I thought we were friends — the kind of really good friends who communicate poorly with each other through Facebook.”
(dialogue from “Family Guy”)
(Bill Maher’s favorite)
105. CALISE HAWKINS
I can’t take a compliment in bed. One time this guy was like, “Wow, that was amazing — I still can’t even catch my breath.” I said, “Yeah, well, you’re a little overweight.”
106. NICK DiPAOLO
The US Army field manual now considers slapping somebody in the face with an open hand a form of torture. Well, then somebody might want to look into my dad’s past. For the first 15 years of my life I thought I had a mosquito on my forehead.
107. VERONICA MOSEY
In this sex-obsessed world, shame doesn’t exist. Nowadays, if a girl gets caught on video doing something nasty and someone posts it on YouTube, she’ll be ashamed . . . if it only gets 10,000 hits.
(Bernadette Pauley’s favorite)
108. RYAN HAMILTON
I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people and what I realized is that the boat tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. About 10 minutes in, all I could think was “Get me to America.”
109. BEN KISSEL
When I visit my Christian parents and gay brothers in Florida, I spend my time going to church and then gay bars. The last trip, it dawned on me: I’m living like every Republican senator.
110. DANNY SOLOMON
If some maniac had a gun to my head, and told me I had to have sex with a man, I would pick James Bond. Not because he’s an attractive guy, but because he could figure out a way to get us out of that situation.
111. HASAN MINAJ
The riots in Egypt show us that if you take away man’s pornography, surely they will rise up.
112. JOSH COMERS
I’m pretty sure the woman I’m seeing is using me for my body. Her brother needs a kidney.
113. ABBI CRUTCHFIELD
If you get someone to like you for you, then you have to be yourself all the time.
114. THOMAS DALE
Most people can’t tell that I’m gay by looking at me. They say, “What type of gay is this?” I’m a Regular Gay. I’m not a Fancy Gay. I’m a Portable Gay. You can take me places.
115. TONY DEYO
They say that the two best days of owning a boat are the first day you have it, and the day you finally get rid of it. And from the stories my friends tell me, the same thing applies with children.
116. FELIPE ESPARZA
I was so nervous when I started comedy. I told my mom, and she gave me the worst advice. She said, “Don’t worry about it, son. No one there is gonna laugh at you.”
117. BRIAN SCOLARO
I think drinking and driving should be legal. Not all the time, but just for like a half hour a night — right when the bars close for a mad drunk-dash home. To make it safe, no ones else goes out on the roads but the drunk drivers. They own that half hour.
118. JEFF DYE
I don’t believe in gay marriage because I’m Christian, and I believe in the Bible. I believe marriage is between a man and a young woman sold by her parents in exchange for cattle, crops, and village safety.
119. KARA KLENK
My dad has a ridiculous mustache. It’s the kind of mustache that implies at one point in time my mother was tied to railroad tracks.
120. NICK OFFERMAN
Women have a visceral reaction to a man who works with his hands. Flowers are a great gesture, but flowers in a handmade vase? Boom. Wood-burn a love note on the vase? Kabang. You’re a Viking. Prepare to pillage.
121. CATHY LADMAN
Marriage is challenging. Marriage to me is like a 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle. All sky.
122. ROB GLEESON
Schools are starting to pay teachers based on student performance. Not a good time to teach special ed.
123. JASON STUART
Come on, straight people — if you let us marry each other, we will stop marrying you.
124. DENNIS HEMPHILL
I’m really scared to fly. My friends say flying is the safest way to travel and that I’m more likely to get in a car crash than a plane crash. That might be true, but when’s the last time you remember being in a plane crash and saying, “Whoooh! That was close!”
125. J. CHRIS NEWBERG
I just saw a homeless model. She had a sign that said, “Homeless. Still not hungry.”
126. JON HUCK
I’ve lost so much weight that I am putting out a diet book next week. The book will be called, “Cocaine & Depression: How to Cry Yourself Thin.” It comes with an ex-girlfriend and an eight-ball starter kit.
127. GEOFF KEITH
Ladies, if a guy is taking too long to pull the trigger on marriage, take matters into your own hands. Buy a ring for yourself, bake it into some food and when you’re eating with him just act it out. “Oh my God! Yes! Yes!” That guy’s gonna be like, “What the hell just happened?”
128. CHELSEA WHITE
I heard a young girl freaking out because she lost her retainer. I miss the days when the worst thing I could lose was my retainer. You won’t find dignity wrapped in a napkin in your backpack.
129. KYLE DUNNIGAN
Some women say I’m too close to my mother. But I don’t think that’s true. Even mother says you can never be too close to your best friend.
130. DAVID BRENNER
Somali pirates are attacking cruise ships. The industry is meeting in Fort Lauderdale to figure out what to do about it. For a starter, how about raising the ladder?
131. LARRY MILLER
I just started a diet — which means that I argue with myself for two hours before drinking instead of one.
132. DAVE HILL
One of my favorite things to do after sexual intercourse is to jump out from behind the curtains and just start giggling at the naked people.
133. JESSICA DELFINO
Today for lunch, I honored The King with a half a peanut butter and banana sandwich. For authenticity, I stuck a few Percocets into the middle and ate it on the toilet.
134. AL MADRIGAL
I spent $700,000 on a house in LA at the height of the housing market. Out-of-towners come to LA and rub it in my face. “Hey man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? Alabama! The whole thing.”
(Bruce Cherry’s favorite)
135. JOE MANDE
I would have a lot more respect for goats if they didn’t have those eyes.
(Paul Scheer’s favorite)
136. DC BENNY
I’m a comic, my wife is a psychologist. She fixes people’s problems all day, I make fun of them all night.
137. BO BURNHAM
I think nothing is more masculine than taking a shower with five other guys. Just like at the dawn of man, wandering through the fog, scrubbing five other sapiens, no homo.
138. DAVID ANGELO
I used to skateboard. I did a trick that no skateboarder has ever topped. What I did was I took my skateboard, threw it in the wastebin, got a job and made a success out of my life.
(Morgan Murphy’s favorite)
139. DREW DROEGE
“Black Swan” should just be called “College.”
140. NICK GRIFFIN
I don’t have kids. My friends say, “Nick, come on, you gotta have kids. You’ll never know the joy of fatherhood if you don’t.” To which I respond, “Oh yeah, well, you’ll never know the joy of taking two naps in one day.”
(Bernadette Pauley’s favorite)
141. DAN CUMMINS
It is much harder than one might think to take a 90-degree turn into your own parking garage at 3 o’clock in the morning at roughly 45 miles an hour. The police blamed alcohol. Personally, I blame Super Mario Kart for giving me way too much confidence in my ability to turn sharply. I now know for sure it’s a lot easier to powerslide in the Mushroom Cup then it is in a Jetta.
142. RICH VOS
After all this time, it’s still hard to be in an interracial relationship. You know what must be really hard? Gay interracial dating. That’s got to be a tough call home. “Dad, I’m gay. Now sit down.”
143. JACKIE KASHIAN
I think Sarah Palin would make an excellent president. If we lived in “The Handmaid’s Tale.”
144. RACHEL FEINSTEIN
My mom has one of those insane, spiky soccer-mom hair cuts. Her hair just keeps getting more aggressive every time I see her. Her hair looks like it was cut by a computer.
145. JEN MURPHY
Have you ever encouraged your friends to stay in bad relationships just so you have SOMETHING to text them about?
146. DOM IRRERA
I don’t care about a woman’s face anymore. I only care about her body. She could have the head of a goat. “Did you see the body on that goat-headed woman? If she trimmed that goatee and filed her horns a little — Madone!”
147. LIZ MIELE
I’m going through a break-up. I think I’m handling it great. I recently changed his name in my phone to “Emotionally Unavailable.” But only because “Don’t F – – k That Guy” was already in my phone.
148. CLAUDIA COGAN
I don’t have time to see “Tron,” so I’m going to turn on a black light and throw dozens of pingpong balls around.
149. AMANDA BARAMKI
Why do all white guys with beards look like the same guy? I was making out with a guy at a bar, and I was like, “Hold on, we have to stop, I have a boyfriend.” And he said, “Um, I am your boyfriend.”
150. JIMMY TINGLE
When Obama was running for president, many people in the media frequently compared him to Abraham Lincoln. Yet after he was elected, the comparisons pretty much stopped. Yet I think he’s more like Lincoln now than ever before for a couple of reasons:
1. 20 percent of Americans thought Lincoln was a Muslim
2. 30 percent believed Lincoln was born in a Log Cabin in Kenya